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Lighthearted thread on which to make embarrassing admissions

OK, I'll go first:

1. I eat a portion of asparagus every day - mainly because it's healthy but also because asparagus pee makes me chuckle; and

2. I only present my Waitrose card if I have a "good" basket. If it's full of booze, mags and chocolate, I don't.

I once sleepwalked into the wrong bed in my house, got into bed naked with my sister-in-law and my boner was rubbing up her back.  She lay there for a while not knowing what to do and made her escape when I went for a piss.  After my piss I went back to my actual room where my wife and sister-in-law were both in bed, mortified.

"Have I done something wrong?" I asked?

**nods**

"Like, call the Police wrong?"

Thankfully everyone saw the funny side eventually.

How do you get good asparagus all year round?

My embarrassing admission is that as a kid I went round to a friend's house with my parents and then Saildog who ate my mate's guniea pigs.  Almost 35 years later I'm still reminded of this unfortunate incident.

Judy if you ever find yourself short for time in terms of cooking fresh asparagus, notably an asparagus Cup-a-Soup is enough to send my piss whiffy.  Maybe keep some in for emergencies.

Presumably it was the sort of 'sleepwalking' that occurs after a couple of G&Ts and a bottle of red.. 

I once did a wee in the hall way of the shared home I lived in at law school while doing a similar sort of sleepwalking.  My rather straight-laced house mate was not amused... Not amused at all.  Weirdly, afterwards I could remember having had a wee but was absolutely convinced it had been in the downstairs loo.  

I have done many embarrassing things 

Many many

Of those so am happy to report I would say that accidentally texting my m7 Dave instead of Mrs W was worst.  They were and still are next to each other in my phone contacts.  "Thank you for the night of absolute filth".

Judo i will Sapp u my even worse one

After being team captain for a university sports event in Blackpool I got very drunk. I had a vague memory of getting up to use the toilet in the night. 

When I got up and staggered downstairs, the very camp elderly owner of the hotel leered at me and asked me if I'd had a good sleep.

Apparently at around 7am I'd been sleepwalking round the hotel, presumably looking for a bathroom, in "gaping" (his word) boxers, while being cheered on by a hen party. 

 

Judo i'm really bothered by the idea that you might eat imported asparagus.  It's nothing like as good.

 

The rest of your post is excellent though, would recommend.

I've twice woken up naked sleep walking in hotels.

Pro-tip you can generally find a maids closet in the fire escape stairwells to procure a dressing gown.

James has reminded me of turning the wrong way in my hotel room in Madrid after the first night of a stag weekend so I ended up in the corridor instead of the bathroom.  Strolled down to reception and simply asked if I could have another keycard before heading back to my room.

Yeah I have some good sleepwalking ones too.

Worst was probably when I forgot I was at Dave's house and turned left out of the room to where the bog would have been in my house.  Mrs Dave senior caught me sleep weeing over their golden retriever...

I've twice woken up naked sleep walking in hotels.

Pro-tip you can generally find a maids closet in the fire escape stairwells to procure a dressing gown.

I've done this twice.  Once in the grim Harpenden House Hotel where there were no linen cupboards and I had to go downstairs to reception cupping my genitals and asking to be let back in.  Sadly I had then forgot my room number so the young Polish receptionist had to look me up.  Felt like an AGE before she got my room number, and an eternity walking with her to the room.  The other one was at the Tamburlaine in Cambridge - had to descend in the lift FFS.  When the bloke let me in he noted I'd bent off the door handle trying to force my way back in.

I now sleep in pants and a t-shirt in hotels and it hasn't happened for a while.

There is nothing more glorious than English asparagus in the period from St George's Day to the summer solstice.

Currently, I am making do with imported asparagus from Peru.

Years ago I had hurt my foot at work but needed to carry on, even though I didn't have clients that day. The foot was swelling to the point I could no longer wear my shoes.  One of the office staff kindly offered to run down to the mall and bring me back something comfortable. All I asked was that they be dark, preferably blue or black. She brought back the bluest (think peacock blue), fluffiest pair of slippers I've ever seen. 

