Just so good ole fashioned mansplaining advice

A barrister has slammed a lawyer for sending her an "unsolicited letter" on LinkedIn giving her advice on how to find a husband, which included telling her to develop some cooking skills. 

Alexandra Wilson, a family law barrister at 4PB, posted a tweet sharing the "personalised letter" from the lawyer.  "The whole tone is patronising but also misogynistic, homophobic and unsolicited" said Wilson of the letter. She added that it was "weird" and "slightly scary how much time appears to have gone into this."

The three page letter from a lawyer (whose name appears to have been redacted by Wilson) starts off by addressing the female barrister by name, and extolling the virtues of marriage as an institution which "still remains the best and most stable unit in which to bring up children and build an enjoyable and emotionally stable setting for living out our lives."

Channelling Alan Partridge, the lawyer says that he has "no counsel" for same sex relationship couples such as "Adam and Steve" or "Eve and Evette". But, "for those interested in a conventional...heterosexual relationship," he suggests that women in their mid to late 20s should "be painfully careful to lookout" for a man. Beyond that age bracket, "the pool of eligible single young men diminishes the older a woman becomes," the silver tongue charmer advises.

Women should search for a man who "would not be threatened" by their professional accomplishments, the lawyer opines. "If you are a person of faith," he says, "it is important to commit the search process for a suitable candidate to prayer." He offers another tip: "Don't permit your search to be constrained by race and don't be dismissive of Africans either, because the right person may come in a 'package' you don't envisage."

The letter goes on to state: "For a young black woman who is professionally accomplished, I would say look carefully at the background of a guy before you go further...Can he be supportive of you and your struggles (whatever they may be, we call them "your drama" on this side)?" 

The lawyer also instructs Wilson to "develop some cooking watching a few youtube videos" and mastering a few dishes. "A loving spouse will always appreciate this 'hidden talent'," states the letter. "It makes for a richer family life!"

The lawyer warns against those who do not heed his advice: "I have seen a number of our girls who have put their career ahead of marriage and family life as 'career-minded' women. It does NOT end well". Marriage "will serve you well now and in old age, when all career is ended and the physical beauty and youth are long gone," he says.

He also rails against "the feminist advocates" who campaign "against the traditional family life/marriage" arguing that they "are nowhere to be seen" when emotional instability, mental health issues and loneliness take hold in later years.

Imparting further pearls of wisdom, he says: "A career pursuit should be in addition to the richness that a loving family brings, not at its expense." 

The lawyer signs off his missive by saying: "This is the life I have lived for decades and I can confidently say it is well worth it." He adds: "Please do not take offence at this write up"(too late for the intended recipient).

The full letter can be seen in Wilson's tweet here.

It is not the first time an attempt by a lawyer at a meaningful connection on LinkedIn has gone awry. 

Wilson was previously in the news when she complained about being mistaken for a defendant in court, three times in one day.

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Tip Off ROF


Spam marriage 05 May 23 08:24

It's linkedin InMail. Hardly the invasive and "personalised" affront it is being made to be. Weirdos will shout, hold placards, print newsletters, place billboards and adverts to share their weirdness. I'm not sure why she is shocked it would happen on Linkedin, which is no better than Facebook these days.

If you agree with his views you have gained new insight. I'd you don't agree you can have a good laugh, be glad you aren't married to him and move on.

Robertius 05 May 23 08:42

It’s a bit weird putting this stuff out there unsolicited. 

The actual content while a bit old fashioned is reasonably accurate.  It’s true for men and women that as you get older the marriage pool declines in size and quality.  It’s true that a career in law is quite demanding - and that retirement for a single career professional - male or female - might be rather dull and lonely.  Being able to cook some dishes is attractive to men and women and is obviously useful in married life.   

I don’t sense it’s a malicious inmail - he thinks he’s got something to impart and he’s imparting it.  

