While not something we would cover in the news, this missive from 'Gwyneth' does give an insight into...life?

Lesson: don't dip your quill in the company inkwell. I've changed or [obscured] all the names, dates and places for reasons which will become abundantly clear. Gwyneth writes:

"My now ex-partner 'Mark', 42, [In-house lawyer], [company], [Twitter handle] had an affair with one of his colleagues ('Maria', 25, [company], [Twitter handle]). I have outlined the sorry saga below as well as including a copy of the letter I sent to her should you be interested. 

In a nutshell, he told me he was going to Durban a night earlier than he actually was so he could take her to Dublin on the Valentine's trip that he arranged for us back in September, despite telling me he wasn't seeing her and was trying to work out what he wanted i.e. if we should give our relationship another go. Anyway, the moron sent me a screenshot on the Saturday night accidentally revealing he was in Ireland. Anyway, I am now done with him and his lies so on Valentine's Day I sent her a massive bunch of leeks (I'm Welsh) with a scathing letter, multiple selfies of me and him along with various emails where he spoke of proposing and even to the reverend he wanted to marry us. I also sent him a bouquet of helium filled balloons with her social media profile picture printed which arrived in a big white box while he was out of office in Durban. He is an incredibly private person and has desperately tried to keep the lid in his work based affairs over the years (all bar this one took place before he met me) so the vision of the balloons with his paramour's face floating out in their open plan office is hilarious and the stuff of office legends! I'm not typically a spiteful person so I should add that I have only gone after her so venomously because when I initially approached her via Facebook she was less than apologetic for sleeping with my partner, she is only 25."  

Do not open the box Mark

Hope you had a lovely Valentine’s weekend in Dublin.....you know Mark booked that hotel months ago for me and him, right?! I only realised he’d taken you instead when he sent me a screen shot on Saturday night confessing he’d been stalking me on social media and he inadvertently gave the game away that he was in Ireland!  He’s more dumb than I gave him credit for! Oh, and just so you know, he declared to Sam and me in February that he was SINGLE! Are you enjoying still being his dirty little secret?! Cause you are certainly not his girlfriend ?

We went for lunch on Friday after I accompanied him to a GP appointment. He concocted some elaborate lie telling me he was going to Budapest with Sam on Saturday night! Guess he must have wanted to keep me sweet. Trouble is I am way more intelligent than him, and you, for that matter.

We actually stayed at the same hotel in Dublin the same weekend in 2017, he's a creature of habit so he wanted to stay there again this year when we did the 10k....sadly that event didn’t happen.....you know how he doesn’t like to cancel things so I guess he thought you’d do for company, you lucky, lucky whore. 

For me, a shit shag is a shit shag regardless of the country. And yet I persisted with him thinking his personality and the promise of a life together was worth the trade off, more fool me! Perhaps for someone of your age and unscrupulous character you’ll put up with shit sex from Mark and his ‘Tiddler’....at 26 years of age, you probably haven’t had better and, from what I’ve seen and heard, you’re unlikely to get better. Mark is probably a step up from Ian....you go girl! But let’s face it....your ‘City Lawyer’ actually outsources any real legal work to the Magic Circle.....not so much of a ‘City Lawyer’ after all! If he gets made redundant he’s done for and will need to sit tight till he can draw his pension which, coincidentally, isn’t that far off ?

You’re more than welcome to my stolen boyfriend you deluded, immature, vile and unscrupulous whore.....turns out he’s a pathological liar and I am far too good to waste any more of my time on him. Given you have demonstrated yourself to be a person of limited ‘sense’ ‘reason’ and ‘trust’ as well as being a patronising and vile bitch I am sure the two of you will be blissfully happy together, I give you my blessing.....to fuck each other’s lives up! ? Liars and cheats deserve each other and therefore, my dear, you and him are a match made in heaven! 

According to your Twitter profile you are a self proclaimed “human rights campaigner”. But you are actually a pathetic excuse for a human being who deliberately embarked upon a sexual relationship with a man whom you knew was already taken. Even after my Dad had died suddenly you still shagged Mark when you knew he was still in a relationship with me. I sat and cried, alone, in my flat that night desperate to see Mark, it was the first time I'd been back to London since my Dad died. He spent the next day with me and slept in my bed that night. What sort of vile human being are you? What sort of vile human being is he? Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who could treat a person he loved the way he treated me? He’d actually been to look at engagement rings and was planning to propose in Durban before you flung yourself at him!  You really are a nasty piece of work and one day, both you and him, will reap what you have sown, or you'll have to lie in the putrid beds that you have made for yourselves. Bad things happen to good people so who knows what fate has in store for individuals like you. So “champagne by day, Netflix by night” actually sums you up very well as a superficial, fickle, easily pleased bitch! You’re not even an oxymoron.....you’re just a contradiction that did a law degree but wasn’t good enough to do a traineeship.....you better hold on to Mark for dear life for he, my under achieving tart, is your ticket and you better trap him before he gets bored! 

