Used to holiday down Southend as a kid 

And camber sands in the caravan 

Lovely memories

Decent eels and ice cream in Southend 

eels and ice-cream doesn't sound gr8, m8.

Am more interested in what it's like now - is it rough&scuzz, or waitroseynaaaice?

It’s long and boring. Like most piers. Except Southwold.

The train is good/terrifying 

Adventure Island has a decent ‘coaster (Rage)

obvs mini golf - think it’s free once you’ve paid to get in

love free minigolf.

Actually Google tells me it’s £6.50 for 9 holes so strictly no freeloaders

2 rounds for £8 though so the 2nd round is only £1.50 once you’ve paid for the first round

yeah, but it's more is it a pleasant or scuzz experience I was after.

It’s not too bad as English seaside towns go - nowhere near as bad as, say, Great Yarmouth. 

Wouldn’t say the pier is scuzzy at all, just make sure you don’t go there on a day that Jamie Oliver might be there…

I like Jamie O.  Have met him a few times, and he's a decent guy.

Well you can go to his ‘caff’ while you’re there

Super. will do.

Jelly, i trust you will take at least £50 per child so they can boss the tuppeny tipping points in the arcades and lose loads on the "grab a manky mario plushie" machines

I was expecting a bit more mods n rockers tbh

Google maps tells me it's about 2.5hrs drive, or 1hr50m on the choochoo.  Not sure it's gonna be worth that much travel for a day trip...