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Let your next career move come to you.

Timing is everything? (J17 Warning)

I have a new rather lovely man! We were friends for a year or so beforehand. He is literally my best friend. Everything is going relatively well but due to his family stuff and covid, we've only been spending alternate weekends together. This has been going on for the last couple of months.

He's three years younger than me. Fine. He's planning to jack in his job next year to try his hand at a new and potentially very unstable career. Fine. He has the next two years all mapped out to achieve this and will be disciplined AF. Theoretically fine. All this is very very fine and I am supportive of him following his dreams.

However.

If I want kids then I ought to be doing something about it over the next two years. Women on both sides of my family have done it a bit later but it's probably not ideal. Financially, I can afford kids even if he is an impecunious acting bum. But it doesn't sound like this will fit all that well with his plan. 

In an ideal world I wouldn't mention it at all unless it naturally came up. It's not at the forefront of my mind right now for any other reason that practical logistics. But this is not an ideal world from a time perspective and also a frigging covid perspective. 

So my question to RoF is, when is the right time to table this kind of a conversation? 

At the moment, as much as I adore him I could walk away if hypothetical kids in that timeframe was a dealbreaker for him. If I wait 6 months down the line it might be a whole world of pain. And then have I wasted 6 months on the odd weekend with him when I should be looking to find someone else awesome who wants what I want?

It feels like it's too soon to have that kind of chat but then if it's doomed, surely it's better to know that sooner rather than later?

TIA, kisses, etc

have you officially become boyfriend and girlfriend?? hooray!!!

I think it is ok to sketch out where you see yourselves going but don't focus on BABIES NOW PLZ just the overall picture

also there will be a lockdown over christmas so oppos to meet and bang a newbie will be limited pre-March anyway

 

"He's planning to jack in his job next year to try his hand at a new and potentially very unstable career. Fine. He has the next two years all mapped out to achieve this and will be disciplined AF. Theoretically fine. All this is very very fine and I am supportive of him following his dreams."

In all these discussions about his plans and dreams, didn't yours come up? Two childless people in their 30s having a serious / potentially serious relationship for six months, I don't see it as mad to say "I absolutely do want to children if I can. Is that something you want to do?"

 

By the time OH and I had been long distance shagging for six months we had already discussed whether either of us envisaged having more children in the future (he was up for it, I was NO), whether I might theoretically convert (NO) and an whole host of other stuff. And we weren't even properly a couple and hasn't said I wuv ooo or anything 

Most of these plans/dreams yada yada I know about from when we were just friends.

Kids have also come up. In that he wants them. And we talked 5 year plans a while back and they included kids. But that was before we were dating and 5 years is very different to two.

And no Clergs, the idea of kids now scares me somewhat so I'm not on that bandwagon yet. But ugh. Plenty of opportunity to meet people now on the apps. And I had prospects that I could still explore from before lockdown if I wanted to. Bloody biology!

In all these discussions about his plans and dreams, didn't yours come up? Two childless people in their 30s having a serious / potentially serious relationship for six months, I don't see it as mad to say "I absolutely do want to children if I can. Is that something you want to do?"

This.

I can bring it up. At some point I will have to bring it up. And we'll have a beautifully grown up conversation and it will all probably be absolutely fine.

But two months is just probably too soon?

Kids have also come up. In that he wants them. And we talked 5 year plans a while back and they included kids. But that was before we were dating and 5 years is very different to two.

I think you need to be a little bit clearer with him about your timescale for wanting to start trying. Don't let your dreams slip away because you're reluctant to bring it up with him.

Actually we'd had those discussions by three months, so no it's not too soon. 
 

i don't understand the constant keeping of options open tho - if you like him focus on *him*, and be as honest as poss with him about what you want.  And what he wants and whether those can fit. And then either accept this is 'for now' and there's a painful break coming down the line, or jack him in now knowing it was never long term workable. 

Why is 2 months too soon?  You're grown ups not writing one another's names on pencil cases at the back of class.

