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In-law dread
Anonymous (not verified) 21 Feb 20 15:21
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Have MIL and FIL all weekend.

I'd honestly rather be having a serious surgery.

Anyone else have exceptionally annoying in-laws?  Any avoidance / coping mechanisms to share?

Tell us more about why they are annoying: undermining?  Too nice?  Too boring?  Cant suggest strategies until we have a better picture.

 

My MIL has dementia, and faints when she is sick.

 

in laws are great. I've got a lot to compare them to.

last ones were. um. challenging. and the fil was completely incomprehensible.  but it you worked on the theory he was either talking about the merits of nissans vs any other car, or the best way to drive from his home to ours, you'd probably be safe.

 

Take a really really long time getting up in the morning, going to the loo, doing kid things 

Ask your oh in advance back you up

If it gets really bad, tell them you're going out for a bit

God I hate people who describe their journey to my house.

Yes, ok so you took the A30 mate that is literally the only way you can get to where I live, you don’t need to explain to me how you got to the A30 as there is literally only one sensible way to get to it.  Off you fook now.

Yes! I have them coming to stay for THREE days next month (I think it is) and am dreading it. I generally try to see the good in people and be tolerant of human weakness (we are all sinners) but my in laws are small minded, daily mail-esque, money and status obsessed, net curtain twitching, utterly humourless, entirely tactless, and very very very dull - fil is entirely without empathy so is in a constant state of semi enraged bafflement that not everyone sees life in exactly the same way as he does - mil's "conversation" could not be more tedious and inane if one set out to be as tedious and inane as is humanly possible (nonetheless mil is forgiveable for various reasons despite spending time with her making me want to blurt out obscenities or pull my nob out just to break the immense weight of dullness) fil is not forgiveable. THREE whole days. 

FIL totally overbearing.  Can't do any conversation other than Darlington Football Club, 50s Rock 'n' Roll music and "How Things Aren't As Good Now As They Used To Be".  Any other topic of conversation will be returned to one of the above within 2 minutes, no matter what the alternative topic is.  

Any disagreement with what FIL says is a dagger to his heart.  Everyone just agrees with him now to avoid any scenes.  Despite being 72 he is totally self-centred and childlike.  To take an example, at Christmas we thought we might give the kids (6 and 4) a break from presents as there were loads and they had gone a bit loopy and he saw his arse because HE WANTED TO KEEP ON OPENING HIS PRESENTS.  Another example of his mental self-centredness is spoiling his own daughter's proposal of marriage, after his now son-in-law asked his permission but then didn't do it quickly enough so he told his daughter "he's asked my permission and will be proposing soon..."

Despite decrying mobile phones and social media for about two decades he is now addicted to Facebook.  He sees his grandkids little enough anyway, but when he's here he's always on his fooking phone like Kevin The Teenager.

MIL is a total doormat and broken by FIL.  She confided to my wife she wanted to leave him and wanted to get counselling (this was after she nearly died from pancreatitis and he promised to change but didn't).  She didn't follow through and now they are stuck with each other.  I've walked in on them before just sitting staring into space.

And they are both UNRELENTINGLY miserable.  Despite living good lives, being healthy, having had a decent innings they are both total eyeores.  We've even gee'd ourselves up to just hit them head on with unrelenting positivity, but it doesn't work.  Total fooking mood hoovers.

I still amaze myself when I remind myself that he spoiled his own daughter's wedding proposal.  Truly astounding.

Bullace - it's like a fooking prison sentence isn't it?  I think I would genuinely prefer to be in the cells for 3 days.

 inlaws sound similar ish phil - yours sound more unpleasant, mine win on dullness. mood hoover is a good expression - they exhaust me, they know i'm not comfortable with them, but are too......something combined with lack of empathy and daily mail-itis means that they simply cannot comprehend why that may be.

Coffers I've done a pretty good job of that for forty something years so far.

I instead have parent dread as mum is going into hospital next month which means I have a week one on one with my father in the country which will be an absolute pain and no doubt involve an argument over some issue that wasn't an issue until he invented it.  No doubt we'll also discuss moving the TV and other subjects for the 87th time.  Think I need to hint to some of his friends that they need to invite him round for an evening.  I'm also planning to get the builders back to sort some bits out so I can spend part of each day outside with sane human company.

Phil, you have my commiserations they sound awful. 1950s rock n roll is basically popular music BEFORE IT GOT GOOD in the 1960s. Darlington Football Club is a football club for people who actively dislike talent.

On the plus point, if your FiL likes moaning about how things aren't as good as they used to be then a Wesley Snipes film marathon in strict chronological order would be right up his street because after Demolition Man they get a lot worse.

