Child friendly resort recommendations

Somewhere nice like Tenerife or Lanzarote 

No Tabithas and tarquins 

Late summer break 

Need kids club(s) and activities but close enough to nice restaurants etc 

Ideally a three bed suite or connecting rooms, hotel not villa 

Budget - this is rof....


Run different events every hour so they can pick what they want to do. Also football pitches and tennis courts. Ours didn't do loads of it , because they like hangin out with us luckily, but it's great

Tbh we basically left resort to go to the marina. Quite nice. The beach , 100 metres away and the volcano (amazing)

Buffet breakfast good. Very good

Bahia el duque I think- in Tenerife. Went with o/h was really good. Saw quite a few families with kids.

Can confirm Princessa Yaiza is great if you're a working class lad and just want to relax somewhere nice with dece food while the kids have a whale of a time. Playa Blanca has some A* grade Brits abroad "Irish pubs" to watch the football in too.

Iberostar Anthelia in Tenerife also fantastic for the same things except the booze is different class there. 

Yaiza is way less good since covid (the fish tanks are still all empty for eg) but if your kids are 5+ there's an amazing all day football camp that my eldest bloody loved 

Time of year?

if October or April or February I’d recommend the four seasons sharm el sheikh - great family rooms - loads to do.  Easy to get to. 

Chinorder really can't handle his Nelson these days - sad. Just like his joke of a football 'club', a shadow of what it once was

As a northern working class hero I'm sure you'll be heading to Morecambe for a high quality break. 

Obviously davos has ink, that's a given.  Do we think it's some sort of bicep sleeve or something profound in kanji?

I’ve got one for you Davos, place we went in Tenerife last year. Will be back w a recco

Gran Meliá Pqlacio de Isora

Only bit of your spec that it’s not super hot on is proximity to restaurants outside the hotel. There’s a small town nearby (Alcala) but it’s not much. Cab ride to Las Americas / Los Cristianos.

Sani Resort in halkidiki (greece) is genuinely lovely. Not close to a proper town but has plenty of restaurants spread across the hotels.. Pricing has gone a bit mental since Covid though (even by rof standards). 

Bazza I already have breaks to camber sands and bognor this year 

Just wanted something a bit further afield as going for a longer period 

Thanks Laz - looks good 

Does anyone have any holiday recommendations

no deans or destinys

gold hoop and tat free dining




Dvos if you end up taking Laz’s suggestion, be sure to have a lunch in La Caleta (half way down to Las Americas - not sure if he had tongue in cheek for that)

What’s this shite about not wanting to see tats on holidays. I’m very happy to see tats, if they’re on a bikini-clad hardbody. Big fan of the gym-honed fvck-ready mirrored sunglasses bad girl look 

As a personal observation, lots of tats on the beach generally also means lots of fag ends and plastic litter 😬

My point that the hotel is a cab ride away from las americas was in no way tongue in cheek!

As it's ROF, the only suggestion should be something that meets hardly any of your preferences so I give you the Martinhal resort in Sagres.

it is amazing 


You can't be classist against the ruling and prejudical class 

Didn't they teach you that at boarding school?

They have a converted VW camper van vending ice lollies

They also have (a) a comprehensive and good quality wine menu and (b) will deliver your desserts to your Villa if you're with young kids and don't have time to have dessert before they get cranky and tired ("order the desserts that you both want and we'll deliver them to where you're staying in an hour").

Great service, great food, great drink

only buffettes I want to see are round the pool showing off their haunches in whale tail bikini kegs

Martinhal is fabulous agreed.


+1 for this, my ex's family have a house on that resort, been there a couple of times. It's lovely. 

"No Tabithas and tarquins" 

"Budget - this is rof...."

These two requirements seem mutually exclusive to me.