When OH and i got together we had the kids chat.  He has kids, i do not.  He wanted to let me know that if i did want them but had just not found the right person to do that with he would have another child.  I clarified my position that it was simply not something i had ever, nor would ever, want.  Simple conversation i think in the first month by my memory.

Just speak to him.  Why are you scared to communicate with someone about your priorities?  Isn't that part of the reason why you have got into difficulties previously?  If he says fvck that shit and bails then you're in no worse a position than had he said that later on.

isnt a do you want kids/pets woteva a 3rd date type chat?

Yes, but there's a difference between saying you want kids someday and saying you want them soon.

I think some men just aren't as acutely aware of the biological clock. Plus this man is a few years younger than Meh and she looks younger than she is, so he probably doesn't look at her and think, she wants kids in the next two years. 

They may well not be on the same page about how pressing it is.

Oh meh. This is crap but unless you are prepared to basically be a single mum it's hard to see how it is going to work.

Him giving up, putting on hold, generally restricting his dream WILL end in resentment.  Worst bit is that realistically its incredibly unlikely the guy is going to make it (that's just the odds of the acting game) but if he has come this far he needs to take his shot as it were. 

 

"Why are you scared to communicate with someone about your priorities?"

I think because I suspect I know what his answer will be. He is weirdly weirdly disciplined. He liked me for months but had told himself he wouldn't date anyone whilst on the course and so he waited. He is similarly determined about this career plan and I think I'm scared because after we discuss it I might have to end it and I really don't want to.

I think because I suspect I know what his answer will be.

All the more reason to have the conversation sooner rather than later. What do you want more, kids or a few more months with him?

Well then your choices are

1. dump him now and find someone else 

2. continue shagging him with vague hope he will change his mind and it will come good, but knowing it probably won't 

this just sounds like chicken dude all over again - vaguely idolising you but in reality completely focussed on himself and his own goals 

 

He wouldn't have to give up his dream, like I said, financially I could do it without his income. I guess I'll just have to talk to him. Just wondering if I should put it off but I suppose that's for wusses.

It also feels harder to raise these sorts of things when it's effectively long distance because you don't want to risk ruining the weekend together by rocking the boat.

No he can't clerghs. Because he will have to attend auditions at 5 mins notice or will get a 'break' as an understudy for 3 weeks in a theatre in Bolton (if there ever is such a thing again). 

If she is willing to work, have the child care in place and pay for everything and if he is around that's a bonus then great. To be fair that is not quite like being a single mum but it's not far off. 

Just tell him you demand to be impregnated, and that he is a sap of a man-child who needs to abandon his feckless, ill-conceived career dreams. Should work. 

 

 

 

"If she is willing to work, have the child care in place and pay for everything and if he is around that's a bonus then great. To be fair that is not quite like being a single mum but it's not far off."

No that sounds worse than being a single mum  I got child support and every other weekend to myself 

He wouldn't have to give up his dream, like I said, financially I could do it without his income.

It's not just income though, as Donny says. You'd basically have to do/organise all the childcare so that he could pursue his career. In a worst case scenario he's an out of work actor doing a succession of short term low commitment jobs that he can chuck in at a moment's notice if he gets a big break. In a best case scenario he's successful in his career and never there because he's always doing a show somewhere.

He'd only be on dad duty during down time between jobs which might end at a moment's notice.

So you'd need to set things up as though you were a single parent and consider anything that he is able to do as a bonus.

Meh you need to read: women who love too much

when nev and I met he didn’t want anymore kids or to get married. We separated for a while because I realised I wanted children and was 31 and didn’t want to resent him long term etc for our different life needs and that it was bigger than just us. He clearly had a massive about turn on both issues and we all lived happily ever after. 

Ha OB, I read that a few years ago! I know what I'm supposed to do. It's just the doing that is quite hard. I remember you telling me about the separation when it happened... not an easy thing to do but probably for the best.

Is he really trying to be an "actor" ffs.

