Oh also I THINK she might have similar beef with one other attendee but I obviously don't want to say "hey is Tiffany being weird with you too?" in case the answer is "no wot ru talking about"

2 years ago they went cold? 

So about the time you started anti-vaccing? 

That would explain it. Apologise to them and move on

So option 1 but don't pretend, confront, deal and move on 

Sigh. 

But yeah pretending is absurd. 

To the best of your recollection, did you sleep with her husband/boyfriend ?

In any case, do what Davos suggests.

Go, ask her, make peace

it is POSSIBLE it is husband-related in that I don't think he likes me very much and if he said as much I am certain she would cut me out 

hm ask in person, rog? punchy stuff

Don't go. Explain why. Put an advert in the Times and write to your MP. Instruct lawyers to sue her. Go postal. Do a Michael Douglas in Falling Down. 

Alternatively, chill out and go for option 1. 

Soz but yeah confront and say sorry ( even if you don’t know in advance she will likely tell you if you apologise first)

the likelihood is that you value the group over any concerns you might have about the “cost” of randomly apologising 

soz

heh 

"my constituent wishes to convey the message "wtf is yr problem btw?" on House of Commons notepaper

There is something oddly tragic about a you g girl in scotland being called Tiffany.

it's a bit cinderella growing up in hard up hall

Go, and out-"mean girl" her. You know you have succeeded if she runs to the toilet crying because of a remark you made.

I have no problem with apologising - everyone can put their foot in it now and then. I fear that the fact she just went cold rather than saying what the issue was suggests she has put me in the psychological friendship bin already, though. If she valued me in her life she would have surely expressed annoyance.

heh @ PP

the possibility of an unspoken snarkfest that only she and I know is happening had crossed my mind

"Stop trying to make 'fetch' happen!"

Tiffany was a very popular musical artist back in the day

Are you the Debbie Gibson to her Tiffany?

unsure

On a similar, but not really, topic: in Yorkshire is it t't'pau?

I have a very similar situation that I might have mentioned before.  About 7 years ago one friend just stopped responding to anything I sent him including an invitation to my 40th.  I know he's done the same thing to several other people I know and none of us has had an explanation.  He's still friends with other people I know and if they pop up on Facebook he'll interact but ignore any contribution from me.  Next year we have the 20th anniversary of why we all know each other and someone is organising a reunion so I'll go along so that after a few beers I can ask "wtf is the deal with just suddenly blanking someone you'd been good friends with for over a decade without any kind of explanation?"

Lez off?

see, I hate gendered analysis of behaviours but I do think in general this is one thing guys often do better

I want to say to her "what the fook is happening here" and be fully prepped for her saying "you giant dick you did xyz" and me to say "fook sorry" and maybe she'd punch me or whatever but then it would be fine

instead it will just be simmering awkwardness and honestly I think she's sufficiently central to the group that I will effectively be managed out

being alive is a bloody nightmare of awkwardness, roll on the grave

(lawbla should have used that as their breakaway name imo)

tbh it’s probably what davos said

is she vaccinated and does she know you’re not?

i’ve managed out friends from friend groups for not being vaxxed - just not worth it to hang out with them any more

Yes I'd just like to know what it is that I did or didn't do which warranted just sudden silence.   Hard to apologise when you don't know what you should be apologising for.

I know, right. Just bloody say.

"see, I hate gendered analysis of behaviours but I do think in general this is one thing guys often do better

I want to say to her "what the fook is happening here" and be fully prepped for her saying "you giant dick you did xyz" and me to say "fook sorry" and maybe she'd punch me or whatever but then it would be fine

instead it will just be simmering awkwardness and honestly I think she's sufficiently central to the group that I will effectively be managed out"

V true re difference between men and women. Nothing really changes after about year 6 of primary school on this front.

is there an intermediary you can tap up for inside goss? 

Hey Amber, d'y'know what's umm, like Tiffany's problem and stuff?  