They were so awful we all cracked up laughing and I was torn between going bare-foot and putting them on. The need for some cushioning of my foot won the day so I wore them. 

I made sure that wherever I was sitting that day I elevated my foot so the slipper could be seen in all its glory. 

My French exchange pal Francois lived on a farm.  His dad grew asparagus and tomatoes, I thought I didn't like asparagus until we had them for dinner one day with some hollandaise made with their chickens' eggs.  Mon dieu

There's a guy up the road from me who gets excellent asparagus straight from one of the local farms and I go and see him pretty much every day during the season to buy it absolutely fresh.

also the with the Waitrose card, they send you vouchers for the foodstuffs you most often buy.  

It was well embarrassing to get vouchers only for fizzy water, fizzy wine, orange ice-lollies, and choco Leibniz

@Sails, this is true - my most-purchased item was Alphabites, for shame. I worried they'd kick me out of myWaitrose for that... (DS has autism and they're "safe"). 

I only buy asparagus when it's fresh at the local farm, but I like to combine it with a Berocca so I can chuckle at stinky Chernobyl-coloured wee. 

I was brought up to be very polite Liz.  After we had finished I shook her hand and said "Well done".

Orange quarters at half time? Or is that just the Tory MPs?

has anyone else lost one shoe, but not the other, on a night out?

Peruvian asparagus is disastrous environmentally- not only because of the obvious air miles, but also because it is depriving less commercial local farmers of water supplies

Staying at my GF’s house early in lockdown the sequel. Thought I’d have myself a cheeky w**k (hard to have sex when parents are about). Forgot about the reminder re: wonky door lock in the half bathroom. Took comfort in believing I was secure. GF’s mom walked in. Full mast. Mortified on both counts. 

Very British. Neither spoke of it. Haven’t even told my gf. 

Tried to leave the pub covertly with a below par girl.  Double bogey I'd say.  Mate lived north of the pub so walked her out in the south direction.  He caught me half way down the high street having made a trip south to the chicken shop before going home

Point of order: a double bogey is 2 over par, not under 

I am trying to think of a suitably whimsical story for this thread but I think I just block all my embarrassing moments out 

 

I was on a language course in Germany when I was 17 and shared a room with an Italian lad who was a twot. I was m8s with a frenchie in the next room who was alright. One night we were just hanging out talking and I had a bottle of coke that I finished and left in the room.

Next day we get back from lessons and the family are being really arsy with me. Finally the mother says it was you who poured coke over the Italian boy last night wasn't it. The sheets were yellow so I thought he'd pissed himself and was embarrassed.  Except the pillow was covered in it as well. He said when he got in late I was talking in my sleep. Only explanation is that I got up in the night and sleep pissed on him.

Me too, tc, I seem to have nothing! I feel that I've let the side down by never having sleepwalked naked, or accidentally had sex or w**ked in front of the parents of my partner.

I also remember a drunken "transaction" where the price was negotiated in my mind in Ukrainian hryvnia and in the other parties mind in USD. So we ended up taking the middle of the spread in GBP.

Judy/Martian - in a word, no. 

I fled their home aka my support bubble under the guise that I had to get home to work. Except I paralegal and can do the job from anywhere. 

Am returning for Sunday lunch so will keep you posted. Though I assume I’ll spend my day staring at plate/tv/shoes. 

GF hasn’t mentioned either so suspect it’s a secret we will take to our grave?

Peri, oh dear. Modest? She is a very nice woman and ohmygod this will be dreadful forever. Could be worse. I could have told actually human beings I know so the embarrassment I feel presently pails in comparison.  

I was once so drunk at a wedding reception that ex husband decided it was time for me to go to bed at about 8pm. Some friends came to check on me (a couple) about an hour later and I was lying stark naked on the bed. 
 

 

Uni girlfriend, first time to her parents (massive) house. For some reason her dad took against me. 
 