 

Best tactic for mood Hoover’s is to organise relentless activity on a pre-announced timetable so they can’t object.  Preferably activity involving them and preferably such that conversation is impossible.  

Children are a good prop for this.  If little Tarquinius and little Jemika have to go to their archery lesson and then their drumming lesson and then their language class there is little the in-laws can say.  And you get to be out of the house ......

Cinemas and theatres also work well.  If they don’t want to go, leave them at home.  

Finally, just blustering orders at them works quite well: “Great, we’ve had tea, now it’s time for a quick game of sardines in the West Wing, then you need to change for dinner”.  

 

Laz I think there's probably a lot of truth in that.  I like my wife and kids.  Also some close friends.  Apart from that I can take or leave basically anyone.  And I actively dislike a frightening proportion of people generally I think.

fair enough m88, life has to make room for the misanthrope

and as you say, just because you hate everyone doesn't mean these guys aren't twots

I'm lucky - we get on great and until illness took over they cooked for us every Friday night - and the food lasted most of the weekend.

And supplied liberally with cases of red wine.smiley

My in laws are OK. My FIL is a really nice bloke and a good intellectual, did a PHD in his spare time in retirement, likes his railway history. My MIL is quite stressy but basically a decent person. TBH though, as with Pinko I tend to have a fairly generalised attitude to humanity - I tend to think most people are ok.

they are also really good with the children and generous with their time

my own parents are a bit odd, especially my mum, but I love them and they too are v kindly

Another example of his mental self-centredness is spoiling his own daughter's proposal of marriage, after his now son-in-law asked his permission but then didn't do it quickly enough so he told his daughter "he's asked my permission and will be proposing soon..."

who tf would even do this? what a spanner. 

FIL is ex-copper. MIL is ex-headmistress.

fooking barrel of laughs, as you can imagine.

I jest. They're good people. I can take FIL to the pub. They enjoy their food, their drink, their laughs and their grandkids. 

Funny story, I actually met FIL before I met Mrs Shooty. I was defending a wanna-be finger print expert, let's call him Mr XYZ from a charge of Dangerous Driving. He had just qualified. If he had been convicted, he would not have been able to work as a fingerprint expert for the police. We explained this to CPS, who did the usual CPS thing and either failed to understand it, or just ignored it, so we fought it. 

He was a little concerned when, at lunch, he found out that his solicitor collected arcade machines and his barrister spent a couple of years bumming around in the desert in beachbuggies, looking for oil. 

Anyway, so, we're in Evesham mags court (think it was the mags. We got bounced around a few courts that morning, it might have been Droitwich, but let's say Evesham for convenience), in the single con room they have, when this old boy knocks on the door, pokes his head in, looks at us, says "sorry, my mistake", and closes the door. I think no more about it, we fight the trial, get our guy off (the prosecution main witness was hiliariously bad), and go home.

Finger print experts wife was gorgeous. He was punching WELL above his weight.

Fast forward about two years, meeting Mrs Shooty's parents for the first time, I find out that FIL worked witness service in various courts, including Evesham. I said "Ooh, I've been there, had a Dangerous Drive. I was defending someone called Mr XYZ"

FIL: "... I think we've met, you know. I was at school with someone called Mr XYZ, it's not a common name, and when I saw that on the lists for the day, I thought "wonder if it's him" and stuck my head in the room."

Me: "I remember you sticking your head in the room!"

Etc.

Just on that prosecution witness: The allegation was that Mr XYZ performed an unsafe overtaking manoeuvre, trying to overtake 3 vehicles at the same time, resulting in a collision in which, thankfully, there were no fatalities or serious injuries.

Their main witness looked exactly like David Haig playing his most miserable and henpecked character that he's always cast as. 

As he stood there, looking at his feet and, I shit you not, constantly kicking the dock like a nervous schoolkid, he was asked "And how many cars did Mr XYZ attempt to overtake before getting level with your car?"

"12"

"... sorry, can you repeat that?"

"12"

"... 12 cars? Are you sure?"

"Yeah, 12".

This was, one has to admit, stretching the limits of credulity a bit. Anyway, it turned out that he had small man syndrome of some sort, and as Mr XYZ went to overtake, this fooker matches speed with him. As cars are seem oncoming, XYZ slows down, so what does dickhead do? Slows down at the same rate. And the rest is history...

If I'd meant "funny ha ha", I would obviously have said "Totes hilarious story about this, m7s"

Here, I clearly meant "funny" in the sense of "goodness me, isn't that just one of those things?"

I shall be more discerning with my adjectives, henceforth.

fookers.

who tf would even do this? what a spanner. 

Signed in just to say this. 

What would have spoiled my marriage proposal is learning that my husband to be had asked my father before asking me. 

