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Too soon?

So I have a boyfriend now, in case I haven't already mentioned it. He is very keen. Very very keen. He has essentially decided that I am the one. He wants kids, yesterday. He talks about how cute our kids will be. He talks using when, not if. And it's frequently accompanied with comments about how much he can't wait. Last week I said that I'd want to be married before kids in order to slow him down and his response was "not a problem" but in a tone of voice that said yes sir, right away, woohoo!

He has made it very clear today that he'd be happy to see if nature took its course now but will also respect whatever pace I want to go at. Part of me thinks this is insane. Part of me thinks I will be 37 next month so, you know, maybe it's not the most terrible idea.

It's insane, isn't it? Give me your scathing, scathing wisdom!

I think a woman should only agree to have a child (or keep that child if she finds herself accidentally pregnant) if she is prepared for the poss that she may end up as a single parent. 

If you are prepared to think that it could all go wrong but "time is ticking" and if you end up doing this solo you will deal, then why not.  Other than that you hardly know him but how well do we ever know anyone?

i know of a few couples that had an early accidental baby catastrophe style and made  a go of it. And some that didn't but everyone concerned acted like an adult and all is fine really. 

 

If I were you I would try and get hold of his phone without him knowing. Once you have it, search his emails and texts for key words like "baby sale", "trafficking", "best price" and "Vietnam".

I say this with the benefit of painful experience.

 

I agree re love bombing. He will probably get bored and wander off within 12 months, some men treat their rebound woman like a therapy pet. I have painful experience of this. 

Stand by what I said tho 

I think it is creepy that he is this keen on that particular topic (a bit fetishy and cmon surely he wants to have some fun time with you first?) but agree with what hoolie said overall. If you would rather have a kid than no kid this time next year then have at it.

He's intelligent and (presumably) good looking so would raising his kid alone be such a negative if it came to it?

Btw you're never actually alone when single parenting unless you choose to isolate yourself from family. I speak from some experience here.

Chambers. Please, for fookS sake, understand where Miss T is coming from. We do NOT hate men. What we want to know is why all the men seem to hate women so much that they demean us, don't allow us room at the table, and don't seem to understand that subtle misogynistic crap that we have to deal with on a daily basis.

Well then Chambers can answer it. A woman having an opinion and feeling frustrated about the imbalance in society does not a nutter make. And a white middle class male with huge amounts of privilege dismissing her with such a comment says more about him than it does her, n'est pas?

On what basis?! Because you don't see the inherent bias? Or it benefits you? Or because Miss T wrote a lot of paragraphs and you feel, really, that she's just being really unnecessarily vocal about it and it makes you uncomfortable?

Congratulations!

It’s a nice problem to have. 

There is no minimum time. 

It depends. On the two people concerned. 

That you ask for advice - on ROF of all places  - implies that, for you, it is too soon. 

Tell him so.

Better than saying ‘sometime’ it may be better to say that you don’t want to commit to marriage for at least another six/nine/twelve months and that babies come after that.

I think that you could also suggest some ways that would help you to know him better as quickly as possible - and this might help to ensure that you will eventually be willing to commit. This could include meeting his family, exs, seeing where he grew up, meeting with his current friends and friends from uni or whatever

 

Tell us more about this man:

How old is he?

Where did you meet him?

How much does he earn?

Is he good looking? Or, is he better looking than you?

Do other women find him attractive?

Has he been married before?

 

“...an angry rant on this board might appear to some to be insane or the mark of a nutter...”

I didn’t to imply that was the case just that by raising the subject as you have, you have answered your own question about the wisdom of it

I’ve been in a relationship with a woman who was like that and I’m sure no one needs me to tell them how that one went.  It is far too soon and you know it.

He is delighted he has found someone as wonderful and pretty as you and can’t wait to knock you up and fulfil all those dreams he thought were lost forever when his last relationship ended.

Slow him down now so you don’t both end up regretting it.  Plenty of time for all this, you don’t need to be in a rabid rush, even if you just defer for a year to make sure things are right.

He's not remotely narcissitic so that's a huge plus. He is not the usual bad boy type I go for. He is sweet and kind and always thinking of other people.

He knows I think things need to slow down a bit. To begin with I was a bit shocked by it all but the age thing is something that I have to be mindful of. I've always been a "one day" person rather than a "maybe" so....

I guess in any relationship at any stage you need to be ok with the idea of being a single parent because kids are well known for fooking up relationships regardless of duration. In his defence he seems to have staying power and isn't dickish. He also appreciates that relationships change and take work. He doesn't seem quite so much a romantic fantasist...

The fact you’re on here asking about it rather than simply swept away in the momentum of it speaks volumes 

I don't do swept when it comes to big things like this. I do overthinking and ruminating. I'm coming around to it a little more but not immediately. But probably not forever away.

I think if I were you I would probably throw caution to the wind (but I am wary of saying this because I am not sure it is good advice to give a friend, I think there could be really hard times)

Maybe you should start talking through some worst case scenarios

like what if you are no longer together and he wants to live abroad again

what if the kid had additional support needs

etc

I reckon that some of the questions the Catholic priests make you do before you get married are actually quite useful mental exercises (weirdly)

Tell us more about this man:

How old is he? 36

Where did you meet him? On bumble but first date was at the german sex dungeon

How much does he earn? More than me.

