Hotel rant: plz help plot vengeance

I am in a 4 star London hotel in a standard room. Business rate of 150 a night. Staying two nights. Check in at 9PM, ask about room service as really hungry but it’s 24 hrs so go to room. It’s bad. Really, really bad. Outdated and overlooking a wall. Nothing to rest my suitcase on but a suitcase sized hole next to a ramshackle cabinet/sideboard thing so on the floor it goes. Notice there are some screws on wall but no pictures. Two single beds. Find a wad of dust next to the bed. There are random cut through wires beneath the desk.

call family, laugh about always ending up in the broom cupboard, cuss out employer etc. Start looking for room service menu and hotel info for WiFi. Nuffink. Start looking for place to plug in phone charger. Nope. All outdated with round pins. There’s a tablet type thing with hotel info. No menu, nothing on WiFi and no clue about breakfast. BUT the airco works albeit very loudly.

Off to the lobby I go. Receptionist has no clue. Some sort of manager type guy comes with me. I am right. No place to plug a modern charger. He unplugs the empty (?) fridge so I can charge via an extension that also holds tv plug and tablet. TV not working. Ok. Haha. What IS working. It’s 9.45. He will bring up a menu and will ask maintenance to come by. Fine. Then: nuffink. I am getting thirsty and stare at empty non working fridge. 

It is now 10.15 pm and I go down to reception. By this time my knees are buckling as exhausted after long day of moving house and not enough to eat and drink. I need to get up at 5.30 am, still need to eat, sleep and wash my hair before then. Great. 

Ask reception for menu and please cancel maintenance for telly. I need the zzz’s. Blank stare. I cry. The shame. Can I PLEASE have a menu an cancel the telly because I need to eat and sleep. He starts calling maintenance and asks for favour for the crying lady. JUST GIVE ME THE GODDAMN MENU. Also, some water would be nice. No, no water provided to standard rooms. What the ACTUAL fuck? Fine. Whatever. Can I get a tissue to fix the snot situation AND A MENU? Ok, great. 

I am now typing away on a tablet. I can wash my shoulder blades but not my hair as shower head still at 1960s level. I am 5’10” so obvs abnormal. Burger arrived at 11.00 pm. I cannot work as no plug near desk to work on. No tv. 

Give me your most outrageous strategies for handling this. Copy and paste to Twitter/tripadvisor/google review etc? Official complaint. Demand upgrade? More crying (the SHAME tho). 

Tx for reading. No TLDR and no dux saying I can skip a meal as I am fat anyway. 

srsly every word of this is true so serious replies also appreciated. 

 

 

Name and shame the hotel!

Although beyond a one dot on TripAdvisor I can't think of many good revenges.

Also: I asked the manager if the cut wires were safe. He did not find that strange apparently, to get such a question. I also asked if I had mistakenly been put in a decommissioned room. I saw some serious doubt in his eyes at this point. 

Unless you are a loyalty club member, that can help.

 

PS sorry if you mentioned this but why didn't you ask to swap rooms?

 

Millennium Gloucester.

pls help me

I just want a normal room 

I did say this was the worst room ever and not acceptable. But my tears made the guy freeze up and then he got annoyed when I asked for water. 

Ah I stayed there a couple of times for conferences. 

Once in a heatwave, just passed out from the heat on my bed until morning. Congrats on the working a/c.

You can ask to change but the place has minged for at least ten years so I'd be surprised if they have any. 

Sorry this isn't helpful. 

At least you're not in the Tara copthorne

I will try to think of revenges 

I am now going to stand in front of the door with a cigarette and panda mascara eyes. Or is it raccoon eyes. Thanks a panda too tho. Trash panda. How fitting . Fuck this.

It is so ming indeed. I can hear the neighbour fart I think.

I bet you are not his first crier today

At least you'll be gone in a few hours!

I’m here two nights. Also, upon my return the room cards were no longer working. Ossuary. Back to the lobby again. Yay.

The curtains don’t fully close. There is some sort of ripped net curtain and the blackout blinds are too small I think. 

I am going to try to sleep. There is a blue stain on the sheet. I will wash my hair at 5 am to annoy farty mc fart face next door

This is nothing.  Nothing I tell you.  

Try a city-centre hotel in Manchester or Liverpool for really rank rooms and unhelpful staff.  Horrible, horrible gits.  

 

Switch hotels for tonight and get it struck from your corporate list?

I will tell our travel guys this is totally unfit for business travel. I won’t be back till 9pm tonight. Maintenance man came at 7.15. The cut cables under the desk were for telly. I am gonna hedge my bets and keep the decommissioned room because the airco works and my shoulder blades are really clean. 