Even my mild mannered, traditional and sometimes depressingly unfeminist dad didn't think this was necessary in 1980. 

Anna the FIL made it VERY clear to both daughters that he expected to be asked.  Hence both daughters passed that directive on in advance.

Of course they should have told him to fook off, but as set out above it wouldn’t have been worth the endless aggro.

My SIL didn’t speak to him until just before the wedding, and only then on (his) condition it was never mentioned again.  Which it never has been.

Can you IMAGINE the simmering resentment?

 

I’ve got another.  Mrs Stamp doesn’t give a shit about football.  And never did.  But guess what?  FIL didn’t care about that and took her home and away to see Darlington FC.

Eventually she managed to escape and stopped going at 13.

Last Christmas, when she was fookING 39, he saw Brian Little (Darlington’s most notable manager) had released an autobiography.  Not only did he buy her this book, but he arranged for it to be signed by the author for her.  Not only THAT but he compiled various photographs in it consisting of when she’d been dragged to an away game at Kettering which was mentioned in the book, and then he’d only gone and read it first AND ANNOTATED IT.  He thought this was a thoughtful gift.  And Mrs Stamp had to pretend to like it rather than say “what the aunting fook is in your head your creepy little fooking ghoul?”

"Mrs Stamp had to pretend to like it rather than say “what the aunting fook is in your head your creepy little fooking ghoul?”

 

why didn't she tho?

i am probably as much of a aunt as you so up with this I would not put.  But I know loads of people who have family members who do things like this all the time, and they never ever say anything. Ever.
Because it would "upset" the arsehole family member. Who clearly doesn't care about upsetting other people. 

I didn’t bother the previous times but my most recent FIL I did Skype and ask him before asking her.

Obv a turbofeminist who completely emasculates her Male wife will find this offensive.

Because it would "upset" the arsehole family member. Who clearly doesn't care about upsetting other people. 

I don't have the misfortune to have someone like this in my family but I would have thought that pissing them off to the point where you eventually go no contact would be no bad thing. 

I think if a family member made me a gift commemorating all the time we'd spent together doing an activity I disliked or was indifferent to, I'd still be touched by the effort. But I'm an exceptionally nice guy.

It sounds like a thoughtful gift. Not his fault she's not a darlo fan. Mebbe she prefers boro,  got seduced by all that fancy dan juninho ravanelli circus. Not proper though is it like Darlo

Yeah, but Gwenners, Laz, the thing is, he probably wasn't doing it for her, or for the memories. He was doing it for HIM, and the commentary in the book was like an enforcement of his verson of events, so that she would be forced to see it that way. 

Phil may be able to confirm if that sounds a likely mindset.

I’m glad I always had pretty decent MILs and given I’ve had three of them I’m assuming the stereotypes are wrong. 

Mind you, totally Wood my most recent MIL.

 

No. Telling him gives him the opportunity to build his case if he thinks you’re a dick. My uber feminist wife was most pleased when she found out I’d done it. 

I think the first person who should hear about her forthcoming marriage should be your intended wife not her dad 

my father never even met my first husband he certainly won't meet my second 

Women were possessions in the past. They are not now. 
 

It’s manners to let her father know you are going to ask her. If she doesn’t already know you are at least thinking of asking her, does she know you well enough to be your wife? 

But *why* is it good manners to tell a woman's father before you ask her? 

theres only one reason to do this - a pointless fudge of an outdated practice of asking permission.  It's absurd 

I don't really get staged proposals anyway - you talk about getting married, you decide that's what you want to do, you are engaged that's it  

 

Why is it good manners to tell him? Why not her mum? Or her sister? Or her best friend? Why her *father*?
 

you know exactly why - because you are in fact asking permission and it's sexist crap. Just own it if that's your thing 

Because it just is. Every married man I know did it. My wife was very appreciative of it. 
 

As you say, you talk about getting engaged. She knows your going to ask her, so it’s not as if the subject has been raised with her when you speak to her father. 

Is a father walking his daughter down the aisle sexist too?

A little bit, yeah. But it's the kind of sexist I can live with. More palatable if the groom walks down the aisle with his mother. 

no no don't change the subject (the first probably is if you think about the symbolism of it yes). Please explain why it is polite to specifically have a conversation with your girlfriends father, absent from her or anyone else, prior to making an engagement official. I'd really like to know why you think this is necessary or appropriate.  'Everyone else does it' (they don't) and my wife is feminist aren't reasons they're special pleading.

 

I spoke to them both.

First we've heard of it. Does that mean you spoke to her father about it and her mother happened to be in the room and was an irrelevance? Otherwise why do you keep saying you spoke to her "father" and not her "parents"? 

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