I know a couple of actors, one who has literally been doing it since he was in Byker Grove, one recent RADA grad, both have to supplement their income with regular menial jobs. One lives on a canal barge.

Qn about age.. when I was in late 20s I was really concerned about biology and having kids in my '5 year plan'. Then as I was living life I realised I wasn't actually fussed about kids then and I put it off. Women are told lots of fear mongering stories about their ovaries drying up

 

I am now mid 30s and I still feel okay reproductive years wise (like I have enough time.. but just...) but I now think the fear of my late 20s was unfounded.

 

So just wondering whether the fear is a societal fear (if that makes sense- like you should if planning have kids in 2 years time) or if you want them in two years time, or if your biological clock really is screaming at you?

I have no idea what it would be like having a child with an actor. All I would say is don't give up on him too easily just because of cynicism on this thread. If he is weirdly disciplined maybe you could make it work (but it all depends how he reacts to the convo of course).

And on the other side of the coin, don't kid yourself that if you do give up on him, the Mr Perfect is out there and you will happily be having kids with him within 2 years. We have all been following your dating threads for more than 2 years now. Wishful thinking about matches on dating apps is not your friend.

What Linda said about what I said.

I can't remember exactly what you do Meh but unless you are going to be able to afford full time (preferably live in) child care then it is going to be really tough and even if you do have that it is going to require you to have a positively saint like personality to smile and say good luck when he misses stuff to leg it after some glimmer of an opportunity or other on 5 mins notice. I may be wrong but I don't get the impression that is really you.  

It's not the objective reality of coping with what will still (most likely) be really first world problems that is the issue, its the challenge of not resenting him for not being there and not giving him any sense that you resent him for it (even if you genuinely don't) because that will then feed into him putting pressure on himself NOT to chase after some glimmer of an opportunity and that feeds into resentment as well.

Can't really go into why I know of what I speak here cos it would be outy but I do. 

He might, for example, say he's in - 2 years to tilt at his dream and then if no serious success he will get a normal job. And it sounds like you can trust him to keep to it.

No. It's not societal. That does not bother me so much. It's more that I'll be 40 in two years and whilst my Mum had my sister naturally at 42 and my paternal grandmother had my youngest uncle when she must have been 42/43/44ish, I think pushing it beyond 40 is not ideal.

My fertility was fine when I checked it last year. That was odd in itself but I was dating a guy who was desperate for kids IMMEDIATELY and I wanted to wait and figured if there were problems then sure, crack on, but if there was no reason to rush then maybe don't rush?

I've thought about egg freezing but the success rate is really low on just eggs. Embryos are better for a success rate but you need a man on board for that who isn't likely to change his mind further down the line.

Spurius I am not necessarily encouraging her to give up on him - Gannicus and I were supposed to be a one night stand, five years later we are married and had a LOT to deal with 

being realistic about what is most important to you, and what is most likely is key tho 

Haven’t read the whole thread but as someone said above, saying ‘I’m interested in children some day’ is completely different to it want kids within the next two years’. If I was changing career I would definitely, definitely not be wanting to father a child. He is not going to want to do that.

For a male perspective I went out with someone recently who was telling me a story whilst I walked her to the station about how she’d raised two puppies whose mother had died, by hand. Feeding them milk etc and it was one of the best experiences of her life and just the broody look in her eyes scared me so much that I don’t think I even let her finish her sentence....there was just a ‘poof’ of smoke and a trail of smouldering footprints leading to the proverbial hills. 

I think pushing it beyond 40 is not ideal.

That means you need to either know he is on board now, or bin him off. You have to factor in time to meet someone else, or decide to go it alone with a sperm donor (and then factor in the money and year long waiting list for IUI/IVF).

How old are you & he btw?

I don’t think it should be a scary thing to say that you want kids in the next couple of years. It’s not like you’re suggesting you start procreating immediately. 

and regardless of whether it works out with this guy, think of having this conversation as good relationship communication practise. Because I can assure you that if you can’t clearly state your wishes or needs you are going to find all long term adult relationships very heavy going. 