I mean men can be psychotic little bitches obviously

I would just prefer to be upfront but I know that's not palatable among the tribe

The others are very much tier 2 friends (i.e. i like them a lot but they're for catch-ups rather than current life). So i think it would make them uncomfortable to be drawn into it. Plus it won't help really I already know she's pissed off it's just unspoken between us.

I've asked mutual friends to make enquiries on my behalf but haven't  had any feedback.  I've also being trying to work out the common thread that likes those of us who've been ditched and haven't found one.  He left a job he'd been in for years and had a bit of a breakdown/mid-life crisis and I suspect it's as simple as I wasn't in touch enough at that point.

Be warm, be forgiving and let bygones be bygones. You seemed to be in a bad place 2 years ago Clergs. Not sure how much that spilled over into real life but maybe if you show up masked up it’ll allay their fears about you being radicalised?

*I* was not in a bad place, you lot fcking were (oh no the vuvu hide!)

I mean she was happy enough to socialise with me during lockdown/maskless so it feels unlikely it was suddenly covid related but who knows

my forgiveness isn't the problem tho

I value her friendship and would happily just never speak of it again and go back to normal but don't think that is on the cards

People went weird during Covid. Also since then people have been mahoosively polarised on all sorts of issues, vax, gender, anything, and have just opted to cancel anyone who doesnt agree instead of still being friends with differences.  Could be her, or could be her husband is the one with the issue and he has persuaded her to cancel you.  I'd still go for your other friends.  

yeah you're right tf

I had hoped she might sort of come around in the post period but I guess if someone just isn't in your life there is no need to

I definitely don't want to lose touch with the others so you're probably right

really annoying though!

Is it possible that she became aware of any of your (erstwhile?) views on the Russian genocidal war with Ukraine?

she has known me for over two decades

my view that we should keep our heads down since fookin Merkel was happy enough to for her entire reign is not novel or surprising

People drift apart over time, could be marriage, kids, distance etc. No particular ill will involved, it just happens. And you meet new friends. Then you might meet up with old friends years later and that's great, but things move.

a Ukrainian guy called me a "fcking whore" as I was strolling in a park a couple of weeks ago and I thought of u threep

#heroes

(his beef was that I did not have a light)

that is v true, chambers, v true

I think there is ill will in this case but stuff DOES change and you gotta just swim or drown, like the shark

Lightless whore. 

my view that we should keep our heads down since fookin Merkel was happy enough to for her entire reign is not novel or surprising

Can you think of anything that's happened since Merkel left that might change one's views on that?

he had the most revolting brown roll-up

shudder

the annexation of Crimea happened on merkel's watch

"oh no but that's different!"

Anyway I don't want an argument about Ukraine here, but that is genuinely something that people could reasonably consider an unsolvable ethical personality malfunction in the way that your covid views are not so maybe that's it.  Although obvs it didn't start 2 years ago

you are really weird about Ukraine, dude

An unpleasant situation to which currently you have no answers. My suggestion would be to lean in to the problem rather than continue this purgatory state. Why not attend, calmly ask if you can get her a drink (we lure the wolf with the hen) then ask her if everything is OK as she seems a little frosty. From this point you have done all that you can and critically do not do more. Golda meir was quite right when she said you cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.

that is a good line, I shall note it for future use

The way Person A acts towards Person B is (usually) 90% to do with Person A.  If you honestly can't think of anything you've said/done for her to turn cold then I'd go along to the event, be myself and have a good time.  If she's off with you and won't say why or try to fix it then that's her problem.  I'd also try asking a third party in case they know what's up. 

true, kimmy, this has crossed my mind. I think she is genuinely annoyed WITH me but it might be transference of stress from other parts of her life

she went cold on a mutual friends a couple of years earlier and I asked if she had seen the person lately and she replied "no!" in a scoffing "as if" tone and I just left it but now wish I'd asked more because perhaps we both did the same faux pas!

