In a heartbreaking gambit to drum up business, an East Midlands firm has written about a family's unpleasant encounter with some poorly-cooked chicken.
Nelsons Solicitors' article, Clifton Mum Claiming Compensation Over Undercooked Chicken Upset, burrows deep - way deep, deeper than any firm has ever burrowed before - into how two people got the runs from a chicken wing with a yellow blister on it.
|"Oh boy, your whole life you work and you slave and scrimp and you steal just enough to get a sweet, sweet lick of that scabby chicken. Where’s Nelsons' lick, doesn’t old Nelsons get a lick?"|
It is tasteless for firms to leverage a tragedy to flog their services, but this is not that. The only victims of this disaster were a woman, her grandad and their toilet. Vegans would argue that the feathery little clucker who turned them into a pair of burst bum gravy hydrants was also a victim, but she had her revenge.
Nelsons successfully shopped its sad story to local newspapers who reproduced it in full because it is free content. And now RollOnFriday will do the same, because RollOnFriday will always publicise a bird-based prayer-advert as over-extended as this.
Nelsons could have gone with RAW HEN ARSE EXPLOSION. Or UPSET TUM MUM SUES FOR FAULTY POULTRY POOS. Or CHICKENSHIT FAMILY HORROR. It didn't.
Chuck in the detail that Nelsons is fighting this travesty and that single paragraph is all that needs to be said on the matter. Or not.
Heron Foods advertises its products as "top quality - lowest prices". There is an argument that anyone purchasing bargain basement meat should expect a 50/50 chance of dinner ending up with the table overturned, the air hazy with gas, the walls spackled with chicken and the guests trying to smash the windows with chairs as their orifices violently expel top quality - lowest price food. Those odds are fair. A company charging 20p for 5kg of chicken shouldn't have to be diligent about checking the oven.
Three days until they could finish that packet of chicken wings. The torture. Sitting right there.
...yes, other sufferers must get in touch with Nelsons to provide "vital witness evidence". Ideally come with a pic of your gran barfing up a thigh. And, while you're here, have you...considered making a claim using Nelsons? We're the UK's premier undercooked chicken claims firm!
|"You found a nipple on your rasher? Oh boy, Nelsons is moving up to the big time!"|
Don't lay it on too thick, they'll think you're exager-
Yes, Nelsons reveals that auntie was tasked with bringing lunch and picked the outrageously cheap option. And then "didn't fancy any" herself. Too right she didn't. She knew it was 85p from the orange sticker shelf. Good enough for dad and her niece, though. She was full anyway, scarfed down a Waitrose sandwich in the car before she came in. Then, after being informed that the chicken was covered in YELLOW BLISTERS, grandad "said his tasted fine" and polished off the rest. Of course he did. He's seen much worse, once ate a dog with the plague. Mild headache, that was it. Young people don't know they're born. In his day, you'd be lucky if you got any chicken with your dinner blister. In fact a blistery chicken was a luxury. He worked for a year to buy a blistery chicken for his wedding day. No-one had seen a chicken before. They ate it raw. Took bites out of it as it ran around the church. The vicar asked to keep the skeleton.
Yes. He probably would have shat a lung. God, think of the compensation if he had. If only he'd eaten some of that bad chicken. I mean, "thank goodness he didn't have any of the chicken".
Bent double by a Turkey Drummer? Barking poison in the street thanks to a rancid pork loin? Go on, give old Nelsons a lick, won't you?