Wang's Upon a Time 05 Dec 18 16:38
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went to my son's christingle thing in the church this morning.  what the actual fuck is that all about?

And lo, Peter bestowed upon jesus an orange with a candle in it and some sweets stuck on (but liable to fall off a lot) and jesus saw it and it was good...

what the  fck? could they be any more pagan?

i have no memory of this from childhood but my mrs reckons her school did it (and she as she gets bored of me saying is a proper pagan).

 at least when I had to pretend to be religious as a child we did proper things like eating the flesh and drinking the blood of an actual 2000 y/o deity (probably 1986 tbf but that's still a good innings).

big shout out to the baptist parents who actually sang rather than do the cofe mumble.

srsly tho the jesus orange?

Peter didn't meet the little baby sneezus did he?  He came along later and hung out with the strapping big sweaty carpenter jesus and his big group of man friends?

We also did "Cannibalism Christmas" when I was a child.

There's an interesting point.  Can you have a christian vegan?

I suppose you could but maybe only a COE one, not a cafflick one.

Did you not already in your infant's life encounter the great Christian story of Easter which is no longer that a prophet was killed by crucifixion but  that a bunny made out of chocolate gave birth to eggs made out of chocolate and that is why we are glad? 


Of course ron we observe all sensible pagan festivals

sweets?  your kid is lucky, we got fucking cloves

Actually in the version I heard, the bunny was the result of a genetic engineering experiment.  It was meant to be shoulder mounted, because it fired the eggs out at sufficient velocity to destroy any substance known to man.

 your kid is lucky, we got fucking cloves

My mother insisted on dried fvcking fruit. Everyone else had sodding dolly mixtures or something. Another chance for me to the demonstrable freak. FUN.

Is that what donni darko is about?  what a fckng shyt film that is

Yeah, I think so.  Basically the giant rabbit spent the whole film trying to find somewhere to take a dump.

"all around us are familiar faeces, burned out faeces...etc"

c'mon Dusty, at least you can EAT dried fruit (my mother always packed my tuck box with dried fruit - I feel your pain)

YES! I loved the Christingle service. The orange and the candle and the sweets are awesome.

That's true. Sun Maid Raisins featured heavily for me. I had the healthiest was so boring. I ended up having my parents pay for school lunches because I would leave half of what I was given, otherwise. Ha.

Fool RE peter and jesus u should read some of the dead sea scrolls and the book of enoch.  they make it very clear that peter and Jesus' parents were in the same NCT class (Nazereth SW 2)

Just out of interest, how does this Christingle thing fit with the not worshipping idols thing?  Is it actually a religious service?  Will there be priests and bumming involved?

My child's school is having one.  I assumed it was some sort of non-denominational snowflakey don't worry we won't go into the scenes of graphic torture and murder event.

But if we're talking about a candle stuck in an orange and a bag of sweets, it sounds rather more like an old school tory MP's idea of a friday night.  I'm not sure it's really my bag.

Actually I might, I'm going through a zombie fiction stage at the moment, and jesus stuff counts.

My school was founded by a bishop so compulsory chapel every day for the first two year and compulsory chapel on Sunday for everyone.  We definitely did a proper Christmas service.

I suppose you could technically class readings from the book of isiah by the town priest and singing of silent night* in a norman church as non denominational, but u'd have to be a brexit scale bullshytter.


*my son was not singing, he was trying to lift the carved top off a  sarcophagus of a norman knight

Christingle shite - I went to one of these once. Total born again bollocks.

or is it?

In the Revised Standard Modern English Reform Summary Alpha Baybee Jesoos Bible Lite, in the Second Pop-up Book of Kardashian t says as follows:

1.  The shepherds were in the fields with their flock. Suddenly a great light appeared in the sky and the heavens were lit up with a sparkling shower of Divine light and thunder was heard. "'kin' 'ell" proclaimed the head shepherd, "if they are going to do fireworks why can't they tell us so we can lock the dogs up". There was a great woofing and gnashing of, er, gnashers.

2. Then there appeared to them a greengrocer who said "behold, the fruit and veg of the Lord two pands a pand" and gave oranges to the shepherds. This being the holy land, they were Jaffas.  And the oranges were navel oranges from a grove nearby.

3. The shepherds took the oranges and thought "excellent". They placed them in the bottom of their long socks, with the walnut from the greengrocer's last visit, and the pencil sharpener, whoopee cushion, chocolate mice, the ball bearing maze puzzle and a handy miniature plastic sheep shearer from the East which broke immediately.