Reminds me of when I was at a conference in Alabama. Was talking to a lad from the Army on the first day and he described how that morning he reached over to turn the alarm off to find a couple of cockroachs crawling on it. My response was essentially WTF and get yourself moved to another hotel. He said he was fine and would just stick it out. Clearly had pretty low standards.

Tricky, your hotel already has pretty shite reviews on line. Why on earth would your work book you in there? Don't you get any say in where you stay?

Do not stay there another night. They get away with being this shit because people don't just leave and find somewhere else.

Buy some prawns and put them in the toilet cistern.

I wanted to stay at the lensbury but that was not available so I chose closest hotel to tube and home. I can’t just pack up and go as everything needs to go through Team Relocations. This was best option on our approved hotels list.

Err dont you live about a 15 minute cab journey from central london?

I would probably pay for a room myself elsewhere.

For future ref the holiday Inn expresses are pretty good. Also I'm a fan of Hilton Kensington if out that way.

Yeah if your employer's hotel policy is a bit stingy you're going to get better VFM going to a Premier Inn or similar, especially in London.

If you have a trouser press, just before you leave do a poo in a sock and place it in the press, turn it on full blast.

This seems like an unnecessary waste of a sock Buzz.  Couldn't the stool be directly applied to the press?  or are you thinking more along the lines of a handy take-away cooked number?

Wot wang said *is a bit a confused*.

Unfortunately the lower end of business hotels in London (under 200 quid a night) is really sh1te. Actually non luxury hotels generally are pretty sh1te. I have stayed at 5 star places in the West End that would be regarded as a sh1t 4 star in most cities.  I have never stayed in a good Millennium hotel anywhere tho....

What clerghs said about Holiday Inn, the big Holiday Inn in front of the Millennium would have been a better bet

To be clear wot wang said about where you live not what he said about pooing in trouser presses!

Don’t worry tricky, we won’t ask why you needed to stay in a hotel 20 minutes by tube from your home station?

*winks knowingly*

Good on you gal, life in the old bird yet eh?

Obvs don't stay there tonight. Who cares what your firms policy is? You don't have to stay there. The room was uninhabitable. Pay for a room somewhere else and claim it back.

 

are you sure this was London and not literally any hotel in scandinavia? 

£150 a night in London.

You gets what you pays for I'm afraid. In the week expect to pay £300 for somewhere even halfway decent these days.

I don't really understand why your firm are being so stingy given the palace they rented for you to live in, but in view of that I'd just pay for somewhere decent myself tbh. 

I am not paying for this and not going to. It’s a 15 min tube ride. That’s the closest I could get to my house.

Am I weird having my shower set at shoulder height because I don't like the water spraying in my face?  Hardly a hardship to duck slightly for hair washing.

Why do people always faff with room service?  First thing I do after checking into a hotel is a recce of the surrounding area to identify the nearest provider of a wide range of normally priced snacks.

the marriott is like two minutes down the road and infinity nicer

 

not nice, the competition is too weak for that

 

but infinity nicer

What strutted said re room service. There’s that Chinese place in the basement of the hotel that’s dead quick at serving food

I was hot and sweaty and dirty and did not want to go out.

Anyway, just booked a hair appointment for tonight to relax. 

Wot sort of time?

Just so you’re not out when I pop by this evening.

18.30 so if you want a steak too best be on time tonight. 

not to be unhelpful but I bet a good haircut in london costs about the same as a hotel room

Not being funny but if you choose to slum it in 4* you have to take the rough with the smooth.

Exceedingly wealthy Solicitor posts whining message stating that hotel room is un-inhabitable.

She then stubbornly refuses to follow sensible advice to forthwith check-out and spend (if necessary) a few ££ of her own moolah on better accommodation for second night.

What have I missed out?

When I travelled in the UK on business, I'd routinely upgrade from my own pocket. Life's too short for problematic hotels.

Wot Legal Alien said too (but with the caveat that Lastminute will give you some good deals at £150-200 if you're flexible as to location)

Shit in the air conditioning duct.  Don't tell them (obvs).

Millenium Gloucester in South Ken?

Doesn't get many good reviews on trip advisor.

See if your firm can recover the money? Take photos of all the issues.

This is why corporate travel departments should start letting people stay in private homes on short lets as then you'd have a nice apartment all to yourself.

I think we have settled upon the following course of action:

 

Prawns duct taped under the cistern lid. 

Dog food in the aircon duct.

Banana taped underneath the desk, so it gets to room temperature quickly.

What Jorrocks said. Get the money back. Nothing says 'I'm sorry' like money.

Taken a ton of pictures. Going for the money back option.