It is time to tour the dark and fragrant heart of UK law firms.

Bird & Bird came top of the plops with a sparkling 90%. "Individual cubicles containing a loo, sink and paper towels", reported staff. "Regularly cleaned. Mood lighting and soft close toilet lids," they said. "Doesn't get much better".

In joint second, Shearman & Sterling (86%) offered loos which were "always clean", said a trainee (F) with "no gaps under the walls of the cubicles" providing unparalleled privacy. Although automatic flushing did, said another trainee (M), "lead to you sometimes forget to flush at home". "Beautiful", said a non-fee-earner (F), "I prefer to shower at work than at home - the loos are like being at a spa"Burges Salmon (86%) had "proper posh" loos, said a non-fee-earner (F), although the lighting "highlights every single grey hair and should be altered for the good of my self-esteem", according to a senior solicitor (F).

Staff reported that Slaughter and May (80%) plumbed itself into the future with a unisex loo, and fixed the pipes on the 4th floor "so the toilets are no longer filled to the brim with excrement". Floor-to-ceiling doors "make for an indulgently private toilet experience", said a senior solicitor (M), although, said a junior colleague, "if you do a huge shit and need to double-flush you might be in trouble". Good to know. "Like a festival", said a senior solicitor (M) at Reed Smith (78%), "prime bog time is after the morning clean". But "woe betide any weekend or evening visitor, who is pummeled with a stench straight from the Regency period".

The facilities at Kirkland & Ellis (75%) were "very nice", said a senior solicitor (M) and "cleaned almost hourly". And, said a colleague, "mouthwash on the client floor is great for the chainsmokers". But an NQ said the loos were "definitely Kirkland's one big failing". The gaps on the door "are too high", the floor "is very shiny - one feels very exposed in the stall", and the flushing mechanism "could be stronger... when your deal is turning to shit the last thing you need is to see your own bobbing back at you after an ineffective flushing".

  "Hello! Did you remember to insert the amended indemnities? You didn't did you? You failed!" 

"Two years later", said a junior solicitor (M) at Squire Patton Boggs (73%), "the Phantom Fapper still stalks the gents toilets on the first floor". Every now and then "I can hear the deep breaths and strained grunts coming out of the neighbouring cubicle as the lad tugs himself through the morning". It's "obvious" he's streaming illicit porn, "and we're working with IT to find out who's getting the lion's share of our office bandwidth". The move by Gowling WLG (73%) to offices in More London saw "massive improvement" in cubicle standards, said a senior solicitor (M). "They are gently lit, sealed and silent. More like places for quiet contemplation than noisy shit boxes".

The loos at Mills & Reeve (72%) were "always kept clean and tidy by Jane", said a non-fee-earner (F), "who is lovely and a great part of 'the family'". She'd better be a close relative if she was in the Cambridge office. It "still suffers" from thewaste pipe for the whole building passing through the IT training room. Apparently "an unnoticed leak built up over a few weeks until the laws of physics combined with faulty plumbing dropped several weeks worth of poo into the roof space and onto the kit". A lawyer said the clean up "took weeks".

There were "top notch" loos at Addleshaw Goddard (71%), said a senior solicitor (M), "although when making a deposit there is ALWAYS a cleaner waiting to enter immediately after. Embarrassing all round". Also, said a paralegal (M), "the lights are on a short timer, plunging you into darkness and arm-waving if you spend more than a very brief time sitting on the stool". However the loos in Edinburgh "are abysmal", said a colleague (M), partly because "at least one cubicle is regularly blocked by the efforts of one individual's foot long turds. I hate that I can recognise that there is only one person responsible". 

At Dentons (71%), the loo paper "has got thicker since the MMS combination", claimed a partner (M), "I am not sure whether the two events are in any way linked". At Clifford Chance (70%), there "seems to be something wrong with the plumbing", said a junior solicitor (M), "which results in all the bowls filling up nearly to the seat with liquid that looks suspiciously like the canteen's onion soup". "We have toilet brushes in every cubicle", said a non-fee-earner, "but I don't know why as the animals on the 29th don't use them after the Monday 11am pooplosion fanfare".

Although there was disgruntlement at the removal of paper hand towels, many at Macfarlanes (70%) agreed that that loo quality had improved immeasurably since the move to the new building. Only a paramilitary paralegal demurred. "Before moving into our new building", he said, "the toilets locked with an extremely satisfying sound indistinguishable from that produced by the cocking of a shotgun, which allowed one to momentarily fantasise that one was part of a Special Forces unit in the British Army, and not the holder of a desk job in a solicitors' firm".
Tip Off ROF


Anonymous 16 March 18 11:54

These are very good.

Always keep paper towels. in fact one reason I like working at home with 5000 sq foot to myself without other humans is that I get a very clean proper towelling towel which is also warm to wash my hands and face with after wards. Paper towels are next best and those awful machines are worse as you cannot easily dry your face even.

Anonymous 17 March 18 09:36

Anonymous at 11.54 - whatever you’re doing on the toilet that you need to wash your face afterwards, you’re doing it wrong.

Anonymous 17 March 18 12:40

Whilst we love the toilets at two birds we need better air fresheners! They are so nice I think some just prefer to do their business here rather than at home