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Let your next career move come to you.

j17 wallow

one of my long term gentlemen is getting married this weekend. I haven't been invited. They are going on honeymoon for a fortnight afterwards so wont even get to talk to him during that time.

He always said that he would leave his partner when their children went to university. I am not naive enough to actually believe that he would have.

oh men, why are you so gorgeous and lovely?

he sounds really unlovely and a dick - he has lied to his wife to be for eons and has been lying to you and even if he HAD left her he would just have kept lying to you and shagged someone else and told them the same

he is the worst, phoebe, fook him only in the eye from now on

Have you ever seen When Harry Met Sally? This is Carrie Fisher's character all over "I don't think he's ever going to leave her!" 

Just cut off contact. What benefit is it having someone like this in your life?

Turn up at the wedding in a full wedding dress and mascara / tear stained cheeks holding a bunch of wilted flowers and a teddy bear with his name stitched on it 

"They are going on honeymoon for a fortnight afterwards so wont even get to talk to him during that time."

You slightly lost me with that line...  I mean, are you saying that, should he manage to sneak away for a bit, maybe while his missus is taking a bit of a rest cos she is knackered from all the honeymooning, and deign to call you, you would take his call, and generally feel better about all this???  And, when he gets back, are you planning to allow him to pick up where he left off?

If so, once you have finished the wedding destruction as designed by Wellerz, you really should take a moment - and a moment should be all that's necessary - to remind yourself not to give yourself away so cheaply. There is, quite literally, not a single thing that is "gorgeous and lovely" about this man, simple as that.

And you know when they say, "hotnow, WYUSA monumental P", and "hotnow, oh, do shut up", and "hotnow, come on little one, that medication won't take itself, you know", it's because of stuff like that.

you home wrecking scarlet woman!

.... is there now a vacancy? (asking for a friend) or will you formally be accepting the "mistress" role from here on? has he put you up in a flat? are you Christine Keeler reincarnated?

Being upset that your boyfriend hasn’t invited you to his wedding (if I’m interpreting this thread correctly) does seem slightly odd tbf. I mean how is that a fun day out for anyone

You think she's sane do you Cru?

there are of course men who convince themselves that they are in a 'relationship' with a prostitute of a mail order bride

these men are also crazy

but they tend to be older and sadder than I imagine phoebe to be (apols if I'm wrong, if you are 70 and boning a 27 yr old I will stand corrected)

I certainly don't think she's "insane" - last time I checked, unless it works for you somehow, committing yourself to someone who cannot / will not commit to you is deeply stupid, but no, not insane.

That being said, Feebs, if you are actually going to let this continue and effectively say to him "sweetie, you see that mat that you wiped your feet on earlier, I just wanted to confirm that I know you think I'm worth less than that mat, and that's cool, cos so do I!" , then much as it pains me to agree with anything that comes via hotnow, that does start to look just a smidge like actual madness.

clubbers - your wedding circle sounds decisively like the one portrayed in four weddings and a funeral (sozzles).

What mazza said and I suspect she knows as well 

all drama aside, clearly what we need now is to institute a Feebs Idol type competition to find Feebs someone decent

it could be like "Who do you think you are meets the Hunger Games"

Coffers already has purple hair and looks like Danny John Jules, he can present 

Whilst I am not a fan of the cut all contact model in theory, this digital detox has resulted in an enforced zero contact, zero social media, zero anything with my ex which has actually been really helpful I think. By the time I'm fully reunited with my phone in 2.5 weeks I should be sufficiently over it all that he does not even feature on my radar any more. He is already well on his way out.

If you can, block him. By all means, set a time frame for it and see how you feel at the end of it. Spoiler: you will probs feel much much better about all this.

why thank you sumo although it will probably be closer to "who do you think you are meets the Countdown* " 

depressingly low brow 

 

* - I take pride in completing the sudokus and crossword in the 35 min train ride back after work

I’m not sure I understand what’s going on. What is a long term gentleman? Is the an English phrase? Is it an affair? They’ve got kids who are uni age but just getting around to being married now? Even if he wasn’t going on honeymoon and you got the chance to talk with him I can’t see how the conversation would go. 

I'm sitting at my desk laughing at the thought of Feebs sitting at a table at the reception in her wedding dress with her teddy bear sobbing loudly through the speeches before launching herself at the best man to make the groom jealous.

They’ve got kids who are uni age but just getting around to being married now?

 This confused me as well - I think what’s meant is that he had previously told her that he would leave his long-term partner when their kids reached University age. Inconsiderately, he has instead married his long-term partner.

oh I could definitely bang the best man. He is not a fan of his wife, and will 100% be sending her and the kids back the hotel room pretty early on in the evening.

 

But I wouldn't bang, we would just stay up late drinking

oh Pheobs…

For fvcks actual sake.

I get that life and love is complex and god knows none of us are perfect or in perfect relationships. And there are all sorts of models for relationships and I get that. But seriously girl.  Cut this fvcking cancer of a person out of your life and find someone who deserves you.

"oh I could definitely bang the best man. He is not a fan of his wife, and will 100% be sending her and the kids back the hotel room pretty early on in the evening."

 

this makes less and less sense. The best man is not a fan of his own wife? Or of the bride? 
 

anyway you must be chronically depressed to allow yourself to be treated like this. In retrospect I was when I briefly continued banging an ex who dumped me for someone else. I stopped fooking him long before he got married to her tho 

I defo advocate the Cut All Contact Method. Some people go on and on about how much discipline it takes but it really doesn't. Once you focus on the fact he was an evil tw**t rather than how sad you feel, it's easy and every day gets easier. Did it for an Evil Ex and similarly recently got a good friend to do it for her Equally as Evil Ex. Eventually they'll either drop off your radar so much you forget why you were even bovved by their existence and/ or contact you to find out why you've not been bovved. Either way, you have the upper hand and can Move On, which is the most important thing so you can meet Someone Good.

