I was drinking alone at a bar on the terrace (as one would on a Thursday night), and a really beautiful French lady sat down at a table across. For a sec I wanted to go over and say hello, but quickly was overcome with 'nah, I'm too old for this now.'
Ladies: if a man (say ordinary-looking) comes up to you (say you're relaxed/in no rush/still daylight) and say: 'Hi, I think you're beautiful.'
Is that creepy?
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In France if no random men spoke to me I would be seriously offended
In the UK I assume anyone who speaks to me wants to mug me for my shit phone
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Go for it, Stanley! When in France...
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If nothing else you need to talk to some actual French people.
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All I know is: Bonsoir Madame, je pense que vous êtes très belle.
Followed by: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
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It's exhausting. She knows what her face looks like. Some simpering pudger wobbling over, 3 pints down, to inform her of this fact is just the most tedious thing on earth.
umm, please don't take this, ummm the wrong way, it's not a come on... It's just, well, ummm, I think you're absolutely beautiful! But please, as I mentioned, it's not a come on, it's just an appreciation of beauty. Perfectly non sexual. Unless, unless, ummm, you want to???....... No, of course not! Sorry. Please. Let me buy you another glass of wine. And leave my number here. I'm a solicitor and quite well off. Just saying.
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I'm sure you know more than you think. Have another glass of wine.
Maybe don't say the second bit.
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It is for this very reason I go to great lengths to look as shit as possible at all times.
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It’s disgusting that any man would even contemplate going up to a woman in public who they don’t even know and commenting on their looks.
Ive had long term relationships where I never commented on my girlfriend’s appearance (to her at least). I would never disrespect anybody in that way.
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It’s not so much creepy as just a massive weirdo red flag. Sorry.
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Bon soir Madamoiselle.
Vous avez l'air bien en forme. Voulez-vous voir mon impression d'éléphant?
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Don't call her mademoiselle.
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Just leave her alone. She probably just wants a quiet drink to relax after all the bullshit of the day. If she wants conversation then she will start one.
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I would always try to have eye contact first and gauge reaction. If she holds the stare and even better, smile, then approach. If not, don't. I do personally find the line a bit cringe and would simply ask whether she wants to have a drink with you. But obvs this is all v personal and everyone will feel differently!!
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I think that's spot-on, on the difference of how men and women might react to it.
If a woman comes up to me and tries to chat: 'you're cute blah blah blah', I'd be flattered.
But as some point out, these days women will likely find that disturbing/disgusting/weird.
Come to think about it, that's why dating apps exist and are popular- because you must be okay to be approached if you are on it.
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There are women who know they’re beautiful and women who are beautiful because they don’t know that they are.
Subtly and anonymously letting those who fall into the second group know they’re admired is an occasional pleasure.
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What oldtimelurker said. As long as you're not punching too far above your weight...
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Married one of those. Still no idea how it happened really.
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Tbf there’s a big difference between saying hello to a stranger and saying “hello, I think you’re beautiful.” Big difference.
Nowdays people go to bars on their own and just swipe in their own personal bubble without engaging with the people around them.
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I forgot how socially awkward Brits are.
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Pizzak- I know what you mean but, if you think about the so-called 'pick up lines'- it's the same thing.
'I'll tell Spotify I've just found this week’s hottest single."
Rubbish lines like that- it's under the same premise, no?
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Just chat about the bar or the area or something and see if you get a response. Obviously women like to be called beautiful. If you are a hot French ski instructor you will get away with it otherwise keep the topic light and non pick- upy
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Why not just say hello and offer to buy her a drink? Commenting on looks as an opening line is blurgh.
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It’s not really the same because you can always laugh off a cheesy pick up line. You can’t laugh off “I think you’re beautiful.” There’s a good chance, if you say that, she’ll be uncomfortable enough that she will want to leave the place if you’re still there.
But the options aren’t just “you’re beautiful” and *cheesy pull up line*. You can actually make normal conversation and then gauge from there with flirtation.