What Davos said tbh, it's obviously the anti vax thing and now she thinks you have a screw loose.

Why would she ever say anything if you don't ask her.

If you bring it up in a non-confrontational way she'd probably tell you. But no real reason to otherwise.

She probably thinks you don't really value the friendship that much anyway as you don't seem to have noticed you are drifting apart - you've never said anything.

Is this drifting apart though or a real issue that's come up but you've both managed it badly? If you don't value her friendship, then whatever, but it sounds like you do.

Bite the bullet and message her and say, sth like, 'hey we haven't had a proper catch up in a while etc let's meet up before (London thing)'. Insert some anodyne stuff about missing her and asking how she's doing. It's massively cringe because most British peeps are a bit emotionally challenged but again, if you value her friendship then make the effort.

Anyway, you should go, obviously. Becoming a hermit is not the answer to a few people going off you because you're an antivaxxer.

(I've just had a similar thing with one of my best friends. We currently live on opposite sides of the world and are completely different in terms of personality. It drifted for about 8 mths but I messaged her recently about it and we had a very emosh call -- it really was a misunderstanding based, as ever, on our different communication styles and personalities. But it would have been horrible if one of us had died during those 8 months and the surviving person had been like, "wtf happened there??" Not vaccination related.)

Just message her, u freak.

If she's off with you and won't say why or try to fix it then that's her problem. 

Some pple are turbo anxious abt confrontation (like my friend). Whereas I'm like the Confrontation Shinkansen, so if I hadn't brought it up, it might have drifted for even longer.

Give her a Glasgow Kiss! 

More seriously she could be Team Data as opposed to Team Sane. Or she could be Team Chill as opposed to Team Anna!

Lost a good friend who just dropped off from things- think that was because he was unemployed/ low paid jobs since dropping out of uni so think that brought him down.

I have messaged my friend but the cold shoulder treatment appears to extend to also not explaining why I'm being cold shouldered.  All my attempts at communication have just been met with absolute silence.

I hope that however the conversation transpires, it passes the Bechdel test.

Sails, you can only extend that the bread stick of reconciliation. It's up to them whether they take a bite.  (If they don't, they might just not be ready, or they haven't really thought through why they've reacted in a certain way to you. Or whatever. But at least you had a go.)

Don’t take this the wrong way or nothing but you did go completely and utterly doo-lally during covid. 

Spurius - would you seriously stop speaking to someone because they didn't have a covid vaccination or ru being ironic?

(I literally ushered Mr C to get his as soon as it was available)

(I also ushered someone else who ended up with permanent organ damage as a result of taking it but it's not like I made them I was just an enthusiast)

so I think it would be PRETTY weird to stop speaking to someone because they made a personal choice in respect of their own health

besides which, as above, she knew my take on everything for close to a year before the Schism

she is definitely a pronouns person but I don't tend to discuss that with people IRL because zzzz

you are right, sizzler

even if it falls on deaf ears I don't have a prob with being cringe emosh

here's a q tho - should I acknowledge that I sense she's annoyed and say that I am really sorry for anything I've done to create that or should I just say I miss her and I would like to see her?

I wouldn't apologise before hearing her out first. I'd let her have the floor and just get out what it is that's been bothering her. An apology after hearing her out would come across as more sincere, no?

I think the trouble is if I don't come out and say "I know something is bothering you" she will just pass aggly never reveal that it is

Oh deffo, acknowledge that you know she's been annoyed and that you'd like to talk about it.  But apologise after you've talked.

urgggggg so awkward

maybe this is why she just did the part-ghosting thing instead

You should go to the reunion.

beforehand, phone her. Dont message. Half of the world’s ills are caused by poepl getting the wrong end of the stick through emails. Take a leaf out of SCT’s book, call her. Noone else on this thread has found resolution through messaging.

Call from work phone if you worry she might blank your call.

