Legal500

It's that time of year where Linkedin is awash with self-praise.

Joy.

This year it seems worse than ever

  • That time of year?
  • The nonsense is vomited 24/7 on that awful site.

I hope any of you fuckers humbly tooting your own horns get yourself straight onto http://www.billablehour.org/ to give an hour's worth of your humble, but delighted to be recognised, time to SavetheChildren.

 

indeed, but billablehour is mostly focused on you lot of "cannot believe I've been recognised in this directory that my firm's PR team heavily lobbied to include me in!"

Which means it's also time to try and remember what exciting deals you've done this year and then explain them in a way that makes them sound much grander than "I bought a house for a client because that's what I do".

Boggins & Belcher LLP is proud to announce it has been rated in Band 5 (Maidenhead) for Residential Property: Up and Coming

thanks jelly, but some of us already give significantly more than one billable hour's worth (both in time and money) to charitable and other worthy causes, so there's no real need for a lecture from you.

My Glyndebourne subscription is basically a chargeable hour before I've even bought any tickets.

What Jelly said about PR teams is bang on. The LinkedIn comments really are vomit inducing. 

Delighted to have been ranked in the top tier after having pestered my colleagues to write glowing reviews of me and had my firm's PR department buy tables at events etc..

Clients fine Caroline Shitz' head-giving to be "deeply innovative"

My experience is that colleagues don't even need to write glowing reviews. The HOD gets their trainee/Sec to compile deal details and a list of who is in the team, and internal politics dictates the rest.

Colin Pewter of Derringer and Ocelot is described as able 

Following the implosion of Fartz,  Dank Flavour swooped in 2020 and acquired the entire licensing team placing Danks head and shoulders above the South East Birmingham competition.   Department head Liz Moron has rare talents and newcomers Gary Fiddler, Jean-Pierre Brouhaha and Perry Nayam have a lifetime's experience of difficult lunches.

I like Perry Nayham a lot.  Very good in a sticky situation.  And excellent at bridging the gap between opposing parties.

Jesus Bonaparte of Godspell's is a "known entity" and works closely with Kate Skirt, Geraldine Hornbender and Billy Eyelash, who heads the team, advising on traffic controversy. Clients praise Jesus' fingerwork.  

Dave Shyster of Klutz' restructuring team is described as "low yield".

Heh at all of the above and the whole "gobsmacked to be ranked this year for Contentious Large-Scale Residential Real Estate (Commonhold) (North East) alongside only 2 other firms/practitioners" and "Elated and positively tumescent at being called "proactive at pleasing clients" this year (an upgrade from last year's "able and willing")

No you're not. You had your trainee and NQ wrote up your work highlights in the 3 years. So many people still dining out on things that happened in 2018 - not as if these things are rigorously fact checked...

Clients rave about Colin Cash who built up a funds practice at Wan Kan Co Lip and shipped it out to Billy Wedgemonkey LLP just before the former firm went into insolvency.

He is described variously as "good at diagrams" and "surrounded by a team".

Gary Sexfiend of Shrapnells is "like a rat up a drainpipe" and "has not yet been caught". Clients praise his strap-on.

Christopher Nadgeblanket QC had a very successful career at the bar before his fellow tenants at Wankforth Chambers determined he hadn't actually done any work for 23 years.  His juniors are very rich.

He has now joined the international strategy firm Completely Pointless where he consults on how doing some work will bring in money. Probably.  

Peers describe him as "undescribable" and "has a jolly nice beard".  

He gets a 5* rating from us this year and is elevated into the "City Legend" category.

 

Gary Groper is praised as "hands on" and always willing to seed things through to the end. [sub please proof]

No one outside of the legal profession is aware of it. No one. It’s unrivalled in its worthlessness as a marketing tool. As for its credibility, ask Pinocchio. 

"Isaac Hunt is again named in Band 1 for High Yield because we don't know what that is, because two successive researchers have joined and quit since last year's interviews, and because he was ranked last year and the year before that."

Arthur Entwhistle, Head of Debt recovery, is rated by clients as “pretty solid”.

Kevin Dairymaid moves up to Band 2 in Indirect Tax. Clients note that "we have no way of knowing if his advice is correct" and "we instruct Barry Panjandrum in corporate. I have no idea who the tax lawyers are."

If I read one more post on Linkedin from someone telling us about their "journey" to success or how amazing they are, I will scream. Very very few stories like that posted anywhere are inspirational or justified. 

It's revolting. A no. of these people wouldn't have the backbone to make these statements verbally as well.

True. Think it actually makes them look a bit Wanky?

 

LinkedIn always makes me want to scratch my eyes out. Utter guff.

I remember reading one of these vanity publishing things where someone was described as having 'a good bedside manner'.

Well, yes...

There was a funny post on LinkedIn by a partner at Shoosmiths I think about this. He was a litigator and ranked tier 1 but was also ranked tier 1 in corporate and made it clear he knew nothing about it. They are a large amount of hot air.