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Depends 99% on how good looking the commenter is, I’d imagine
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Brexit was the geopolitical manifestation of the Brit male’s problem with women…if you can’t join ‘em, beat ‘em.
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I scrolled down Muttley looking forward to your chat up tips
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Hard luck
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Tbf usually women come to me. It's a burden.
But I would say if you aren't handsome don't bother.
Make eye contact a few times. Smile and then gesture. If she's off then at least you are a plausible distance not to have sexually harassed here.
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Meh
The above points are all legitimate but will become null and void when it's Mr Smooth Operator Chad saying it
Sade maxx
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What anon said.
what’s your point here? To what end do you think it’s appropriate to reduce her to just how visually appealing she is?
How is she supposed to respond to that?
women are well aware of what they look like, they’ve spent every second of their teenage and adult life absorbing societies judgements about it.
why do you think some random in a bar walking up to pass judgment on her (favourable or otherwise) is what she wants or needs?
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By all means ask her if she would like a drink, say hello, ask what her name is.. make conversation ..
you know act like she is an actual person rather than an object.
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Never ever ask to buy a woman a drink
That's the worst advice ever
You'll be in prison before you know it. Unless she is a hooker.
Smile, nod, gesture, then go. Let her buy her own drinks it's 2022 fgs!
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The pick up artist schtick is obviously gross and disgusting, but they aren't 100% wrong about this.
People only want to talk to strangers when they find them 1) interesting in some immediate way, and 2) non threatening. If you are a 10/10 smokeshow then that is interesting in itself; otherwise you are going to have to offer something beyond the Mike Skinner approach. Unless you are Mike Skinner. That guy has to wear waders.
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If youre doing this and find youre getting mostly negative responses, there is a quick and easy fix.
Be more attractive.
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“J’aime aller a la piscine”
”Hein?”
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often French men will just get their knob out and start going for it in public.
apparently French women find it sexy
You should give it a go.
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Ask her who her favourite US Supreme Court justice is.
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"Do you like fishing?", I find is a good opening line
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I once had a lady 20 years older than me try to pick me up in a bookshop in Aix-en-Provence. I was in my late 20s then. That the only in my life I can recall that a sober woman came on to me. The French do things differently.
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How are you this morning, Stanley? Did you pluck up the courage to talk to anyone?
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What anon and Scylla said
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I mean, it is a lot more normal for men to tell women they look beautiful in France.
But yeah, just a friendly smile and a "bonjour" will do to start with.
If you have enough social skills to read the room when a woman doesn't want to talk to you and back off after exchanging a few pleasantries, there's nothing to be feared from striking up a conversation.
Just see it as French practice.
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Nope- nothing has changed since last night.
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You don’t actually need to go up to them and tell them you think they are beautiful
just follow them around for a bit, maybe hide in a hedge. If the weather is bad wear a mac
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Turn up at their place of work unannounced, that sort of thing…
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Better luck tonight then?
Don't dress like a Colin.
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If you are practising french, ‘Metal Hurlant’ (sci fi comic) is really good.
Start reading that and when the ladies see you are awesome they will be lining up with their fannies a-gape
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In my book there are two responses to someone telling you you're beautiful which are:
1. Say thank you and go back to scrolling through your phone or reading your book.
2. Say thank you and invite them to pull up a seat.
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Ah, the highest form of love !
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Generally, men who go up to women and make such comments are absolute creepers. There is a strong chance they are dubious characters. Even if you are not, you have to be very good looking to get away with it; even then you may be rejected.
I've been lucky enough to have quite a few women tell me I'm attractive but I think they have almost always been northern, American or Aussie.
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Yeah yeah, like English chicks just don't GET me, you know?
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I have had French men do things that I would be surprised if an English man did. Eg on a water flume came behind me ( I must have been slow!) so I was shoved between his legs and came down the flume with him. He laughed and swam off as did I!
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Not at all creepy to approach and start a conversation, judging the reaction and either continuing or leaving alone as appropriate is just how meeting people works.