That's how long you have to wait even if you are paying privately, according to my friend who is waiting to do IVF now. Although she is using donor eggs, I don't know if that lengthens the waiting time.

Agree, if it's important to you and you want to do it pre 40 (totally understandable and frankly he should probably realise this may be on your agenda) then you need to have the chat. 

 

Current plan is that he wants to go do a masters at one of the top drama schools in September 2021. He might not get in. He's pretty good though so I think he has a good shot. If he doesn't get in he'll just try to be an actor regardless. He has a very good job now and is contracting and has said he could go back to it for a 6 month contract if he really needed to tide him over...

From a practical perspective my uncle owns a nursery in London. Boy's family also live in London and so does my sister so there would be support around.

Ah crossed posts. Yes at 38 you definitely need to be cracking on soon. (Personally if I was 100% sure I wanted to have kids and didn’t have a serious partner at that age I’d do a round of ivf with donor sperm and create some embryos for freezing.) 

yes the timing isn’t ideal etc etc but that’s life. You can’t change the passage of time so you might as well be clear about what you want. The one thing you definitely don’t want to happen is to hang on for two years at which point he tells you actually kids aren’t on my roadmap for the foreseeable future - then you really are a bit phucked. 

He is 34.5. I am just 38.

Yeah, will have to talk about it. Just not the most fun conversation. If it scares me, it's definitely going to scare him.

Any ideas for how to broach in a non scary way?

Oh god he’s trying to do an acting masters/become an actor at 35? Sounds ridiculous. 
 

there is a very non scary way of broaching which is to say, “we’ve talked a lot about your plans, I wanted to tell you about something that’s important to me in the next couple of years”. If he finds that scary he is not a grown up and you definitely won’t be sprogging with him in the near term anyway. 

Personally if I was 100% sure I wanted to have kids and didn’t have a serious partner at that age I’d do a round of ivf with donor sperm and create some embryos for freezing.

This. I have a few friends who are planning on doing this if they are still single a year from now (and they are a couple of years younger than you).

there is a very non scary way of broaching which is to say, “we’ve talked a lot about your plans, I wanted to tell you about something that’s important to me in the next couple of years”.

And this, absolutely.

This all has echoes of Chicken Boy, who had all of these big dreams about things he wanted to do, and none of them factored in what you wanted to do.

I think Meh that you are ultimately a romantic and you are looking for a deep connection with someone (which is important) but when you think you've found that connection you seem to be willing to let all your own hopes and dreams slide for the sake of fitting in around this person and what they want.

I can't help but feel that you need to be a bit more hard nosed in your approach and be clearer from the start about what you want in the next couple of years, and if the other person isn't on board with that then you move on and look for someone who is (whilst making plans on the side to do it by yourself just in case).

Tell him to go for it.  I know several people who did theatre school masters as second careers.  One is a consultant psychiatrist, and did not give up her day job, so can fund it.  Someone else did it in his mid-30s and moved to NYC to pursue it seriously; must check in on how he's doing but good on him for giving it a go.  I also know sb who wondered into it later in life and ended up  co-starring with Tom Cruise (actual co-starring not an extra).   My dad did it as a hobby and did commercials and even a feature film; his day job was lawyering and writing dictionaries though so he did have other stuff going on.  He didn't even have to audition much.  There was a time when he just randomly got booked for stuff on the reg. He loved it, bloody egotist 

If you are committed to each other and make clear your expectations and agree time lines for his career stuff, it can work. More problematic if you want to have a crack at sth different too.  But if having kids is important to you, deffo talk about it.  If your relationship is strong it should bear the weight of that sort of convo.

It is slightly funny you clearly think of him as young (34 and a half, not 35) - I was a few months older than that when I met G and considered myself way too old to be starting again with children 

clearly that’s partly because I already had them, but 34 and a half is not young to be a parent by any stretch 

Not sure it is really fair to say it has echoes of chicken boy. Chicken boy definitely seemed to see Meh as something to slot into his vision of his future.

