Discussion

Main Board| Accommodation Wanted| Accommodation Offered
Start a new discussion on this board

Let your next career move come to you.

relationship advice sought

OK it is probably not such a good idea but I'll see

so basically, my GF and I we were arguing and then agreed that there should be absolute honesty in a relationship

on that occasion I told her that I sometimes take cocaine but that it's not often and not a biggie and that I have been accustomed to it for a very long time, without any problems and addiction

but now she insists that I do it behind her back, that it is an issue etc.

without me telling her, she would not have known about or even suspected my occasional recreational consumption

I just wanted to be honest and that is the result

 

what to do now? how do I get her to stop worrying about it?

schoolboy error - yes

cocaine is for w**kers - not entirely untrue altho I don't see myself a s a w**ker. we're not talking about daily consumption here or several times per week

gak together - does not look like it

 

there is nothing you can “do”. Just don’t talk about it and wait for her to forget it and move on to the next thing. Stopping/pretending to stop won’t work because she’ll just think you’re lying to her even if you are telling her the truth. 

If you want to speed up the process just tell her you slept with another woman and I guarantee the cocaine will be forgotten. 

I'm not addicted to it, I just do it behind my loved one's back and won't give it up even if it means the end of the relationship.

 

Totally fine and healthy relationship with my drugs me.

Ok so I dont want to be patronizing but if you have been going out for 3 years and never mentioned the fact you do coke you clearly think there is something wrong with it? 

 

Also, maybe  its just me, but once I got into a serious relationship the appeal of stuff like that didnt seem to make sense any more. 

 

What situations do you find yourself in when you feel you have/want to do coke?

I don't like to do it when she's around, I do it when I am by myself, which is rare. wandering around town, going to an exhibtion, into a museum or shopping stuff

If I had been with someone for 3 years and they told me they had been talking coke all that time I would feel I didn’t really know or trust them and they had a secret life that didnt include me.  

No trust = no relationship.  

why  is this a trust issue? Did DD ever lie to her about it (or in any other way deceive her/hide it from her etc)? Or is it just something he happened to do sometimes when he was alone that he told her about recently?

is it also a trust issue if he doesn’t reveal that he had a w**k while looking at pron last Tuesday when she was out with the girls?

Why on earth would you do it to go and see a museum?

It's trust building when you tell her at the outset so she knows what she's getting into rather than telling her some way down the line.  I went on a few dates with someone who wouldn't tell me her surname and eventually admitted that the name she'd been going by wasn't her real name and just made me wonder how many other things she'd told me were true or not.

I am trying to imagine how being on coke enhances an exhibition

 

HOPPER

MAN IT'S fookING HOPPER!

LOOK AT THE fookING LIGHT MAN?!!?!

EPIC

ANYONE GOT ANY VERAS?

I assume the radical transparency advocates here draw up a list of potential misdeeds/thought crimes to be shared with a potential partner within the first three dates? 

 

 

WTF - that is the weirdest coke habit!?

 

Also if you cant go to a museum without doing coke...

 

also maybe you havent lied to her but I cannot believe for a second that over the last 3 years you have never had a discussion that you have had to steer in another direction to avoid lying about it? 

 

Also maybe its just me but drugs is a pretty standard set of questions when you first start dating someone ?

 

a) also maybe you havent lied to her but I cannot believe for a second that over the last 3 years you have never had a discussion that you have had to steer in another direction to avoid lying about it? 

--> no I did not have to "steer" any discussion so as to not lie

 

b) Also maybe its just me but drugs is a pretty standard set of questions when you first start dating someone ?

 

--> not really

 

 

If she has an issue with you continuing to do it, then stop doing it (and tell her you will stop because she doesn't like it). If you like doing it too much, then break up with her and find someone who will be happy to do it with you.

Also, getting coked to go to museums? That's about as cool as the guys I used to know who took pills before university (80s) nights. 

 

I once went to winter wonderland with a guy who had to do a line before we went because he'd been out all night. 2019 Meh would have ditched him there and then. 2012 Meh was a bit fvcked up.

so basically, my GF and I we were arguing and then agreed that there should be absolute honesty in a relationship

on that occasion I told her that I sometimes take cocaine but that it's not often and not a biggie and that I have been accustomed to it for a very long time, without any problems and addiction

you only disclosed it because honesty in the relationship had come up after an argument.

 

is it also a trust issue if he doesn’t reveal that he had a w**k while looking at pron last Tuesday when she was out with the girls?

taking cocaine (illegal, and most people don't do it) is not the same thing as having a w**k (not illegal, and a normal part of life).

Let's see.... you don't do it when she's around, in fact you don't do it socially at all, you just do it sneakily alone and have been covering it up for years.

That, my friend, is not a habit.  That is an addiction.  Get help.

 

Not bullshit at all.  You may not be chemically addicted as such but you clearly have feelings of guilt over it and sometimes just need to sneak off and get a hit.  That really is textbook addict behaviour.

Aww, DD still thinks he can get women to forget things they can use against him and/or stop worrying about things.

Bwess youwww DD xxxxx

*ruffles DD's hair*

OP: how do I get my o/h to stop worrying about me taking illegal drugs?

EVERYONE: stop taking illegal drugs.

OP: Not that.

 

Also - you fooking muppet, agreeing on absolute honesty and then telling her the truth. 

