Lawyers at a Canadian firm have celebrated International Talk Like a Pirate Day with a bum-clenching display of bad acting.

In a series of two minute videos posted on Wednesday, Acumen Law's attorneys presented their "Pirate's Guide to surviving the seven seas". 

 

One of the starring pirates, 'Maraudin' Mary' is played by Kyla Lee. She was awarded $1 in June after she sued a client for calling her the "worstest lawyer". RollOnFriday feels safe calling Lee not the bestest actor. Her co-host, 'Impaired Pete the Pirate' aka Paul Doroshenko, QC, is a natural talent. But with lines like "Each voyage we be having buckets of driving prohibitions revoked", no-one is getting out of this without a good keelhauling.

 

 

An episode entitled 'marijuana-impaired sailor' features the spectacle of a humiliated lawyer with two peg legs wobbling about as Impaired Pete translates Canadian traffic offences into pirate. "They may get ye to walk the plank in a straight line", he growls, "to see if ye be steady as she goes".

 

 

In another threat to the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, Maraudin' Mary growls into a leather boot, "Oh, hello, hi, you be charged with mutiny? We can help...but don't ye be committing Mutiny against Acumen!".

 

 

Each episode sets sail with a gag. Here's one:

Impaired Pete: "What letter does the pirate hate most of all?"
Maraudin' Mary: "Be it 'rrr'?"
Impaired Pete: "No, Mary, it be the letters of notice of intent to prohibit from ICBC."

If Mary and Pete are bad, their colleagues are diabolical. In the aptly titled 'Assault', Impaired Pete accuses Mary of cheating at cards and bounces her head off a table. An excruciatingly slow sword fight ensues, before a terrified lawyer takes the stage and begs with his eyes for his normal clothes and vocabulary.

 

 

Enjoy a sample:

If you've seen lawyers who've been at sea too long and then made a film, report them.