It doesn't sound like this guy does.  In fact I suspect he may well be saying to his mates somewhere 'I really hope she is getting the message that I am not up for kids anytime soon. I mean I have told her very clearly I am going back to uni and that I want to be an actor ffs, so she must get it right? And she hasn't really mentioned kids or anything, do you think I have to bring it up more explicitly' 

 

“ I also know sb who wondered into it later in life and ended up  co-starring with Tom Cruise (actual co-starring not an extra).”

SCT is friends with Rebecca Ferguson!

Most of the talk around plans was before we'd started dating. In an ideal world I'd jack it all in and go to drama school but I'm not good enough for that so it's not an option. He seems to think I am good enough and has been trying to encourage me on that front. It's not that he doesn't care. It's that I've literally never raised it. He may also be aware that I thought my ex was a nutcase for trying to rush into kids so he might think it's not on my horizon either.

In an ideal world I'd jack it all in and go to drama school but I'm not good enough for that so it's not an option.

If you had to choose between going to drama school and having kids, which would you choose?

Both. I want kids but if I'm brutally honest I don't want them now. I still feel like I have way too much to do. It just sucks that I need to think about it.

I talked about this with my acting tutor and she was encouraging and said that it was decision that would have to be made but that a career could be a marathon, not a sprint and I could do it later if I wanted to. Weirdly she seems to think I'm good too. But maybe she's just being nice.

Reading this thread I found myself humming moon river

Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend

I’m afraid u need to crack on luv if u really want them.

I don’t think it is ever really to soon to discuss topics like this.

 

i was on a first date with a guy, and his brother had just sprogged and he was chatting about how he couldn’t wait to do that etc. I told him I had no intention of ever having my own children

 

we had a few more drinks and left separately. it was a nice date but he was early 40s and wanted kids and neither of us were going to change without resenting the other 

Or be like Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz and have one at 48.  

And what do we think the odds are of that having been a natural conception? Very slim, I'd say.

i was on a first date with a guy, and his brother had just sprogged and he was chatting about how he couldn’t wait to do that etc. I told him I had no intention of ever having my own children

I kind of envy women who don't want kids.

You should go on a date with my brother. He doesn't want them either.

LP it is poss it was a 'final flourish' so to speak - both of my grandmothers had children in their 40s. But like Rachel weicz they had already had children (she already had a teenager as well as DC's 26 year old). A first child naturally conceived at 48 would be a rare thing indeed 

The chances of that happening are very slim though. If I were a gorgeous successful actress and I knew I had a few golden career years ahead of me and I'd just got married at 41 and I had the money for the best IVF doctors in the world, it would be a no brainer for me. Embryos in the freezer and carry on being fabulous for a few more years.

if he's seriously dating a childless lady in her late 30s and he hasn't thought about children/whether you want child/what the timescale would look like, then, um.

 

so he should be ready for the chat

 

Is there evidence that having had children before is an indication that you'll be able to conceive in your late forties?  Or just an indication that you were able to conceive/carry in the first place and you still had viable eggs before menopause (and were perhaps lax with contraception because you thought your fertility had declined)?

But I have to say, if that is what they did, whilst I appreciate that she and Daniel Craig don't owe anyone an explanation for their private medical decisions, it would be kind of refreshing if they would be open about it rather than coyly acting like this is something that just happens.

I do think it gives some women unrealistic expectations of how late they can leave it.

Is there evidence that having had children before is an indication that you'll be able to conceive in your late forties?

I'm not certain but I think there is some evidence to suggest that women trying to conceive in their early 40s are more likely to be successful if they've already had children than if they are trying for their first.