The other Getting Over methods that go had in had with it are deleting all social media connections, deleting all pics, delating all texts, whats apps, phone numbers, emails etc etc AKA the No Wallowing Method.

Ps Coffers I dont know what you meant above but I have no knowledge of any of the plus ones etc on this!!

Linda - its pretty clear she means the best man is not a fan of his wife and will be sending her off to bed with their kids so he can get sh1t faced and look for some sort of validation with someone else. 

He will probably achieve this by getting drunk to the point where his wife has a go at him and he can call her a party pooper and suggest she just fvcks off to bed if she isn't going to enjoy herself.

It sounds like he is the type who wouldn't actually shag someone else. He just wants to get to the stage where he is pretty sure they would be up for shagging him if he was willing before taking an entirely artificial moral high ground and crawling back up to bed with his wife hoping she is asleep.

 

heh at Donny. that sounds very, erm, precise.

and heh at escaped.  yes it would have saved him a fortune.  he finally split up from the gf/mistress/gf and married somebody else and is indeed all blissful

Heh at the "oh sweetie you deserve so much better" chorus. Maybe in an alternate universe where you hadn't chosen to fook a more-or-less married man who has kids.

I don't understand the fascination with not judging people for bad behaviour 

everybody always judges everyone and for far more trivial stuff than serial adultery

its the wokerati who are always saying 'freedom of X doesn't mean freedom from consequences'

she a ho and gets treated like one

As I said above, it makes him a aunt but it also makes her a aunt. They're both aunts and therefore deserve each other. By definition, she knows he's a faithless liar so why on earth him behaving like an unfaithful liar surprises her, it's hard to say.

* in squeaky voice *

Anna - I admire your willingness to stick by your friend. And in answer to your question, he is being a massive twunt. Indeed, everyone involved is being a twunt. With the exception of the bride to be.  And the even more glaring exception of the children. So just Phoebe and her gentleman being twunts, really.

Also, pondering Phoebe's expectation of receiving an invitation to the wedding. The only way this would not strike me as Glen Close level fantasy would be if this gentleman (and, presumably, his wife to be) were in Phoebe's social circle and they were all close enough friends that she would *in normal circumstances* legitimately expect to be on the invite list. In which case, the twuntery is reaching epic proportions.

Or maybe I'm just a prude.

I am baffled by these scenarios. Have a RL girlfriend going through similar with a guy at the moment. She is hoping they will have a baby together next year as “he will have left his wife” by then. Why do that to yourself? It seems a peculiar form of masochism to me. 
 

ofc the real sucker in all of this is the new wife. Poor thing. 

Tbf one roffer formerly of this parish had the bird he was shagging in the front row of his wedding ceremony.

That said, surely u can find unencumbered chaps to bloz 

I understand where phoebes coming from shes single and in her 30s now, all the semi attractivr men have married by this age and thus leaves phoebe with the only option, shagging them behind their wives backs 

Cut this fvcking cancer of a person out of your life and find someone who deserves you.

 

Sounds quuiiiite a lot like they deserve each other tbf.  The wife probably doesn't deserve them though.

 

Tbf one roffer formerly of this parish had the bird he was shagging in the front row of his wedding ceremony.

Fvvvvvvvck. I know it's cool to amoral these days, and totes hilarious for the groom and his girlfriend to be complicit in the bride's humiliation, but what a shitty thing to do. 

 

The only difference between the facts in the OP and an episode of the Jeremy Kyle Show is the OP and "her gentleman"(wtf) presumably have more teeth and money. 

This stuff has happened since the dawn of time and will always happen and love how outraged people get about it.  It's quite possible you've all been to a wedding where something similar was happening without knowing it.  Reminds of me trekking out east to a friend's wedding where she was marrying a man who'd jilted his previous fiancee shortly before the wedding and waiting to see if I got phone call on the way to say I could turn round and go back home because it was all off.

you're on the wedding roller coaster, you're not sure anyway, you start shagging a friend, probably out of angst, you don't know how to stop it, you hope it will all resolve itself, you stick your head in the sand.  the next thing you know you're married , divorced and down 97% of your net worth and feeling a bit guilty.

 

(not me for the avoidance of doubt)

 

you're on the wedding roller coaster, you're not sure anyway, you start shagging a friend, probably out of angst, you don't know how to stop it, you hope it will all resolve itself, you stick your head in the sand

People who do this are contemptible fannies.

If you can't grow a pair and call off your wedding beforehand, you deserve to lose most of your net worth in the inevitable divorce.

When you read it back, it’s not a great testament to one’s character is it clubbers? 

(I know it’s not you but jeezus - what sizz said. I’d really struggle to attend the wedding of someone where I knew this was going on. Wtf is the actual point?) 

So Linda the people calling the various parties utter twunts are not at all outraged?  Or are they just a little dismayed?  Or perhaps they are just disappointed?

Whatever they are I suspect they've been duped by friends who've done something similar at some point.

SummerSails13 Feb 20 15:14

Reminds of me trekking out east to a friend's wedding where she was marrying a man who'd jilted his previous fiancee shortly before the wedding and waiting to see if I got phone call on the way to say I could turn round and go back home because it was all off.

 

And tell us, Sails - did you make it to Tower Hamlets that day?

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