FYI don’t get too comfortable, when I asked him to cancel our holiday to Cuba in 2018 he refused.....he doesn’t want to cancel it “in case we give things another go” ???? As I’m sure you’ll know, he’s 43 this year so be prepared for some grand gesture of a holiday, probably funded out of the £10k engagement ring fund, or even project HM.....that was the code name for his Honeymoon savings BTW! Lucy didn’t even bother to turn up to his 30th birthday holiday so he’s particularly sensitive about these and will no doubt seek to pin you down to dates soon.....it’s not that he’ll want to spend it with you specifically, he just won’t want to spend it alone or with just his Mum! It was on his 43rd birthday in Berlin that we were aiming to break the news to his Mum that I was pregnant with his baby....Rose for a girl and Nathan for a boy, in case you are interested. Thank fuck I dodged that bullet! 

Please don't think you're special, when I asked him why he cheated on me with you, he said he "liked the attention" he didn't actually have anything to say about you as a person and I really did press him on that because I wanted to understand what was so special about you. He had nothing to say, not even something nice! All he had to say was that he “liked the attention”. Isn’t it pitiful that someone would throw away a relationship for a bit of attention from a bland whore? He could have paid for attention from an actual prostitute but instead he chose to let himself be played by you ? This isn’t the first relationship he’s fucked up by cheating, he cheated on Lucy with another two dumb bitches from work, Esme and Gina. Although, to be fair, Esme wasn't that dumb and managed to get a decent amount of money out of him to buy her silence. Gina got a holiday to Vietnam and then told him to fuck off, that one hurt him. Cleo sounds like she was too successful in her own right and too much of a handful for him. Spot a pattern? You and him won’t last, he can’t trust you and he’s exceptionally insecure about trust. 

I felt humiliated for a while but now I don't feel so bad, I mean, look at Beyonce! However, no one could ever accuse you of being 'Maria with the good hair' more like ‘Maria with too much hair in all the wrong places’ and just like Jay-z, Mark was 'punching' with me!  ? 

In shagging you behind my back he's shat on his own doorstep once too many times. Both of you need to learn that your actions have consequences. Did you really think I was going to let you speak to me like you did in December and not say a word back? If you did then you are as stupid as he was, thinking he'd placated me enough to not let rip at you. Google me. I don't take shit lying down, you naive silly tart. 

And just so you know, he said the sex with you isn’t great, it’s 'immature'. I guess by that he means he hasn't got down on all fours and asked you to 'make me feel vulnerable' and stick your finger in his arse yet?! Or maybe it means you've let him cum on your face, he was desperate to do that to me for 3 whole years but I always said no. Nothing more degrading, if you ask me. He was furious with you for taking that selfie on his balcony and then using it for your social media profile pictures, demonstrated your immaturity apparently. Perhaps I should thank you, after all, it was that profile picture that led to him being caught out. All I did was stick ‘Maria and your company in to Google and then my already broken heart was ripped apart some more when I saw your FB profile was a selfie taken on his balcony. I hope he hasn’t told you that he confessed? He didn’t. I worked it out. You knew you were the 'other woman' and he was never going to dump me for you, regardless of what lies he was spinning you.

He also finds you less attractive than me. Fact. You're also not the size 10 he desires, in fact, he said you are DEFINITELY bigger than a 12. You might say he was saying those things to be kind, but take a long hard look at yourself and this fucked up situation you have got yourself in to Maria. Try and be a grown up, try to take a step back and think about what you want from a relationship. Mark wants to have his cake and eat it. He’s been trying to keep me sweet since I worked out what a deceptive, devious and duplicitous idiot he actually is. I will not play second fiddle to anyone, least of all a bitch like you. All I can say is that I guess he regards you as such an inconsequential soul that he finds it easier to live with himself being a cunt with you standing by his side in the shadows rather than standing by mine in plain sight. He is a troubled soul. You already know he won't admit you are a couple publicly so despite his grand gesture of a Valentines trip to Dublin you are still nothing more than a dirty little secret. Let me remind you, in case it wasn't clear enough at the start, that trip you've just had to Dublin was originally booked for me and him, he took me last year.....does that make a cheap tart feel special and loved? Or just convenient? If you're lucky, maybe he'll get the name changed and take you to Cuba instead, wouldn't that be nice to go on yet another trip that Mark and I had planned together? Enjoy being my stand in ?

Congratulations Maria, you "won".....enjoy your "prize".....a 42 year old balding, overweight, narcacisst, pathological liar with commitment issues and a borderline alcohol problem.....well done, you love the high life and you went for the gutter ?

#HappyFuckingValentines ♥️?"