And when you do, just say you are looking forward to meeting up and last time you didnt get much opportunity for a chat and is there something you’ve said or done to upset her.

What minkie said. If she doesn't want to discuss it then you have tried, can take comfort in that and knowing it's her problem if she's not willing to discuss it. Women are so bad at doing this i.e. the going arctic thing.

so, I know that a phone call is the mature choice but

arg phones! 

I would not pick up

she might think it is sensible, though tbf

I knew you would say that Clergs, just remember doing this on phone is 100% easier than face to face

Go.  Have a good time. That'll really piss her off.

In my situation all of my phone calls and voicemails have also been ignored.

here's a q tho - should I acknowledge that I sense she's annoyed and say that I am really sorry for anything I've done to create that or should I just say I miss her and I would like to see her?

Briefly acknowledge that you’re probably at fault (it doesn’t matter whether you are, the point here is to put them at ease and by accepting blame you’re not looking to make it a point scoring exercise about who was right and who was wrong) but that you value your friendship and want to put it right again. 

I would sleep with her dad or brother.  If that failed, her husband.

Ugh. Hate this. Had a similar with a good friend last year and it ended when she stood me up and I thought - enough is enough and didn’t message her. She then turned up as a teaching assistant in nobs class… 

I think if you’re going away for a weekend (definitely go) then be up front and message her and say: not sure if I’m being paranoid, but things feel a bit cold between us and I’d like to resolve this as I value our friendship and am worried I’ve put my foot in it and would like to address, apologise and move on.

then if she’s a nob about it you’ve covered your arse 

Noooooooo re teaching assistant

you are right OB I need to say pretty much exactly that

I fear there will then be drama tho

I will do it first thing tomorrow then neck a coffee and get stuck into work so can't keep looking at phone every five mins

heh @ donny quoting john wick and golda meir in the same post

that’s packing in a lot of wisdom

when she finally reveals all spanky, don’t 4get 2 thank her 4 being honest as that has allowed u 2 b sincere with ur apology

that angle usually goes down well

Yeah you can imagine the horror picking nob up from school and there she was my ex good friend - and she sees and teaches my son every day and I have to pretend to not know her and speak to her civilly as a stranger.

to this day no idea actually why the icing and standing up, I’ve played every interaction through my head 1000s times to see if I did a wrong speak and nothing springs out. I do know that that’s her way tho - when a friendship no longer serves her she ices it out so I’ve had to assume it’s the same same for me. No longer serve, cut.

I do think parents date other parents tho and ice if it doesn’t go onto gel right.

id appreciate that text if I received it, re the one I put above. I’d likely struggle to address it honestly tho. X

yes that is the trouble (although tbf I wouldn't have played it the way she did to begin with!)

Rham - no I wouldn't personally but I'm not being ironic, I know people who have done so.

Maybe it's not that, but without much to go on, statistically speaking it seems like a darn good bet.

Go all out for the rapprochement and then let us know. If you tell yourself you're doing it as an experiment for rof's benefit it might feel less awkward.

(That might work for life in general tbf)

"If you tell yourself you're doing it as an experiment for rof's benefit it might feel less awkward." heh!

yes, this does sound like the most dignified way to approach things

on the vax thing i think it depends on how far down the rabbit hole you've gone on social media.

i've got a couple of old friends from either end of spectrum that i know think differently about post covid and would actively avoid.

they have surely got to have noticed by now that they are still going to get covid from vaccinated people?

or is it more an FBPE-style psychological purity?

Was never about either of those things.

Was about the herd having sufficient resistance that the covid fannies could no longer claim the NHS was going to collapse (as far fewer people would be serious cases). And we could then get on with our lives.

If enough anti vaxxers had refused to get vaxxed, we would all have been fooked by it as lockdown would have continued. Luckily there weren't too many so life was able to revert to normal.

But that's why people judge. Well that's why I did anyway. Not enough to stop talking to someone, though.