Loos rated 60% and under in the Firm of the Year 2019 survey punished their users, and now it's time for the victims to punish you with sickening tales of their toilet trips.
At the top of the bowl with 60%, "the sinks consistently leak" at RPC, said a junior solicitor (F), "meaning it is nigh on impossible to leave without a water stain on your dress". Also, "the lighting is so bad when doing your makeup there is a risk you will come out looking like you're in TOWIE". On the plus side, said a colleague, it introduced free sanitary products. "A great idea."
Bobbing along on 59% was DAC Beachcroft, where "the occasional tiger striper is let loose" in the men's loos. While at Eversheds Sutherland a "frighteningly small number of traps" meant the post-coffee 09:30 rush "can often lead to a Grand Tour of the office shitters".
He didn't make it.
"If they're clean, it's all ok", said a junior solicitor (M) at Squire Patton Boggs. "If my colleague crimps out his legendary Bismarck-sized turd", however, it was not. Around 10am, said a peer, "prepare to equip yourself with a respirator". Some people "must have serious health issues as the thunderous noises coming out of those cubicles are otherworldly". "Thankfully", said a third employee, "the cleaners are brave souls who manage to limit the damage".
Responses revealed that people blamed people for poor loo experiences at least as much as the amenities themselves. "For an office full of supposedly decent human beings", said a Simmons & Simmons NQ, "the loos always have smeared pans. For heaven's sake someone teach the people here how to use the brushes provided!"
Plumbing issues at Blake Morgan meant the office "frequently smells of drains" which, said a lawyer (F), the office manager "has attempted to pass off as 'ammonia'". But it was the poor loo etiquette which really earned it 55%. "Every now and again there is an email sent to the entire office by a particularly senior partner complaining to the fellas in the office regarding a particularly horrific log", said a colleague. "Whoever this gent is...they are his nemesis".
Shoosmiths management was also on the case, according to a senior solicitor (F). "Some (expertly laminated) signs have recently been affixed above each sink to remind each of us (and our clients) to wash our respective filthy hands after baking a stinky potato", she revealed.
From the Golden Turd's London office, an Ince Gordon Dadd staffer (F) offered up a laundry list of complaints. "Aldgate Tower does not do a good job with the loos", she said.
- "They never feel clean despite the fact that there always seems to be a cleaner in there talking on her phone."
- "The air freshener just smells like someone has splattered an overripe orange."
- "There was also briefly a weird problem with the water in the sinks - we were all sent an email telling us not to use it because it was coming out 'brown and fizzy'."
BCLP staff knew the score (47%). "The firm has clearly decided there will be no further expenditure on the building given we're due to move offices at the end of this year", said a junior lawyer (M).
At some firms, respondents did blame the plumbing. "It's now pretty clear it's the drainage and not the depositor", said a senior solicitor (M) at Baker McKenzie. "I personally litmus tested this by carefully curating and strictly following a diet of leafy green veg and mixed roughage during Veganuary this year and 12/16 of the work poos to date required the double flush. That's a staggering 75%! Disgraceful". Also, "one of the cubicles was constantly locked for 3 weeks", said a non-fee-earner. "We weren't sure if somebody had died in there or was just working on a particularly tricky drafting assignment".
More prosaic problems beset BLM, languishing on 43%. "There is a monster", said an NQ, "who reliably fills Trap 2 with yards of arse wipe by 9.30, thereby rendering it unusable for the rest of the day".
Ashurst was voted worst for loos. Like BCLP, the firm was moving premises. Result: "the current landlord clearly no longer gives a crap". Nosediving loo maintenance meant the firm chalked up an asshurting 38%. "Thank goodness we're moving soon", said an employee.