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Let your next career move come to you.

I have a friend whose relentless positivity about

Young Gwenners's condition I find very difficult to cope with. She may be trying to help by putting a positive spin on things but most of the time I am sufficiently delusional to do that myself. I feel that she is diminishing the bloody awfulness of the situation so that she can dismiss me from her mind. Much easier for her to feel that I am being a reclusive stick in the mud rather than accept that I am in a difficult situation. Any advice on how I deal with this?

It's not me, it's my daughter. She has severe anorexia. Has spent 3 of the last 4 years in various hospitals.  Is currently out of hospital. We are keeping going but it is very tough.

Gwenners, she may not be putting a positive spin on it for you but for herself. She may not want to face the potential consequences because she does not want to imagine your daughter suffering.

Dump friend. You have enough on your plate. She may be trying to “cheer you up” (it’s not working) or as said above, it may be too much for her to deal with (but that’s her issue, not yours). I would probably send her some black and white facts about what’s going on, rage and then never speak to her again, but you may not be such a friendship arsonist. In which case just fade her out. 

Sympathy to you. 

Just be honest. "Thanks for your kind words. I'm also trying to stay positive but right now it's a struggle, and I'm tired."

Say that a few times and if she doesn't get the message simply say "That's not helping today."

I don't know how much time you spend with your friend but if the relentless (and selfish) positivity is too wearing on you could choose to spend less time with her. 

I'm sorry to hear your daughter has anorexia Gwen, and the emotional exhaustion for you and your family. It sounds tough.

 

I knew a stunningly beautiful 16 year old with severe anorexia 

I sat her down one day and asked her what the fcuk she thought she was playing at

She said it was all about control . It was the  only area in her life where she felt she had some control 

Mind she had pushy parents which may have had something to do with it

With the pressure on girls today, one parent families, internet porn etc I'm surprised more aren't anorexic tbh.   

Almost creepier sounding than me.  Good work.

Gwen, loads of people are like this about stuff they don’t understand, it’s a pain but just grit your teeth.  She probably thinks she’s being ultra supportive.

 

Yes Tecco I am sure she does think she is being as supportive as she can and that I am being awkward / useless. (We have also had the "Why is it taking you so long to sort out YG?" "It just is ok. There is feck all we can do about it other than be patient and try not to go mad. And no, chucking money at the problem does not help. We wish it would".)

Difficult if not impossible to tell her to feck off as she is so entwined into my life here. I think I shall just have to keep on battering down the dismissive positivities. Unfortunately that takes energy which is in short supply. She is not at all receptive to having it laid down in black and white and sometimes I find myself lost for words when dealing with her face to face. This is not how I usually am.

Bernstein I know it is about control. I am so unpushy I could scarcely move a paper bag. YG's life did spiral out of control which was definitely a trigger (e.g her dad developed MS, we moved to Wales, her first pet dog died in its sleep at 10 months unexpectedly). Shit happens.

Believe me when I say that you are not alone in struggling to try to explain to people what a genuine mental health problem is like.  Often they just don’t get it ever.

Yes all you can do is grit your teeth and forge on 

'We called in the darkness, Watchman, will the night soon pass?

The  watchman only said:  'the morning will come, even though  it is still  night;

The night will pass and the day will come'

How frequently does your friend visit your daughter in hospital?

How frequently does your friend offer to help you out with routine chores? Shopping? Cook you a meal you can reheat at home? Weeding your garden? Washing your car?

Convert each expression of concern from her  into an explicit request from you for a task you  need doing - so freeing up time for you to look after your daughter. And yourself: how about some spa time?

She’ll either shut up or you’ll get lots of help. 

What Girkl said.  Try adding "I know you are saying this from a good place, but it's making things harder for me" if it doesn't sink in.

Failing that, do you have a mutual friend who could have a word with her?

And I'm really sorry to hear you are facing this. I have a family member with an eating disorder.  It's utterly sh1t.

I can't disentwine myself entirely because that would drive a tank through our circle of friends. I am certainly distancing myself for the sake of my sanity

Young Gwenners would not want to be visited by her in hospital and tbf the last hospital was 100 miles away. Would rather just carry on with the mundane chores - to involve her would make me more not less stressed.

I hate spas.

Maybe she has problems, and is somewhat tired of hearing about your problems all the time?

Not saying you are like this, but from experience it can be exhausting and frustrating listening to an never ending stream of problems from someone who seems to think no else has any.

I wouldn't be too hard on her actually.  She probably wants to keep your spirits up

Best to deal with her comments by quoting scripture.  'God will deal with it in his own way' etc

MH I don't initiate discussions with her about YG for exactly that reason. However she sometimes asks me about YG or comments on having seen her and that is where the problems occur.

 

Sorry to hear this Gwen. 

