Problem of a reader.  

I often “have” to go out for beers and a curry with the team and also with my contacts at my biggest clients.  I love a “bucket’o’beer and vindaloo” combo but it does play havoc with my insides.

I work hard to try to keep it all in, but sometimes the gas needs to come out.  If I want to do this away from my colleagues I have to go out of the office, which involves using the lift (risky in case of a premature evacuation) and going out through the double height glass fronted lobby into the busy street.  It’s a ten minute trip on its own and my boss is like a hawk and if I am in and out all the time I will be “marked down”.

My gripe (apart from the stomach gripes) is that since I’m eating and drinking in the interests of the firm, it seems only fair that I be able to let it out in the office. Can I?

The usual thing is to go down the fire escape stairs to the floor below and stink out someone else's facilities.  This is especially effective if you are in a shared block with common toilets on each floor, where you can be a thief in the night leaving nothing but   If you want to make this a little more deniable, then pop back up clutching a box of post it notes or folders so it looks like you have been to the print room.  If you need to drop off the requisite stationery each evening on your way out, to pick up the next day as required, then do so. Make sure your chosen comfort station is in the opposite direction from the print room, so that you can make it clear you were nowhere near the bogs. BUT DON'T GET SEEN.

Pretend you smoke. For some reason this activity still seems tolerated in a way that stepping outside to have a can of pre-mixed gin and tonic or a benzo is frowned upon.  Maybe buy one of those weird vape things and then relax outside, puffing clouds of smoke from both ends.

If you want something my environmentally sound, maybe get some of that herbal tea which smells strongly of fruit and deliciousness but tastes of nothing (if you are lucky). If your office is anything like mine there will be a cupboard full of it. NAked flames for fragranced candles or joss sticks are not allowed.  You could get a bowl of potpourri (try TK Maxx which must be the world’s largest seller) but don’t just leave it for ever - after a few weeks it turns into a dusty bowl of arid scraps of wood and the cure may well be worse than the disease.

Tape one of those Neutradol balls to the bottom of your desk.

Maybe try to change your diet - Ethos offers meat free, dairy free, gluten free, joy free dining - but keep off the potatoes and have the KeenWah, as they charge by weight. £££.

However I think the best solution is some charcoal pants. Check out these - they even have jeans for Dress-down Friday.  Get them yourself before they come to you from the secret santa……