Safer not to open with commenting on how attractive you find her. Beautiful evening, view, dress, wine, anything really but going straight to your opinion on someone's face seems a bit creepy to me. Am not French though, maybe it's more normal there.
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You might be better off saying something different to get the conversation going.
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Maybe something like
'What amazing ears you have, you sweet little poppet'
- Preferably in a Leslie Phillips voice.
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You might be better off saying ANYTHING different to get the conversation going.
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Honestly I cant see what the fuss is about.
No woman has ever objected to a compliment given in a polite and respectful way.
And a woman knows instinctively if the compliment is genuine or not.
OF course women like to be appreciated for their looks which includes their clothes and visual appearance. Not just the body. Nothing wrong with that.
What is more I have come to learn that women really appreciate good manners so absent these days. That is why women are often fond of older men who are courteous.
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Oh look. Another man telling women how they think, feel and react and why they act the way they do.
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Usually I wear good clothes and style my hair to look good- so if someone compliments it, I wouldn't think that person is 'reducing me to looks' but 'appreciating the effort I've made'.
Besides- when you first see a person, all you can make out is looks. It's probably weird to say: 'you look like a kind person.'
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No Scylla. I am reflecting what women have told me over the years
Did they not tell you? .
OR did you not get close enough to find out.
Do tell us
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You don’t need to make any comment at all on their appearance.
you can just say hello…
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Just don't wear a football shirt or sandals with socks or anything like that.
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I am a woman and I’ve had plenty of men approach me with similar lines.
And every single time it’s made me want to run in the opposite direction as fast as possible.
same goes for my friends.
It’s really not the compliment you think it is.. as many women on this thread have told you.
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I did specify that is is polite and respectful
You speak only for yourself and not all women
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How about if it were done in a way that made it clear that you (the man) were not looking for anything in return for the compliment?
Maybe “You look beautiful” written on a folded napkin handed over before slipping away.
What would be the recipient’s objection to that?
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Yet somehow you do?
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I did not claim any such thing.
Only what I have observed and what other women have told me over the years.
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Download Metal Hurlant and read it in a bar then find one of the panels where there is a hot bird with her tits out and show it to your lady friend:
’have you seen this? I think she’s got nice tits’
Then leer lustily at her
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I’d honestly find an ‘anonymous’ note even creepier.. are they a stalker? Who is it? How long have they been watching me? What do they want?
I don’t even now who I need to run away from …
I once had someone ‘anonymously’ send me my favourite flowers to the office with an invitation to meet them in a hotel bar at a certain time.
it CREEPED me the fook out because clearly it was someone who knew me since they knew my favourite flowers. And I had no idea who it was.. I even rang to florists but they’d paid in cash and no name was available.
I was looking over my shoulder for weeks after that.
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Ross.
please refer back to your original post and explain how the fook this is you not purporting to speak on behalf of all women..
*******
’No woman has ever objected to a compliment given in a polite and respectful way.
And a woman knows instinctively if the compliment is genuine or not.
OF course women like to be appreciated for their looks which includes their clothes and visual appearance.’
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SCylla there is no need to be rude. Obviously I was commenting on women I have encountered.. Nobody can speak on behalf of ALL women as you suggest
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Except for you… apparently. As per your first post.
and I’m not being rude. I’m just pointing out your assumptions and mansplaining to women how we apparently feel about things.
if I was going to be rude I’d tell you to go fook yourself, you pompous arrogant prick.
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And if we are going to argue about whose being rude I’d suggest that your attempted stab at me about ‘not getting close enough’ to find out was fairly impolite.
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Scylla, I'm intrigued, why is anonymity creepy?
On Valentine's day it would be a compliment, presumably well received.
Does it matter when you pay someone a compliment?
I'm married, have absolutely no interest in playing away, but every once in a while a circumstance arises when saying something tasteful to someone you've met without wanting it be considered a chat up line, and hence the anonymity, seems not inappropriate.