The wonderful thing about being someone's GF, as opposed to wife, is that if you are not happy in the relationship you can just leave.  I suggest you inform your GF of this right and advise her to either exercise it or accept your habits.  And vice versa

Johnny not on the first three dates per se but various things I will drop into conversation when appropriate in the initial stages.  Also your actions make some things obvious so you know lighting up when you walk out of the pub kind of announces you might like the odd fag.

"Also - you fooking muppet, agreeing on absolute honesty and then telling her the truth." 

Indeed, in the words of Admiral Ackbar, "it's a trap!".

 

Indeed Sails, I agree some things just naturally emerge as things progress, like err...surnames? It seems a lucky escape on your part in that case.

Nevertheless, personally I'd struggle to cross examine someone on their full history with substances etc. More fool me perhaps. 

Just give it up ffs. I am not one to moralise about drugs at all but it's not a good look in a bloke approaching middle age tbh and it's not completely unreasonable for her to be worried about it.  God knows what you are actually putting up your nose and while it might be unlikely that you'll get caught it's not inconceivable particularly if you are buying the stuff and have it on you when out and about etc and that would fvck your life up fairly significantly as a professional.

the fact they are illegal is irrelevant in my opinion and the only people who ever seem concerned with that tend to be people who have never done any drugs/like following rules.

 

I just find it hard to think that seeing as she has such strong feelings about drugs then you havent also to some extent lied to her or at the least you have hidden your habit.

 

I also just think you should examine your habit and what it does for you. If you could create the same mental space without coke I guarantee you will feel a lot better and stronger as a person (Preach Salem Preach! 

 

 

Don't cross examine but if they start talking some epic night clubbing then I might ask a leading question or two or mention the time I went to the same club and got fed up with people trying to sell me stuff.  To be fair I'm not bothered about occasional drug use and it's only an issue if they nip of to the ladies to have a quick snort half way through the conversation.

Will also mention one or two things I've done along the way to guage the reaction and see where they are likely to stand on things.

The fact it is illegal is highly relevant because pretty much the only 'bad thing' that is even somewhat likely to happen that will have  serious long term impact on his life is that he get caught and gets a criminal record.  That will fvck his career good and proper. 

That does happen to people. Not often but it does.

Other 'bad stuff' e.g. ODing or getting really bad stuff that damages him or getting problematically addicted does happen, but it's pretty rare in middle class, middle aged, relatively sensible users who have been doing this for years and years. 

"Other 'bad stuff' e.g. ODing or getting really bad stuff that damages him or getting problematically addicted does happen, but it's pretty rare in middle class, middle aged, relatively sensible users who have been doing this for years and years. "

 

correct

and no, ending the relationship is not even remotely on the table

rofer: "I have relationship question"

rof: "end it! get out while you still can! toxic! plenty of fish"

You may not drive high but I assume that every now and then you have to meet someone in order to acquire supplies and that's when the police tend to pounce...

I remember moving into a new house and the neighbours were very welcoming. Not what you'd call a slum area. They invited me round to drinks and many were openly doing coke and smoking weed.

They asked me what I did and deadpan I replied 'I'm a police officer'. I wasn't, but there was lots of toilet flushing suddenly.

Don't do illegal drugs.

Err..she was right you were doing it behind her back and if you hadn’t had a lapse of the brain and told her she wouldn’t have known. 

She now doesn’t trust you and her respect for you is now down the shitter because lads that do coke are weak/vvankerz. 

You should move on if her reaction bothers you, or just wait because she sounds like she’ll be moving on in no time at all.  

You’re not married so who gives a sh1t. Start again. 

from what you say this has arisen once, out of an argument. You need to talk some more. Calmly. You need to properly hear/listen to/try to understand her issues - whether it's the coke, the trust, or something else. She should listen to your explanations as to what you do, why you do it, and what you tell her. Maybe after a bit more listening you can work out what each other's bottom line is and whether you can both deal with that. You said that it's been 3 years and ending the relationship isn't on the cards - so working out what you both need to do to keep going is the only way forward. 

Relationships have blips/issues/arguments. Resolving them requires talking, listening, compromise. I don't think the answers are on ROF.

 

fook off with your drug habit you piece of shit. Anyone worth giving a fook about will be better off without someone like you. With any luck given the universe of misery your bullshit heaps on others one of your cheeky lines will be cut with powdered glass, drain cleaner or anthrax. Even then the pain you might suffer as you hopefully die a lingering and miserable death will be as nothing compared to the suffering and stolen lives facilitated by middle class drug using w**kers like you.

I've worked with the social destruction wrought on the poorer and less advantaged people at the other end of the what your income protects you from and if I had the chance I could honestly never tire your beating people like you to death. You aunt. 

And the same goes for the pricks on this forum that might try and justify your behaviour.

Say what you really mean, Gary.

The 'social destruction' you talk about is the result of a society which feels the need to regulate what people do to their own bodies. 

No one goes around blaming speakeasy frequenters during prohibition for the criminal gangs which sprang up to address that demand. They realise now that Prohibition was a fvcking stupid idea which caused a lot of suffering, merely so hoity toity uptight NIMBYs could feel in control of the world around them.

The users bear some responsibility. The vast majority of it rests on everyone who continues to pretend our current drug policy works.

 

"I've worked with the social destruction wrought on the poorer and less advantaged people at the other end of the what your income protects you from and if I had the chance I could honestly never tire your beating people like you to death. You aunt."

So because some people take drugs and it ruins their lives, you'd like to beat to death people who take fewer drugs and it doesn't ruin their lives.

If only we all had a strong moral compass like yours, the world would be a better place.

Join the discussion

Login Register