Is he good looking? Or, is he better looking than you? Good looking. Not sure if he's better than me?

Do other women find him attractive? Yes

Has he been married before? No, but last relationship was 9 years or so.

Only you will know if it’s too soon. Obvs what everyone said about it being a rebound. I wouldn’t commit to having a baby with someone that you barely know though. There’s no going back on that. 

T doesn't come across as a nutter she comes across as an entitled brat with high ambition that can't work out why the world doesn't revolve around her. Must be those horrid men again.

Stop worrying about he wants. What do you want Meh? Are you after marriage and babies? 

I am wary of anyone who is fanatical about anything. Why is he in such a rush? It sounds suffocating.

how long ago did the 9 yr relationship end? Why didn't he marry her and have kids with her, and is his version of events vaguely independently verifiable?

That whole thing of "only do it if you're prepared to do it alone" is not quite the full story. Only do it if you're prepared to co parent from separate households with someone you barely know who may have an insane family / strongly held views on education / an insistence on some random thing that you feel equally strongly about. Do you have any clue at all what this person would be like to split up with and still co parent with? Have you even argued with him yet? have an argument!

 

(I know a couple who had a child within a year of meeting. Still together - despite getting married and then divorced in the meantime but that's not the point of my story here!)

I don't know if I could say that I love him yet, but I do fall quite easily and it's headed in that direction.

Not now, but I think we can explore the questions around all the worst case scenarios and see what happens.

I think he's in a rush because he'd tried a couple of years ago with his ex and looked into IVF etc but decided not to proceed, and he's heard all the stats about old birds. And he literally melts whenever he sees babies in general. I guess I need to scope out whether he would be sticking around if I was unable to produce and heir and a spare...

Ended 5 months ago but allegedly over for a good year or two before that. He isn't really interested in marriage as a concept and thinks it's unnecessary but would if that was something I wanted before having a family. His family sound normal. I've already probed him about his flaws and what he's like if he doesn't get his own way. He seems quite placid and easy going in general and his break up seems amicable and civil.

You wear your heart on your sleeve meh, that’s one of the best things about you that you are such a seeetheart.  But people are obviously going to worry about you making a major decision (and bringing a new life into the world is the biggest decision you will ever make) and then going through a very real and all too familiar struggle later.

Get him to review this again in a year, maybe by then you will have grown to love him and it won’t need any debate.  But this is simply far too soon, you’ve spent very little time together in the grand scheme of things.  You need to spend time to see how you each react in normal course of life - say after a shit week at work, or an argument with a friend or just when something goes wrong with one of his investments or suchlike.  Or even stuff in the wider world like Brexit or a slump in the economy.

You don’t know one another well enough through the difficult times yet to be able to commit like this.

Am also contemplating getting some basic tests done to see whether I actually need to crack on regardless to fulfil my own life plan or whether I have more time to play with comfortably.

Meh, if you were Indian or Bangladeshi or Pakistani, you would have had an arranged marriage by now and had an heir and a few spares...

None of this "Is it too soon?" ruminating on ROF.

Team go for it \smiley/

 

If you’re happy to essentially use him as a sperm donor then go for it now, regardless of relationship status. 

If you’d like to make a go of it with him then waiting a little while whilst getting some tests done sounds sensible. Reassess at say Christmas time? 

Fingers crossed for everything! We want a happy ending for Meh cheeky

He hasn't met my friends yet but has enthusiastically signed up for the next meet up that we have planned. He's also keen to come to my niece's christening up north at the end of August where he'd meet my entire family. His family all know about me and are apparently really pleased about us.

His breath is fine, can't speak to his flossing habits as I have not observed.

And yes, I'm half Pakistani and politely declined my Dad's offer of arranging me something in my early twenties. But again I guess it's a similar concept. You need fundamental shared values and a commitment to keep buggering on even when it gets hard. And also therapy. If it's needed.

On the serious Q - defo get the test done - a few friends have done this and result shave gone both ways - the point is, at leas then you know if you have a prob or not. That will help with the tick tock element (from personal experience, it defo helps knowing either way!!)

On a FAR more "important" note - where and what is the German s e x dungeon?!?! 

I made him do that 16 personalities test and he came out INFP which I'd guessed already. Weirdly accurate those things... apparently 2 Ps can cause difficulties in a relationship but he was only 51% P so I think we're ok. I'm ENFP. I would have said we were very similar but I am far more extrovert and gosh darn it I was right!

Hmm.

This is him posting, keeping up the pretence that Meh is still of this world until the pigs have disposed of the body.

He's building a narrative in which she gets cold feet and runs away, and he can play the love-lorn victim.

He’s not a fan of anal because he doesn’t want to waste his seed which could be swimming it’s way to your eggs.  Nothing to do with vanilla, he just wants babies.  NOW.

call me old fashioned but in the same way that for you marriage comes before kids, love comes before both.

would you want to marry him if neither of you wanted kids?

wait until you are properly in love unless you fancy being a single mum ( although he might well be a good father, who knows, but he seems a bit too romantic about the notion of parenthood tbh).

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