I don't see why there is an implicit criticism / ridicule of this bloke and his acting aspirations - I believe Meh met him while actually taking part in the same acting course, not sure why his aspirations are inherently ridiculous, but hers are not.  Similarly, she is fully aware of his plans - in detail, even!  And, if he is minded to keep on trying till he is 100 to Make It In Showbiz, then he is entitled to do so, as long as he is not wasting her time, or blowing smoke up her arse (and he doesn't appear to be, see detailed knowledge of his plans above) - his life, his career (or not), his time to do with / waste in the pursuit of the unattainable as he pleases.

Meh knows exactly what the score is, and it is no more reasonable for her to expect him to give up his dreams to fit in with hers, than it is for him to do so.

If you know you want kids, knowing what you do about him, of course you must speak to him at some piont, or yes, this will be another chicken boy situation (and, while I have my Grinch hat on, maybe take the opportunity to ask yourself why you seem to a) fall so easily and completely, and b) fall so easily and completely with blokes who are not going to fit in with your plans without much angstifying and rending of cloth by both parties - and even though chicken boy turned out to be a bit of dick, you knew exactly what his wants were pretty much from the start too, it didn't take Mystic Meg to tell you how that was going to turn out!)

Also (I know -  the Grinchiness comes way too easily to me) - even though you have known him for a while, you have actually spent very little time actually together as a couple, I believe, probably doesn't  amount to more than a matter of days?  So, maybe, actually, it is a little premature to be asking him this question, but of course, you have a sense of how truly close you have become, but do ask yourself if you are not not so much jumping the gun, as pole vaulting majestically over it.

Even if you aren't, you have literally said up there that the prospect of kids any time soon absolutely terrifies you (although, while I agree that there is much scaremongering about the "fertility dropping off a cliff after a certain age" hysteria, remember that past performance is not an indicator of future results, so your female relatives ability to get pregnant later in life (and sustain it - remember, getting knocked up is almost the easiest part of the journey, I can attest to that!) should not be any substantial basis for your decision to hold off on getting knocked up).  If you know you are not ready to have kids for a while, why the hurry to force this issue right now?

Seeing as you do, really, barely know him (as a partner, I mean), then slowing down, chilling the f out, and enjoying getting to know him properly for a while longer with your eyes wide open, without the Meh tinted glasses on might actually be a better idea than propelling yourself and him into a world of stress prematurely and, possibly, unnecessarily.

Haven't read most of this but this is why I don't date women in their late 30's and 40's who might even conceivably want children.  It's a good thing that dating apps now come with a box to tick as to whether you want children.

I've had a potential date bring up her not wanting children before we've even met to ensure that she's not about to waste time on a bloke who's going to walk away when she says she doesn't want kids.

The advice you're getting from people on this thread is all very well, but let's be honest here. At 38 you are kind of f*cked either way here. Do you realistically have a chance ending this dating again, meeting someone else falling in love and getting married before 40? No - the chances of that are about as slim as your bloke having a successful acting career. My advice is to persuade him to pursue his dreams part time, by doing an evening class / PT masters. When he realises he won't make it in acting he can pick up the day job again and will decide to have kids so he can live vicariously and transfer all his failed hopes / dreams onto them.

 

You may call me a c*nt but the above is sound advice.

Hmm, maybe read my post. Pulling is not hard cru. Dating, finding someone you like, who likes you, falling in love, realising you want the same things, getting married and going on to pursue those things is the hard part.

Not for Meh (which is part of the problem, if you ask me) - her last couple of relationships have "blossomed" into something more : now, whether that is the result of her overlooking issues, or shoehorning herself or them into her life, who knows.  But she certainly doesn't seem to struggle in finding blokes who are in it for more than just dating.

So Meh is a serial (relatively short to medium term) monogamist and who has likely watched too many Disney movies but she is not a pragmatist. My advice is solid, with no punches pulled, she should follow it.

I appreciate your response Cru and I do take on board what you say. I wouldn't say I have fallen completely, hence my logic hat being on and contemplating walking away before I do end up too deep. Yes it's been 2 months and yes, just weekends here and there, but our relationship has been building over the past 6 months, with lots of 5 hour discussions late into the night etc etc.

