My late father was quite an asshole but I never told him that

And now I wonder whether I should have

he was an asshole in many respects 

egomaniac, stingy, racist

He would always talk and never listen. He was well read and well travelled tho

shouldnt I have said at some point: „father, all due respect but for these various reasons, you’re an asshole“

what difference would it have made?

ur still young, that’s ur fault, there’s so much u have to know

Heh I remember how we went to see his relatives in Israel during intifada 2 and then afterwards he would call my mother (they were divorced for about 15 years and not on good terms) and demand that she pays for my travel

Heh I remember how we went to see his relatives in Israel during intifada 2 and then afterwards he would call my mother (they were divorced for about 15 years and not on good terms) and demand that she pays for my travel

Do you have no one else with whom to talk this shit through?

sometimes it’s good to exchange thoughts with people you’re unlikely to meet

wHen clergham posted about her mum, you were all participating 

Life is too short for what-ifs.  He was a cvnt and now he's a dead cvnt.  the universe has rebalanced.  get busy living or get busy dying.

I did and he disinherited me. Which under the circumstances rather proved my point.

Wang is right, But when someone is a cunt, shouldn’t they be told? Why did I never dare to say it? He probably died thinking he was alright 

My father always said „I will never leave you anything“ and so he did, not one cent, not even a painting or suchlike

went on holidays 3-4 times per year tho

My dad can be an arse and my mum and I tell when he is but the trouble is that if you tell him after 8pm he can't remember the next morning so you have to tell him again.

My father had this air about him that would block or prevent even the slightest criticism 

but for why? How did he do it? Why did no one dare to criticize him? What was the worst that could have happened? 

Too late to tell him now, but it may help to vent all your thoughts and feelings about this to a friend or relative or indeed on here if you want to. Let it rip!

 

Sounds like he would've just rejected the criticism, it might've fallen a bit flat.  I suppose you'd have got it off your chest at least.  Genuinely sorry your Dad was such an arsehole.

Conversely, my Dad was so ill when he died we couldn't really talk properly, and I didn't tell him I loved him.  He knew I did, but I should've said it.  

All goes to shit either way

Yeah I would have gotten it off my chest

maybe it was also a case of „he’s old, he won’t change anyway“

Some are assuming that "what difference would it have made?" means "would it have changed his behaviour?".

If it had made you feel better, that would have been important even if it had no effect on your late father. 

If it makes you feel better to talk about it now - go for it. 

What ethnicity was this gentleman? 

And it's apples not acorns

My mistake, apologies.

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree.

He was Jewish and pretty much all stereotypes applied to him, which is interesting as he was not at all religious 

when we went to Israel to support his family, it was my idea 

he would never have gone there if I didn’t insist

he never gave a fuck about anything at all but himself, his well-being and his career 

He was Jewish and pretty much all stereotypes applied to him, which is interesting as he was not at all religious 

when we went to Israel to support his family, it was my idea 

he would never have gone there if I didn’t insist

he never gave a fuck about anything at all but himself, his well-being and his career 

I'm sorry to hear this.  I'm lucky that my parents are very generous.  They gave MJJ and I a couple of grand (which we don't strictly need) to buy new sofas and stuff when we moved into this new place.

I am not your biggest fan DD but for whatever it is worth, my own experience with my late father we’re not dissimilar.

When we were kids he was very violent towards my brother and I, never the girls or my mother.  I’m not talking clip around the ear stuff I’m talking actually beating us hard.

When he was older, I never asked him why he was such a violent asshole to us, we never spoke about it.  I think he knew he had done wrong but was probably too ashamed to bring it up and I had no desire either.  So he died without either my brother or I ever talking about it. 

What would it have accomplished? Well I suppose an apology but we were long past that stage anyway.  Sometimes it can be easy to overthink things without realising what you are doing, when actually the past can’t be changed so best to just move on.

Talking about this to a counsellor was one of the best decisions I ever made.  I thoroughly recommend it just to get it off your chest and actually hear yourself saying it out loud.  When I did so I realised that actually, I no longer cared.  He was dead.

My father beat me hard, too

not often but when he did, it was in a way you don’t normally do, you don’t beat your kids with your fist or throw them against a wall

Quite.  I think we understand one another on this topic.

His biggest punishment was he never got the fame, accolade and attention he thought he deserved. He didn’t have many friends left but. Isn’t that the case with most old people 

I don’t believe in shrinks that’s the problem. Bunch of muppets 98%

They do exist.  And they can ask the right questions to help you work through your feelings or thoughts on a topic.  Worth a try at least.

I doubt telling him would have led to any change in behaviour. It's a tall order expecting an abusive parent to ween themselves off the thinking they've relied on for a lifetime to avoid dealing with their own problems.

You might have got some closure and it might have come sooner. Probably a good idea to get some  help though.

wHen clergham posted about her mum, you were all participating

Yeah, we've all participated on your mum as well.

It is a matter of justice 

when people are cunts, they ought to know that they are. It is just not right for them to continue to live thinking they aren’t cunts

Coracle you are so funny 

was it worth typing that post? 

That is something that really annoys me about „intelligence“ officials, when they think they are people of integrity 

someone should change that 

There's generally not much to be gained by telling your dad he's an arsehole, I don't think. Unless you seriously think it might change his behaviour, which if he's a real arsehole it won't.

As I said cunts should be told that they are cunts as a matter of justice 

I'm not sure you're under any obligation to administer such justice, so I wouldn't spin your wheels over this one.