Grobb 05 May 23 09:41


Other ways of importation are available, you know. It doesn’t have to be a three-page-long unsolicited manifesto/rant telling somebody how to live her life. 

Anonymous 05 May 23 10:03

He thinks he's got something to impart but actually it's the same old misogynistic drivel he's imparting, nothing new about any of this.  Find a man because your looks will decline and learn to cook for him.  If you're lucky he'll put up with you having a career in addition to his children.

I bet he isn't writing to young men telling them that all the eligible women will be gone the older they get, because he only links the value of women to youth and beauty, because he doesn't see women as equal to men.

Tale as old as time

V 05 May 23 10:10

You don’t use a professional medium to tell a woman how to conduct her personal life, and I’m a little disappointed* that there are men here who think it’s fine. 

*horrified. You’re creepy, lads. Creepy 

Anonymous 05 May 23 10:46

"I bet he isn't writing to young men telling them that all the eligible women will be gone the older they get"

... because they won't. 


Inconvenient as it is for contemporary progressivism, biology is a real and immutable thing. Young women happily throw themselves at older men (who have achieved professional success and aren't totally out of shape) in a way that younger men don't throw themselves at older women.

It's not fair. I'm not saying it because I think it's a good thing. But there's a real and undeniable biological reason for that phenomena occurring, and it can't just be wished away. No matter how many sociology degrees you wave at it.

But it's the truth. Single men in their late 30's through to their early 50's have a far larger pool of willing dates to pick from than women in the same bracket. 

So no, people don't write to young men saying that up is down and black is white. Because their eligible options aren't going to start falling away for several decades.

Anonymous 05 May 23 10:52

"It’s a bit weird putting this stuff out there unsolicited."

I'm not sure I take that totally at face value to be honest.

This was on LinkedIn, so I think it's probably fair to imagine that he sent this missive in reaction to something that the author had said or posted there.

Fair enough that she hadn't directly solicited him for advice, but I think it's slightly (and only slightly) unfair to imagine that this was a totally unprompted communication from the guy. Odd though it was.

Shout into the Linkedin void and the void sometimes shout back and all that.

Anonymous 05 May 23 10:53

"You don’t use a professional medium to tell a woman how to conduct her personal life"

Will women also stop using those professional mediums to tell us all about how they conduct their personal lives.


Or is this a one-way street kind of deal?

Anonymous 05 May 23 11:04

@Anonymous 10:46 I don't think your credentials in biology are as sharp as you think they are.  You sound like a misogynist too, but one convinced you're far more intelligent than you really are.

Offred 05 May 23 11:11

What a surprise. Random man telling woman what to do ... and guess what, it involves serving men and keeping them happy. Know your place, women!

If you're lucky enough to bag this prized gammon for a husband, be aware your days are numbered once your "youth and beauty" fades. Makes a career and financial independence rather an attractive option, so I suppose the good thing about his misogynistic missive is that it will have the unintended opposite effect. 

De Muur 05 May 23 11:15

In this thread: 
People point out there is likely either more to this story, or alternatively, it is not newsworthy. 

Feminist types proceed to call everyone incels, creepy, and misogynists. 


Anonymous 05 May 23 11:16

"I don't think your credentials in biology are as sharp as you think they are.  You sound like a misogynist too"

Yes yes, of course, anyone pointing out a stark reality of human behaviour, which you can easily observe around you, and which has endured since roughly the dawn of recorded time is a "misogynist".

I can't be pointing out an inconvenient truth because it's true. That would be crazy.

So I must be doing it because I hate women. If I didn't then I'd bury my head in the sand and imagine that utopia is just around the corner. Just one more hashtag campaign on Twitter will do it. #Imwithher.


Like I say, I'm not saying it's fair, and I know that it's really inconvenient for a number of popular dogmas. But them's the breaks. Male and female dating options don't decline at the same rate and at the same time. From a dating perspective, and talking in averages, men don't need to worry about aging in the same way as women do.