The only time I've said something directly akin to 'you're beautiful' was in a completely safe environment, amongst several people to a moderately attractive young lady, palpably short on confidence, with a complexion most supermodels would die for. She needed a confidence boost, and hearing something said by a confident man plainly not trying to hit on her hopefully had the desired effect.
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Well there was no impolite implication at all. Not everybody has had the opportunity to have intimate conversations about such subjects. That is not good or bad. Just the way it is.
Are you not able to express yourself without using expletives?.
Never too late to learn
There was no 'assumption' as you claim. Only reflecting my wide experience.
Once again most women (yes most women, not necessarily ALL) appreciate good manners . Including from other women
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It’s because they all assume that somehow their opinion actually matters.
That every woman should be flattered by their attention.
The sheer act of commenting (good or bad) is an act of asserting a form of control and judgement. It defines woman as objects for male gaze in the public space.
it’s the exact same reason they will comment on what a woman is wearing, her hair colour, telling her she should smile more, calling her ugly.
it’s because fundamentally at the heart of it.. they think a woman should care about their opinion.
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And there we have Ross .. demonstrating yet again .. but commenting on my ‘language’ how he expects to exert control over a woman in a public space.
again. Ross. All the expletives in the world cannot convey just how much I do not give a fook about your opinion.
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There is so much sadness here. I love receiving compliments (it is not entirely unknown) and I graciously accept them.
I accept that as a bloke I am not carrying the weight of generations of being objectified (not in the same way, at least).
It's just a shame that there appears not to be a way of giving someone a little positivity boost to their day if they are a woman.
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It's tough being a man ;-)
But, genuinely, it doesn't need to be said. By walking over to them and introducing yourself, you're basing that on how they look/present. It's important not to dwell on the superficiality of that act and have something interesting to say/ask.
My single days are long behind me, but I reckon wit still has a place in romance.
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I think there is Peter.
See above.
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PS the circumstances of your compliment are hugely different to those being discussed here and I am sure you know the difference because as per your post you’ve only done one and not the other.
As for what you send anonymously.
if it’s not appropriate to say it to her face.. then why do you feel the need to say it at all?
and that’s a serious question ..
I mean why do you think it’s appropriate, ok, or necessary to judge a woman solely on her looks (which is the kind of compliments we are talking about here) and then TELL HER ABOUT IT?
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‘It's just a shame that there appears not to be a way of giving someone a little positivity boost to their day if they are a woman.’
there are plenty of ways to do this.
you could tell her you love her shoes, or her shirt, or that her smile cheers up your day…
but straight out just judging someone on what they look like when you don’t even know their name.. is creepy as fook.
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"Vous avez un très joli sourire" is definitely something a French man would say.
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You can also do the following: walk up to her, put one hand on your waist, and pronounce solemnly, “Girlfriend, you look FIERCE!” whilst snapping your fingers in the air making a Z pattern. Even better if you thrust your hips a little to the left and right as you make the Z.
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Oh.. and again.
‘It's just a shame that there appears not to be a way of giving someone a little positivity boost to their day if they are a woman.’
*****
I’m curious as to why you think that being the lucky recipient of your opinion on WHAT WE LOOK LIKE would be a positive boost to a woman’s day?
It just comes back to an underlying assumption that women should care what you think about us..
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This thread reminds me of being in a bar in America with a lady writing her phone number on my leg and inviting me to join in a pub crawl later if I fancied it. Unfortunately I'd been thrown in a dock and my shorts were still wet so when I went to check the phone number later I found it was an illegible smeared mess. Such a shame.
Similarly I once finished a night in a pub in Southampton writing my number on the arm of a lady who'd been dancing on a table behind and had reached down and tapped me on the shoulder and when I looked up she just kissed me. Subsequently went on a date with her and ended up back at her shared house and she disappeared so I let myself out and it transpired she'd passed out in the bathroom. She was so embarrassed it took months to persuade her to go on another date.
