Rishi Sunak was warned of a “critical risk to life” in 2021 when he was chancellor, but sadly, he was unable to act because he couldn’t be arsed (his 57th resignation offence so far). However, Sunak has furiously denied cutting the school repairs budget in half, insisting he only reduced it by 50%, adding “this is what [the Tories] have always done”.

The prime minister explained spending on schools is just 50% of what it was in 2010 because “we made a huge mistake” by teaching children they had “self-worth” and this made them turn “woke” and stop being bigoted. Obviously, the wokeness had to be crushed, along with the children.

The government sensibly built schools from the lowest quality materials because this saved an average of £13.40 per school - savings they were able to pass on to their donors in the form of tax breaks.

The government is keen to stress it’s only working class kids who’ve been affected by paper mache schools and all Tory constituents got real concrete that won’t dissolve when it rains. Thankfully, the 35 schools confirmed to be at risk so far are in Scotland (a remote location in the Arctic Circle where no Tory has ever set foot and men wear skirts but no underwear, even though it’s freezing).

The government explained affected schools would’ve been safe for at least another 18 months, meaning when they did eventually collapse, it would obviously be the fault of the next Labour government.

A Labour spokesperson said: “This makes a refreshing change from everything being the fault of the last Labour government”.

Understandably, the Tories are reluctant to release a report detailing how many schools are made from paper mache and what action they’ve taken to fix them because those answers are “we don’t know” and “nothing”.

Education secretary Gillian Keegan explained the problem is “nothing to do with me”, insisting: “it’s everyone else who has been fooking useless”.

The opposition reckons up to 1,500 schools could be affected, as well as a whole range of other public buildings, because nothing else works in Tory Britain so why not have roofs crashing on our heads?

The government insists it can’t afford £5.3 billion a year to stop schools turning working-class children into tomato puree because it spent the last of our money on a plague-ridden prison ship for refugees and Nadine Dorries’ 18-month leaving do.

Tory donors are concerned that if the government gets bullied into doing the right thing, their tax bill could increase by £4.51 to pay for repairs. Clearly, this would be unacceptable and thankfully, the opposition agrees because they have the same donors.

Shadow housing secretary Thangam Debbonaire blamed the “state of the economy” for Labour’s reluctance to bill their donors for the cost of repairs. However, I understand Labour could have a change of heart if their focus groups suggest voters would prefer schools weren’t built from paper mache.

Fortunately, both parties have reassured their donors that if any schools do collapse, they won’t have the money to mount a rescue and survivors will have to dig themselves out of the rubble by hand. This is called sensible economics x

oh, I forgot the link, here it is, Link

Irredeemably brilliant and true