Stamping your feet and calling me names won't change it.

Anonymous 05 May 23 11:33

Do you want to know another stark reality about the dating scene?  Men find women less attractive the more educated they are.  What's the biological reason for that?  Men on average like women young and poorly educated, but it ain't biology pal.  It's society and misogyny. 

And a man choosing to write about this fact to a well educated young woman that he does not know?  Yes, more misogyny.

I know that is an inconvenient truth for you, but them's the breaks.

A 05 May 23 11:40

He’s right though. You may not like it, it may not be fair, but he’s right.

I wonder why he sent her the LinkedIn message.  For that matter, why is she broadcasting that all around the world?

Anonymous 05 May 23 11:50

Wasn't this the type of stuff Proudman was on about years ago. Little seems to have changed.

Anonymous 05 May 23 11:54

Right about what?  He's right that she should learn to cook to find a partner?  He doesn't even know if she is straight.  He doesn't know if she has a partner.

Why shouldn't she broadcast this sexist, racist, homophobic nonsense?  She had the good grace not to broadcast his name because unlike him she has some class.

Anonymous 05 May 23 12:05

"I wonder why he sent her the LinkedIn message.  For that matter, why is she broadcasting that all around the world?"

Hang on. You don't think that she's a narcisistic attention seeker who has gone out of her way to seek attention and is now complaining about the attention that she has attracted as a direct result of those endeavours, do you?

Anonymous 05 May 23 12:19

"Do you want to know another stark reality about the dating scene?  Men find women less attractive the more educated they are."

Is that a reality though?

Or is it just something that professionally successful, but perennially single, white women tell themselves in London and New York as a way of soothing the cognitive dissonance that they feel when they try to reconcile the fact that their individual commitment to their careers, which has consumed their 20's and 30's, has left them alone and without any real sense of happiness and fulfilment? Something which they recognise might be reversed if they could find a long-term partner to spend their life with (and maybe even have kids with) but who they struggle to attract and retain, no matter how much education and money they might have to throw at the issue.

Obviously I'm happy to see the data that you think you're relying on here.

But I think you might be falling into the trap of taking a cohort's somewhat self-serving assessment of their problem at face value, rather than really digging into the reason that professionally successful women in their late 30's struggle to find partners they are interested in dating.



Spoiler: It's because they're competing for a very small pool of attractive, successful, single men; and their competitors are equally well educated women, but a decade younger, without the baggage of their own 12 hour working days, and without a tendency to announce how intimidating they are sure their own intellects are.

Anonymous 05 May 23 12:22

Also, starter for ten:

If a single man of your acquiantence announced that he was struggling to find dates because all of the women he met were so intimidated by his vast intelligence that he just couldn't get them back for a second date, would you:

A. Believe him, and ascribe his dating woes to the fact that he was just too smart for women to bear.

B. Suspect that he was an egotistical blowhard who probably loved the sound of his own voice and would be a dreadful date for anyone, irrespective of their intelligence.



Now do the same thought experiment with a woman.

Anonymous 05 May 23 12:53

"Is that a reality though?"

Yes, it is.  The rest you've written says a lot more about you than the women you think you're describing, and doesn't merit more of a response than that.

Horrified anon 05 May 23 12:54

This comment section is vile.  No one should have to put up with unsolicited advice being given to them through a professional medium. About anything, let alone about their personal life, which an outsider will have basically no knowledge about. 

Anyone here trying to justify his actions by saying "it's not malicious" or "what he is saying is true" really needs to take a good hard look in the mirror. 

But them's the breaks... 

Anon 05 May 23 13:31

Just to add to Anonymous at 1046 (who I completely agree with), the flip side of that dynamic is f that the dating dynamics in ones 40s - where the men have a lot of choice and women struggle is just the mirror image of the dating world in one’s 20s - where women have all the choice and the men have to struggle. Nature is nothing if not fair. 