4. The greengrocer said unto them "now fuckoff." and they were sore afraid because he looked like that burglar chap from Masterchef.  So they did fuck off and as they were walking they said unto each other "what do we do with all this tat in the socks" and they kept walking until they came to a stable on the outside of which was a 450w halogen floodlight with a PIR sensor which lit up like the bloody sun as they approached.

5. As they entered the darkness they did start to skin up and as they lit their spliff they got a terrible fright. There was a woman there and a geezer. He introduced himself as Joseph and his lady friend as Mary. They knew better than to ask questions about two people hiding in the hay. They made small talk and discovered she had just had a baby and said it was lying in the feeding trough, except neither Mary or Joseph had a name for him. "Jesus" said one of the shepherds, in shock to realise the baby was where he was just about to stub out his spliff.  "Yes, maybe" said Joseph, for no reason apparent to the shepherds. "Anwyay, have you come to pay respects to the baby with gifts like gold, frankinsense and myrrh?"

6. The shepherds were sore afraid again and asked what kind of fucking presumption this could be. They rummaged around in their socks and found the oranges and presented them to parents, made their excuses and scarpered.   

7. Mary and Joseph agreed that oranges in December were rank.  They used them as stands for their candles.  


This being the holy land, they were Jaffas.  And the oranges were navel oranges from a grove nearby.

This bit was translated from the original Estuary English by Comrade Corbyn and I distance myself from the obvious Anti-Semitism evident in his oeuvre.

Thank you Mutters for that little know passage from the gospel of Colin.


The Jaffas point is relevant though. Sorry about the bullshit above. Seriously for a moment:

Jaffas are the fruit of the what is commonly known as the Christingle tree (proper name "Root and Stump of Jesse") and are, as you know, seedless. No other orange should be used in the Christingle. These commemorate the fact that Mary gave birth not through the seed of Joseph but, virgo intacta, she was entered by the Holy Spirit.  By being born he was doomed to die for all mankind. This is why when we eat the orange we anticipate pleasure but quickly make a face in horror at the experience and gasp "Jesus Christ". 

when you push the candle into the orange and spatter translucent white wax gobbets all over the perfect skin you are supposed to consider the Holy Manhood ramming the virgin and


sorry I may have gone a little far with this thought

Better than the other way round - one year my mam got a job lot of cheap "clubbo" statsumas from beejam which were 99% seed and hairy pith.  

When I was a kid we processed round the church with candles in the Advent Darkness to Light service. My mum said watch it carefully and don't let it go out. I therefore fixated on my candle flame and plodded on, and kept walking. Ahead, the procession stopped at the altar. A lady ahead of me was wearing a beautiful mink coat. I walked straight into here and there was a noise that sounded like a zip then a woof as her coat and amply sprayed hair took on the full enactment of the burning bush. They had to put her on her side and roll her back and forth in the aisle to put it out.

You could ask the vicar about whether or not it is pagan and if s/he says yes then thats your get-out.

When my father died we quizzed the priest about a load of things in the funeral my father had said he didnt want, and it turned out they were all regional customs rooted in pagan times so we didnt have to have any of them. Cut the whole thing by about 30 minutes, result.(Usually lots of rather over-long services in our particular branch of Christianity).

Minkie for the avoidance of doubt, I am a fan of paganism.  when I die I would like to be blood eagled in the nearby woods and have my highly toxic organs consumed by red kites and marsh harriers.

I do actually see that as the last scene in the film of my life. Nobody left, just me and a goat. We talk. I tell him stuff, he nods and tells of his life. We say nothing and stare ahead, and after an embarrassingly long pause he concedes that things have been good for him by comparison.

Christingle is a charity thing isn’t it? We used to have a Christingle service as a separate thing at my (firmly CofE) school to maximise the fundraising for poor kids. Then normal service (literally) would resume with the 12 lessons etc. 

I have some hazy memory of having to put a red ruff around the orange like a priest in olden times but that may have been my weird childhood. 

Ps mutters your updated parable of the burning bush made me proper lol - never knew it had a rodent dimension before. V v blackadder/mrs miggins “no it’s real cat - look they’ve kept the little collars on any everything” 

must be getting on for 45 years ago now. The smell of burning mink and blue rinse is a heady cocktail to behold.