My sister had a bad teenage and 20s  life with anorexia and it was a great worry for my parents and the family. 

I think they did not talk to people about it. This makes me wonder if perhaps you can do better AND address the problem in your OP.

You can, I think, gain two benefits from talking to this person about the issue and ask her to tweak her approach. You can explain you want to talk about it and you trust her, your know her approach is well intended but you find it difficult because of the pressure you’re all under and the fact that it isn’t getting better and you’re beyond blind optimism. Now is the time you want someone to engage on the truth of the issues it presents and that’s not open to constant optimism. Could she maintain her helpful role but to bear to talk to you about the real issues, not to cure but to listen and just give support?

if yes, you’re in and you can say ‘hey you’re doing it now’ when she gives palliative positive. 

If she says no then you can easily say never mind, thank you for what you’ve done and let’s move on (then ignore her thereafter in a way she will understand as she chose to butt out). 

Dear Mary etc

hope this helps. KBO. A lot of what we do in our adult life is a stamina test. 

 

 

 

 

 

Big hugs. 

Another perspective. 

A lot of people just can't deal with difficult things and adopt this kind of super positive attitude because they just don't know any other way to deal with it. 

My friend with terminal cancer had this.. everyone would tell her that she couldn't think/talk/discuss issues around end of life and death because that would be bad for her as a lack of positivity. 

The real issue however was they didn't want to deal with the reality of her terminal condition themselves. 

I would suggest having a single difficult conversation with this person along the lines of. 

Thank you for your concern, however please understand that your words do not have the effect you may be aiming for. Your constant attempts at positivity make me feel like you are are patronizing me and undermine the deeply serious and distressing events and issues that both I and YG are dealing with. If you are not able to deal with the realities of this situation in an empathetic and understanding manner without making me feel this way then for the sake of my own mental wellbeing I do not wish to ever discuss these issues with you again. 

Good advice but it may be a bit of a ((gulp)) to take on that assertive message right now which could be perceived as combative and make a bad situation more stressful for Gwenners. 

 

I favour the Scylla approach though I will have to pick my moment and it will be less elegantly expressed. I doubt if it will make the slightest difference. She is on a different planet. There is a lot of back history and I am not supposed to have problems.

 

Hi

Really sorry to hear you are going through this.  

I had something similar (different situation but same dynamic).  Over time I got them to change standpoint but never addressed them head on about it, as such.

Stuff like, “I can understand it’s important to stay positive but the reality is xyz” or, “Yes but the problem with that is...” or, “Well generally that might be right but...”

Probably out of cowardice because I didn’t want a row (it was a close family member) and also I knew that in their way they were trying to help.

Actually moved it to a pretty good place over about a year.

Dunno if that’s of use, but anyway there it is

 

Gwenners.

The other option is simply not to respond when she asks questions about YG. Just don't engage on this topic with her.

A simple 'Thanks for your concern but I'm not comfortable discussing that with you'. If she persists asking questions just stick to the same statement and change the subject.

If she asks why, then as above. 

Again, you don't need to justify to anyone what issues you are and are not prepared to discuss with them and you don't owe them any information.

This in particular has been a HUGE lesson for me over the last two years with my health. 

I've had to deal with a whole bunch of people whose only interest in knowing anything about my well being was so they could use that information to their own advantage or engage in gossip. 

Realising that just because someone asks you something doesn't mean that a) they actually care, and b) that you have to tell them is actually really quite empowering. 

 

Scylla probably has it as to her motive, well that or she is just a totally selfish ar8ehole, there are lots of those around as well 'but it's just so inconvenient you having to deal with your ill daughter when I want to you do X with me...' 

Despite the attractiveness of it as a theory, talking to people to try to get them to change their behavior around this type of thing rarely does any good in my experience. Usually they are just offended and get huffy. 

Personally I would just try to avoid discussing it with her.  It doesn't sound like you particularly like her so it seems reasonably unlikely you really want to be able to confide in her.  Just be firm when you have to and need space.  If she asks about Gwen Jnr just say 'oh, you know, it's hard but we are dealing with it as best we can and trying to stay positive'.  Shut down the conversation neither of you want to have before it goes far enough to annoy you. 

*hugs* by the way. The whole thing sounds really, really sh1t for both your daughter and you and your husband.  Hope it gets better for you. In the meantime KBO and enjoy the bits of your life you can enjoy as best you can. 

 

 

 

If anyone would like a bitter sweet story, a chum of ours who lost her severely disabled son last year has announced she is up the bun with twins.  I think this shows that God is a cvnt but not ALL the time.  

I should be a vicar with sermons like that.

Gweeners… 

 

In my experience those people who have enough self awareness to ask themselves if they are being an unreasonable twot... aren't. 

It's those people who are so absolutely certain of themselves and never ask themselves that question that are the truly awful twots. 

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