There is an element of gun jumping, hence why I'm posting here rather than just having the conversation. But if we carry on with this once a fortnight bollocks, it's going to take quite some time before we get to that point naturally and that is what concerns me. If life was normal there would be far more opportunity for this kind of stuff to come up. We're in a loop of not having seen each other for so long that everything is novel and exciting and wonderful and these kind of daft conversations don't come up.

And yes, I drifted into the chicken boy situation but have been more discerning since. But yeah. I don't know. We'll see.

To the OP, apologies I’m going to be blunt but short of time. Tbh, if this is your thinking, you should have this conversation ASAP and you should already have had it. 

I was talking about all this to a friend last week around the fact that it probably wouldn't go anywhere because I can't see him being on board with both his plans and my plans. Her response was to just get myself knocked up with the cute boy and the rest we can figure out later. And that he'd get over it.

I'm not loving that idea. Trapping someone is not cool.

Spermjacking someone is not cool.  It's pretty shite behaviour tbh and I'm not sure what sort of woman thinks that its the way to resolve a problem like this. You end up comdemning the man to a lifelong relationship he never signed up to, not forgetting the financial obligation he then has and, most egregious of all, you determine that your child is not going to have a meaningful relationship with their father if said father decides he wants nothing of this onesided plan. 

I am assuming you told your friend as such and that you're not thinking along the accidentally getting upduffed route..?

I have two friends who hooked up in their mid-late 40s with younger women with whom their friend group had doubts.  Not the same as you in very many ways, but my view from my own experience was that if they had the opportunity to have kids, and it was largely their last realistic opportunity, and everything went wrong, they would still have kids, and that was a worthy end in itself.

My children have been the most significant achievement in my life, the most life-changing, and the most life-fulfilling.  My relationship with their mother is utterly barren and with hind-sight has been for years before we split, the split and aftermath was terrible, but that has been absolutely immaterial to my relationship with my children, now 25 & 26.  I'm looking forward to grandchildren. 

If you feel you want children to be a thing you have in your lifetime, and feel this is your opportunity, then my advice is unequivocally to go for it.  In my experience, no matter how badly the relationship with the father gets, your life will almost inevitably be fundamentally changed for the better.  For many (but not for others) children really are an essential part of a properly lived, full, happy, human life.  Don't deny yourself because maybe. 

If he has said he wants kids within 5 years and knows you want the same, I think that the discussion is going to be more of a face the facts type one, rather than breaking any news to him.   

Remind him that having children is a priority for you (as he knows) and that you are really going to need to get going before or at 40 to maximise chances of success.  Then ask him how he thinks it would work.  He might have already thought about it.

Honestly I don't think being a jobbing actor and a new parent are necessarily incompatible. He's going to have time to spend with his kid, even if he also (and hopefully does) have times when he has to be away.  I'm in a bit of a different situation, but as a barrister I have very busy times and less busy times and it's nice to be able to spend the latter with my daughter.  

I'd be more worried about him failing to attain his dream and the emotional fallout from that, personally.

If he has said he wants kids within 5 years and knows you want the same, I think that the discussion is going to be more of a face the facts type one, rather than breaking any news to him.   

Remind him that having children is a priority for you (as he knows) and that you are really going to need to get going before or at 40 to maximise chances of success.  Then ask him how he thinks it would work.  He might have already thought about it.

Honestly I don't think being a jobbing actor and a new parent are necessarily incompatible. He's going to have time to spend with his kid, even if he also (and hopefully does) have times when he has to be away.  I'm in a bit of a different situation, but as a barrister I have very busy times and less busy times and it's nice to be able to spend the latter with my daughter.  

I'd be more worried about him failing to attain his dream and the emotional fallout from that, personally.

If you feel you want children to be a thing you have in your lifetime, and feel this is your opportunity, then my advice is unequivocally to go for it.

Only with the guy's consent though.

If he's not up for it, that's what sperm donors are for.

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