A Scottish lawyer is seeking an injunction over a neighbour's "growling" toilet.
52-year-old James Morris, who was a partner at Scottish firm Blackadders, alleges that the toilet in the flat above his apartment in Fife is creating unacceptable noise due to the installation of a grinding fan, rather than a normal plumbing system. A proof hearing at Kirkcaldy court, filled to the brim with toilet chat, is now underway.
Morris claims that the "loud mechanical growling" of the offending bog is similar to the sound of a revving motorbike or a chainsaw. He also says that an acoustics expert has confirmed that the noise is in excess of World Health Organisation guidelines (there's an expert for everything). Morris complains that the sound of pulverised waste is ruining his and his wife's lives.
The flat at the centre of the shitstorm is owned by Robert Curran and Jo McGarry-Curran, a couple based well out of ear-shot in Hawaii, who rent their property to guests on Airbnb.
Morris has kept a detailed log (phrasing) about the movements (phrasing) of the various visitors to the property. The entries include bathroom habits as well as details of other activities such as arrival times, when they go to the bins, and their movements from room to room. Morris has spotted patterns from his diary entries, such as American guests taking a shower as soon as they arrive at the property, even if late at night, and that women often use the toilet as soon as they get in.
Whilst lawyers are known for the attention to detail, this episode paints a bleak picture of where the profession can lead a person, specifically to a kitchen table at midnight, bug-eyed with rage and scrawling flush times in a Blackadders notebook.
An extract: how it might have looked.
Suzanne Gilfeather, a cleaner for the Currans, said that she felt "intimidated" by Morris' "obsession" with recording her visits. She said the lawyer's close monitoring had become an "unhealthy interest" which felt like stalking.
Andrew McLaughlin, lawyer for the Currans, said that the "level of detail and breadth" of Morris' diary entries "would fairly be described as obsessive". Morris had even included a detailed account of rumblings and activity on Christmas Day. Morris argued in response that he was not obsessed, merely "gathering evidence".
A spokeswoman for Blackadders did not respond to a request for comment. It is not known whether the firm will be creating a Yuletide video to capture the spirit of the dispute.