Have you tried all the usual medicaments available?

Bertha, they only appeared last week and pain has gradually got worse, so I haven't tried anything yet

Ask your lover to be more gentle.

They will probs go away on their own.

Preparation H or Anusol both do the same thing

They work on most haemarroids 

Get them sorted. You may get some temporary relief from creams but surgery is quick and less painful than the worst engorged ones you can have. 

I thought this was a Victorian disease. 

Lukewarm baths with Epsom salts 

This thread is exclusionary as I believe they are also an ailment of some pregnant ladies.

Being a pregnant lady is a Victorian disease. 

Once upon a time, my mate Dave had a sore bum hole. Oh he thought, piles.

NP, he had a busy social life at Uni, no time for help , he decided to apply liberal amounts of pile cream and crack on.

Two weeks and about two tubes of cream later, now eye wateringly sore he drops into GP (see this really was a long time ago)

The GP take one look and sends Dave to hospital 

Dave had a mahoosive abscess that required an op under General Anesthetic

Dont be like Dave if it’s stays sore, get it checked out 

Think of it as a cautionary tail :)

My suggestion is to take your arse grapes down to the ingle boxing gym and have one of their up and coming boxers jab them off

Sounds like Dave had been straining for the high notes.

Ask some more unqualified people what to do about something that’s causing you diabolical pain. Then wait until it gets really diabolical and you pass out, at which point you’ll be seen by the doctor you’ve been trying to avoid.

Don’t be a moron.

Some helpful advice on Chalfonts in the Nobby’s Piles comic strip in Viz. Mainly involving rhinos. 

Aren't you supposed to tie string around them and then slam the door?

Sitz bath?

I have never had piles, and hope I never do