...over rated or the catalyst for life juddering changes?

I would love a judder at the moment... ...things have become too predictable. I realise I need uncertainty to thrive.

I suspect marriage is more of a locking mechanism... ...and I'm not sure I am good at compromise.

Word association for me judder >>> halt

who were you thinking of marrying?

Depends what YOU mean by marriage. 

If it’s a contract that can be broken, then it’s not up to much and doesn’t need much fuss made about it. 

If it’s an unbreakable covenant that replaces two individuals with a single new entity, then it is a big deal. Whether it’s good or not, depends. 

For me it’s a covenant.  Like any marriage mine has its strengths and weaknesses, and ups and downs. 

You've never struck me as being good wife material, the Fluffster

Linda... ...the person who has been sharing my vagina on and off for quite a while now. The problem is that I'm selfish... ...there are things I want to do and I know she doesn't. Back to my lack of compromise point :(

Elfffi... did you feel at the point of entry to your covenant? Did you have complete faith in your decision from day 1? If you say you needed to work at it then that is probably going to be my downfall.

Bernie... shit, thus my current state of mental turmoil 

I should try... ...but I'll slowly twist away and f*ck everything up if past experience is a marker to the future.

Have you been married before?

Either way this is a different time.

People change when they get married (often in really impressive ways). Try different facets of yourself I say. 

Erm, to be honest? No.

Absolutely massive life changer in almost all respects

I have always appreciated the need to  work on, not at, our marriage.

But not the decision. It wasn’t and isn’t an issue of faith about believing whether or not it’s a good idea. 

It’s about commitment. Us are us. One can’t separate a baby back into an egg and a sperm. It’s a new thing. It’s a baby. That’s how we are.

As individuals we made an irrevocable covenant to forego our individual personae and forge this new thing, this one thing, this different thing. 

Probably depends how you do it.  I doudt a marriage in a las vegas Elvis chapel would have had the same meaning to me

My brother and sister in law got married in an Elvis chapel in Vegas. 18 years and going strong 

Some friends of mine got married in a Beverley Hillbillies themed wedding chapel in Vegas, with Grandma Hillbilly shooting a spud gun at them from the rafters and cackling while they made their vows. They were pissed. Still married 15yrs later, still rely entirely on the Nevada service as the legal basis of their marriage. Three kids now.

I don't think anyone is ever 100% sure about major life decisions like marriage, or having kids, or moving abroad etc.

Surely you just go for it and hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst?

also I would say marriage really is just a contract, it doesn't have to creepily chimerify you if you don't want it to

although feel free I guess

The non-LA chapel responses are coalescing around taking a leap of faith and working hard at the relationship in the future...

...if there are no kids in this plan and the outcome is sex on tap and companionship, is it really worth the effort. **logging out of spinster mode

Every time I see this thread title I think of Peter cook in the princess bride 



fluffy, people talk about work a lot but my view is that if you love a person and they are well matched it doesn't feel like work in the chore sense 

(people will now mock me for having the temerity to opine but I stand by it)

I don't really get the 'working at it thing' either

in any long term relationship as long as you have friendship and generally like and respect each other enough to keep going when the initial passion dwindles

(20 year relationship, married for 15)


Oh I don’t mean work at it in the sense of chore or effort.

More recognising that it isn’t static: as circumstances change a marriage needs to evolve.

Finding how it should best evolve takes communication, honesty, self-awareness, courage, trial and error ...

And it needs working at in the sense of showing appreciation for your partner and for the relationship.

lindaradlett15 Aug 19 10:31

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Every time I see this thread title I think of Peter cook in the princess bride 




Whereas I was thinking the line from Four Weddings and a Funeral that it's simply a way to fill an awkward pause in conversation when two people have run out of things to say to each other.

Elffi all long term relationships are like that.

I think the only real point to getting married is the legal aspect, and not having to refer to someone you've been with for 20 years as your boyfriend. 

For me, and maybe this is painfully naive, marriage is about standing up in front of all your family and friends and affirming this is your person forever and that you are inseparable/official etc, and that should things get rough, the commitment you have made would give more impetus to trying to work it out whereas if you're not it seems easier to just bugger off. Appreciate married people can bugger off too but I don't know, seems more grave.

I am now old enough to know a few people who admit to getting married fully in the knowledge that they weren't going to stay with the person. It just became too awkward to pull out beforehand. 

I think marriage from that perspective can be a bit embarrassing because almost half aren't forever. They should probably change the wording.

That's not naive meh but I don't think both people are always on the same page with that 

I think of weddings as slightly more high maintenance parties in which two people are supremely disingenuous but everyone else agrees not to point it out because there's free food

I don't think so? It just feels real to me. The promising to love someone foreva and eva belongs in the bin with all the Jesus credulism. Relationships are part of your journey but they are not a destination for most people, one way or another.

Maybs. But if I did the whole kids thing I'd want to be a proper little family forever (in an ideal situation). Appreciate things don't always work out and there are plenty of alternatives that work just fine, but growing up in a single parent family I'd really like the whole 2.4 gig.

Having been married, it's not the being married part that counts. 


I think if you are looking for a wand of stability that doesn't exist (sadly)

it's good from a contract point of view obv

everyone starts dying off from age 0