But psychologically it’s harder on women - to have to give up something they had and reset their expectations lower. It,s like growing up rich and then being forced to live poor - much harder than just being poor throughout. Men have it easier psychologically because the curve goes up not down..

Anonymous 05 May 23 14:11

It's kinda Zen- if you think that you're qualified to advise the opposite sex on what they should be going for in their love life via LinkedIn post (or, judging from the above, ROF comments), that's the surest sign that you're not remotely qualified at all.

Robertius 05 May 23 14:25

Some weird stuff appearing here.  

“the more educated a women the less attractive she is to men” - that’s simply not true in the West - and certainly not the UK.  Your typical male law firm partner marries a woman from an educated background - if it’s a guy and he marries his secretary or a flight attendant it’s ok - it’s not illegal - but it’s definitely not prestigious.  There is this phenomenon of the married professional couple.  

your comments are completely out of kilter with reality.  

(Though it is possible to be a professional man or woman and not find a partner - often by over dedication to work - letting the body and often the mind “go” - simply not putting the effort in or being realistic about what one might achieve - or being not very charming / unlucky.)


Anonymous 05 May 23 14:58

"Is that a reality though?"

Yes, it is. 


There's no evidence for it, but it is a scientific fact.

Anonymous 05 May 23 15:21

I don't understand why your anecdata is relevant Robertius, and it doesn't refute what I've read at all, but it does bring up another important point about the West.  Age gaps in relationships with older men are smaller in societies where men and women are more equal.  If men being attracted to younger women was a purely biological matter then that would not be true.  There must be societal factors at play, and yes, they are misogynistic.  As was this letter.

I'll add an anecdote of my own: I found dating in my mid 30s much easier than in my late teens / early twenties.  Maybe the older men who seek younger women filtering themselves out is not such a bad thing for older women after all!

Anonymous 05 May 23 16:40

"Age gaps in relationships with older men are smaller in societies where men and women are more equal. If men being attracted to younger women was a purely biological matter then that would not be true"

That doesn't follow though, does it?

The idea that societies in which women have higher levels of economic empowerment might produce an environment in which men are less able to procure partners that meet their ideal specification shouldn't really come as a surprise. Should it?

Trying to take that outcome - men less able to get what men ideally prefer when men have lower levels of power relative to women - to mean that men don't actually have that set of preferences at all, doesn't really work.

It's like saying that societies with low availability of firewood have, on average, colder houses. Therefore human beings like their houses to be freezing all the time and it's just the Patriarchy making people put the fire on at all.

If you really did want to get an accurate picture of what men wanted, wouldn't it make most sense to look at the outcomes in societies where men had overwhelming power to dictate those outcomes? i.e. the really unequal ones, where men got what men wanted.

Surely the last thing that you'd do is pick societies in which women had a lot of power, and then try to say that those women using that power to get more of what they wanted was somehow an illustration of what men wanted. It'd be an illustration of the exact opposite.




Also, for a more wide ranging set of studies for anyone who thinks this is interesting:

Proud Boys 05 May 23 17:54

Charlotte Proudman gave barristers a masterclass in scaring Solicitors away from instructing her on anything lest she misconstrue anything they say like "Morning, Charlotte - you're looking well",  and then have it plastered all over Twitter that you're a misogynistic pig who leers at women lasciviously. Sorry, Charlotte but it's too much of a risk. You see everything through darkened glasses.

Anonymous 05 May 23 21:02

To be fair I am in my early forties and all of the single people I know are men. Every woman I know is in a relationship. I think this idea of “the scarcity of available men in their thirties and forties” is a self serving one. If professional women are struggling to find a partner in their thirties I am going to guess it’s because they are working more hours than their male equivalents in order to be seen as “equal”. 

Also - women can have children into their late forties and fifties, it’s rare but it happens and men also have a biological clock. Their sperm declines in quality as they age too. Those men looking at Mick Jagger and thinking they can father kids in their eighties need a reality check. 

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