Got up in the night for a wee and had to choose from about ten different doors. Chose the one that I thought was the toilet and ended up walking naked into her dad’s study. Whilst he was in there. Didn’t really improve my standing with him (he was a gimp anyway tbh)
 

 

As an articled clerk a lifetime ago, one morning I chose to sport a bow tie, 'twas early in my first seat (in my defence it was a hand tied bow tie).  Head of dept. "Mack, the Knife", wandered into the office I was sat in and told a story.  He said there had been a chap in his intake, when dinos roamed, that had turned up in brown shoes.  He said he was not kept on and wandered out.  I was across Cheapside faster than fcuk to the tie shop that was there back then.

I recently absent-mindedly walked out of M&S with a full basket of shopping. I'd got half way home before realising I hadn't paid and thought, "Too late to turn back now" hurried to my flat, ditched the basket in the trash and set about eating and drinking the evidence. The wine still had the alarm thingy on so it's a wonder it didn't go off.

Whilst at Tesco on Tuesday I needed to buy a cauliflower, I stood in front of them for ages thinking these aren't quite right. Have just realised I bought a cabbage instead.

 

guess it will be potato and cabbage curry for dinner tonight 

Avi's story reminds me of the story* of junior banker at some posho shop like Caz who turned up wearing a shirt with a pocket. Boss ripped the pocket off and gave him £50 to go out and buy a proper shirt.

*quite probably apocryphal as it seems to have happened to half of London's banker's m7s.

Fact 1. I wear glasses and cannot see very far without them on. I often stagger back from the bathroom to dress in the bedroom without them and there is a comic moment as I try and work out where the fook they are.  

Fact 2. When the kids were young we briefly had a Colombian home help who lived in the convent up the road and was considering becoming a nun.  She was sweet and very Holy Roman.

We lived in a house that had a staircase which turned to a landing outside the bedroom and bathroom. From the flat turn point a few steps down from the landing you were facing the door of the bathroom and your head was about 3 foot above the level of the landing. 

I got out of a shower one morning and discovered that the kids had taken all the towels. I didn't have my glasses on. I planned to do a run across to the airing cupboard to grab a towel. Someone was coming up stairs but at that time it was only going to be my wife as the au pair wasn't due to come for another hour. I opened the door and looked across to the airing cupboard on the landing and the nun was about 2 foot from my genitals, head height.  She flared her eyes then actually crossed herself and said "Santa Maria" and put her hands over her eyes. Then she ran into the children's room and started weeping.

I scuttled to get dressed. I came out and said sorry to her and that it was an accident and that I thought she was my wife and she said, in her broken English "Not your wife" I said "I know that now and sorry for what you have gone through." She said "I have never seen worse".

That last line was the worst bit about all of it. 

Lolling at Santa Maria-ing mutters’ tackle

also laughing v v hard at LA walking home with an M&S basket of shopping

and phoebe with the cabbage/cauli.

good times, guys 

Heh @12

We once had an incident in a B&B in York where Mrs W forced the door off the shower because of the same reasons (it was an inny not an outy).  We managed to convince the very nice landlady that it just fell off.

I was busy having a full cooked brekkie at the time.

No. I have a pretty normal body.

I think her English made it funny.  She might have said "I've never been so embarrassed" or "I've never been in such a dreadful situation". I genuinely don't think she was making a penis evaluation, to be entirely clear with you. I suspect she was barely qualified to do so, and that made the horror of the situation so much worse.  She is now a nun by the way, back in Bogota. I feel I may have pushed that decision along a bit.

also, and sorry if you are eating, you have to remember that I was soaking wet. glistening and catching the morning light on certain angles.   It was pretty much like being pointed at, accusingly, or like a 3-d depiction of Da Vinci's God Creating Adam for the poor woman.

I would hope it is not to scale, the frescoes on the sistine ceiling are fooking massive.  It would make you have a nob longer than 3 foot.  We would have to force you to rebrand as Jake the Peg

"I once spent 4 hours believing I was locked in a room when in fact it was a 'pull' door not a 'push' door."

LOLing so much at this, mostly because it is precisely the kind of thing I would do.

12 😂🤣😂

I didn’t realise for years that David Blunkett was blind because I only ever listen to r4 so never watch the news so just didn’t get it.

I also thought that Richie Cunningham - Ron Howard, was the founder of Scientology ... 

 

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