The bloody soddin

Just pilfered an entire breast of roast chicken from the kitchen table while I answered the phone in the other room.

I have started researching roast fucking dog recipes.  Little monster! 

He is now curled up on the sofa pretending to be innocent and ignoring me.  He even ignored me when I got a choc ice and ate it next to him.  A sure sign of guilt.

Bastard.  That was my sodding lunch!

I had a cat like that, once stole a leg of lamb off the side, took it upstairs and hid it in the airing cupboard

We had a cat when I was young that would regularly come home with half a sandwich or something else in its gob. The funniest was when he came home with a string of half a dozen sausages that he’d clearly nicked from a worktop somewhere nearby. You’d be fuming wouldn’t you. 

My dog stole and entire roast chicken as it was resting. Must have been very hot for her. She snatched it out of the roasting dish and raced off.   I gave chase but there she was sitting outside licking her lips and there was nothing around her. How could she have swallowed this in less than 20 seconds?

We have a wall next to the back door with a cat flap in it and a tunnel through the wall to the outside.  The dog hid the chicken in the tunnel. 

When foodies wibble about 'resting' or 'jus'  I loosen the safety catch

on my revolver 

Thanks for clarifying. I'd assumed you meant on your flies you creepy weirdo.

Used to have a Siamese cat who would open cupboards, fridges, etc. and take whatever was therein -- usually cheese, for some reason. Got him from the RSPCA and they were concerned that when I took him on I tried to train him to stop stealing. After a couple of weeks I was on the 'phone with the lass who gave him to me and she asked what progress had been made with stopping him stealing. Just as I was telling her that I thought he was improving, he walked past dragging a whole loaf of bread with him. Eventually I gave up -- his will was so much stronger than mine.  Had to get child locks on all the cupboards and the fridge and that stopped him. But once he couldn't get into my fridge he realised he could go through neighbours' cat flaps and do their fridge. Found him in the kitchen on Christmas morning eating a whole stuffed salmon. Wasn't mine... 

I'd also get neighbours telling me how the cat had 'attended' their BBQ -- basically sat waiting to be fed. They thought it was adorable, for some reason. To be fair he was a very friendly, charming, gentle cat. But that hid a dark, dark criminal side.