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If you found a conversation with a lady enthralling you could say so Scylla, without it being any sort of 'come on'.
I know when mutual chemistry is at play.
I can think of several occasions when I've met someone socially or through business, and in a 'sliding doors way' .............the doors would have been wide open but I wouldnt even go so far as to say to someone - 'if I were single................'.
A note that might have come from me, and might even be assumed to have in the above situation, paying an anonymous compliment, to my mind is not objectifying someone.
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GREAT contributions Summer.
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I once went for a drink with a French guy who took me to the Ritz in the middle of the afternoon and then asked me what my star sign was and wanted to talk about astrology.
That was a memorable date.
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Dude.
Under no circumstances would such a note be ‘anonymous’ and how would your wife feel if she found out?
Additionally, a note sent AFTER said enthralling conversation is not the same as walking up to someone you don’t know in a bad and pronouncing judgement on their looks.
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*bar
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I have had some spectacularly random moments with the opposite sex. I also once travelled home from a dance at a girls' boarding school with the name and address of a girl written on my jumper in chalk.
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If you don’t care, you don’t care, Scylla. Good for you.
I, like many people (of all the genders), like being told that I am looking good.
(it hasn’t got to the “you look great for your age” stage yet thank fu.ck)
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I, like many people (of all the genders), like being told that I am looking good.
….
except there are a number of women on here telling you that we don’t like it as the very first thing someone says to us.
Of course people of all genders like to hear compliments. But CONTEXT is everything.
And being approached by a random stranger in a bar … is not a context in which that should be the first thing out of your mouth.
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Everything Scylla says on this thread.
it’s just another way of asserting power - namely physical over women.
i don’t care if you think I’m attractive or not, I’m not going to go up to a random and tell them they’re good looking or not. There’s no chemistry in that only a demeaning pissing contest.
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Ok. Imagine this.
You have numbered paddles and you walk around the bar raising a number between 1 and 10 for every woman in the bar.
Then you only speak to the 10’s to tell them they have acquired your top score.
Can you see why this might be offensive now…
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When my wife gets wolf whistled she tells me. I don't bat an eye lid and would probably say something along the lines of 'So I'm not the only one with good taste'.
I know when we're in company if someone has taken a shine to her, I dont bat an eyelid. In fact, I will more likely go and tease her about it. We often joke about who we fancy and are both secure enough to do so, without any jealousy.
Any note I might send would not arrive at a time that made it inevitable it was from me.
The compliment I paid to the shy confidence lacking young lady I would have just as happily made in front of my wife, who would immediately know why I had made it without my having to explain.
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"Maybe “You look beautiful” written on a folded napkin handed over before slipping away." I think the point has already been made a few times, but it bears repeating over, and over, and over again so there can be no confusion : this is a terrible, horrible, truly bad idea, it is creepy and really offputting, and would probably make me nervous enough that I would leave wherever I was.
As to the original question : as with so many of these sorts of questions, the answer is, it depends! The times when it's bothered me : when it feels like the bloke is operating some law of averages type move (tell enough women that they're beautiful, one of them is bound to be enough of a sucker that she'll put out) / if I'm alone / if it's dark or getting dark / in any professional situation, even if it's the "social" part of the event / if I feel like it's obvious that the bloke expects something in return.
Times when (even if I'm never 100% comfortable with it, for the reasons Scylla et al have pointed out above) it hasn't particularly bothered me, and it's felt like it was well intentioned, so I'll accept it in the spirit it seems to have been intended : when it's been said with no follow up, no attempt to use it as an opening to anything else, bloke has said it and jogged on.
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Scylla would like the two ladies I met in a pub in Newcastle on a Saturday night who were standing outside the mens toilet loudly commenting on the men as they came out. Luckily I got an "he's alright" unlike the man behind me who got a "he's fooking rough man".
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Just go up to her and say
’hey, baby girl, do you like walls?’
’what?’
’I was thinking I’d quite like to bang you through one’
You’ll have a good workout running away.
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