Bonkers law school email of the week

Thanks to the Roffer who sent in the following email, sent by a tutor to every LPC student at Kaplan Law School regarding the forthcoming interviewing assessment this week. Obviously tongue in cheek and a
friendly attempt to calm frantic students (fair enough, given that certain firms seem prepared to use any sort of momentary LPC lapse an excuse to terminate a TC). But still, is there something in the water at Kaplan?


From: Kaplan Tutor To: All LPC students Subject: "Interviewing Assessment: Do you have the chat? As a tutor watching the students run through a full interview, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so, I did a little of both. However, while this can be quite amusing, it still doesn’t help the students pass the Interviewing Assessment. Therefore, with the students best interests at heart, here are my top tips for surviving the forthcoming “Interviewing Assessment”. 1. Presentation and Rapport This can be achieved by simply being sexy. How do you do that? By dressing well, looking hot and wearing some make up (applies to boys and girls). No one wants to look at an unattractive person, let alone spend 30 minutes with them. Therefore, make an effort on the day. While this won’t necessarily pass you, it will ensure you fail with some style and dignity. Consequently, at the end of the assessment, the tutor is entitled to say “I am sorry you failed your interviewing assessment, but if it’s any consolation, you are damn attractive”. 2. Ask Relevant Questions “Are you single? Do you like breakfast in bed? How do you feel about open relationships?” These are all very good questions but not the kind you should be asking during the fact finding stage of the interview. However, please feel free to ask those questions once you have completed the case/matter and billed the client. Then he/she is fair game. 3. Stay Focused The mind has a habit of wandering. If a client is unloading her life story to you, you are probably thinking “Do I care?” Probably not, but you should because they are paying your bills and for that shiny new car in your drive. My advice, therefore, is “Fake it”. Nod from time to time; add in the choice phrase “I am sorry to hear that” or “This must be so hard for you”. If you have trouble faking interest, just watch me the next time I teach an SGS or talk to a student. I use phrases like “Well done!”, “That is a good question!” or “It was a pleasure teaching you today!” Do we mean it? No, not at all 4. Advising This is where you tell them what to do. Of course, no one likes to be told what to do. Therefore, you present your client with 3 options but steer him toward the option that best suits you. Firstly, if it’s Friday afternoon, the option you want your client to do is: do nothing. The last thing you want on a Friday is to start some research for Jas Patel or Pat Cunningham. Secondly, if it’s a point of law they are asking to advise on and it’s out of your area of expertise, then the best option is: negotiate. Negotiation does not involve any law. It involves taking a chance, being a bit cheeky and hoping for the best. Even you can do that. Lastly, the option of: litigation. It’s end of month, you need to hit your billing targets and in comes a straight forward case where you know you can demolish the other side. In those cases, you litigate till you destroy the other side and feel like a gladiator in the process. Litigation is court sanctioned violence. Enjoy it. 5. Costs. Time is money. A lap dance costs £20 for 3 minutes. The typical trainee costs £150 for one hour. Therefore, 3 minutes of your time costs £7.50. On a pure cost benefit analysis lap dancing is more profitable. Why are any of us here? Good luck for the Interviewing Assessment. Make sure you complete SGS 4 with your student partner taking advantage of the above tips. Tutor

From: Kaplan Tutor
To: All LPC students
Subject: "Interviewing Assessment: Do you have the chat?

As a tutor watching the students run through a full interview, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so, I did a little of both. However, while this can be quite amusing, it still doesn’t help the students pass the Interviewing Assessment.

Therefore, with the students best interests at heart, here are my top tips for surviving the forthcoming “Interviewing Assessment”.

1. Presentation and Rapport

This can be achieved by simply being sexy. How do you do that? By dressing well, looking hot and wearing some make up (applies to boys and girls). No one wants to look at an unattractive person, let alone spend 30 minutes with them. Therefore, make an effort on the day.

While this won’t necessarily pass you, it will ensure you fail with some style and dignity. Consequently, at the end of the assessment, the tutor is entitled to say “I am sorry you failed your interviewing assessment, but if it’s any consolation, you are damn attractive”.

2. Ask Relevant Questions

“Are you single? Do you like breakfast in bed? How do you feel about open relationships?” These are all very good questions but not the kind you should be asking during the fact finding stage of the interview. However, please feel free to ask those questions once you have completed the case/matter and billed the client. Then he/she is fair game.

3. Stay Focused

The mind has a habit of wandering. If a client is unloading her life story to you, you are probably thinking “Do I care?” Probably not, but you should because they are paying your bills and for that shiny new car in your drive.

My advice, therefore, is “Fake it”. Nod from time to time; add in the choice phrase “I am sorry to hear that” or “This must be so hard for you”. If you have trouble faking interest, just watch me the next time I teach an SGS or talk to a student. I use phrases like “Well done!”, “That is a good question!” or “It was a pleasure teaching you today!” Do we mean it? No, not at all

4. Advising

This is where you tell them what to do. Of course, no one likes to be told what to do. Therefore, you present your client with 3 options but steer him toward the option that best suits you.

Firstly, if it’s Friday afternoon, the option you want your client to do is: do nothing. The last thing you want on a Friday is to start some research for Jas Patel or Pat Cunningham.

Secondly, if it’s a point of law they are asking to advise on and it’s out of your area of expertise, then the best option is: negotiate. Negotiation does not involve any law. It involves taking a chance, being a bit cheeky and hoping for the best. Even you can do that.

Lastly, the option of: litigation. It’s end of month, you need to hit your billing targets and in comes a straight forward case where you know you can demolish the other side. In those cases, you litigate till you destroy the other side and feel like a gladiator in the process. Litigation is court sanctioned violence. Enjoy it.

5. Costs.

Time is money. A lap dance costs £20 for 3 minutes. The typical trainee costs £150 for one hour. Therefore, 3 minutes of your time costs £7.50. On a pure cost benefit analysis lap dancing is more profitable.

Why are any of us here?

Good luck for the Interviewing Assessment. Make sure you complete SGS 4 with your student partner taking advantage of the above tips.

Tutor

Comments

This tutor is my personal and Business Law tutor. An absolute living legend!

I loved this. I see my second attempt in a totally different light!