The greatest Goal Bastard in history

An player who contributed virtually nothing except scoring lots and lots of goals.

King of the Goal Bastards is obvs Pippo Inzaghi.

we heard an anecdote abar him. When he joined a new team, his team mates were in tears laughing at him during the first training session at how shit he was. Couldn’t trap a ball, pass etc. He scored a hat trick on his debut.

 

honourable mentions for Mario Jardel and David Trezeguet

If you're talking players who do nothing but "poach" then inzaghi and lineker are in a class of their own.  John Fashanu and Shane Long are lesser known examples 

Mido has to be up there.  He was comically shyte.  I recall watching him at whl against Newcastle I think where he accidentally scored with his bum by just generally being in the way when someone shot

All the good ones are taken. Van Nistelrooy must get a special mention for being such an utter bastard as well as scoring shedloads of tapins. Literally a goal bastard. 

Top player all the same. 

As soon as I saw the thread title I thought Van Nistlerooy.

It’s good that the game has improved so much that this type of player doesn’t exist anymore at elite levels.  You have players like Cavani instead, who as well as poach, track back and are good at set pieces.

Fair point re Shane Long. I was thinking of people who had managed to get to a pro level without having any discernible football skill

Dean Holdsworth? He scored a fair amount. Ditto Michael Owen who was simply fast (and a poacher)

Great thread Heamo. I won’t pretend to have a definitive answer, and I agree Inzaghi’s claim is strong. 

I’d just like to mention Mick Quinn. In his own words (paraphrase): I was shit in the air unless I was in the six yard box. I was shit slow except over five yards in the penalty area, when I was fast as fuck. My first touch was crap, unless it was a shot.

His memoirs are a decent read

owen was more than a goal bastard, but he was still a fucking brilliant one

the baby faced boy wonder with the nerveless callie of the gjostface killer

his finest moment, the almost imperceptible shoulder-drop to sit the Brazil keeper down, for the opening goal in the 2002 QF

No. Shearer is the absolute opposite of a goal bastard, and got more so the older he got. Even when he was 36 I saw him running the channels tirelessly while Craig Bellamy buzzed in the middle. Shearer would come to the half way line to collect the ball. He was a fucking trojan.

nah, shearer could take a fk which takes a certain level of talent imo

imagine inzaghi trying to score from outside the box? The ball wouldnt even reach the 6 yard box

 

shearer had an absolutely immense amount of talent and versatility

if he hadn’t have remained an outstanding centre forward until his mid thirties, he could have played centre half

Think scoring is quite a different skill to anything else on the pitch.  You can see otherwise complete footballers who fall to pieces inside the box when they have a chance to score.  I think a big striker would be better at centre back than a defender would be up front.  But very few strikers would be any good in defence at the top level. 

"But he was not exactly a world beater in either position. Indeed, his name being read out on the teamsheet was often met with groans by fans inside White Hart Lane".

Heh

Would Inzaghi have had a career if VAR had been around then? At the very least every game would have taken about double the time with all the checks. Wasn’t he caught offside 19 times in a game once?

A lot of the world cup golden boot winners of times gone by probably fit the bill.

linekar, gerd muller, schillaci (cunt), rossi, kempes...

 

worth busting another myth. Apart from 1970, brazil teams have never been good to watch and normally comprise 2-3 tricksters in front of 8 functional hardmen and one maverick fullback who should really be played up front

dollapat, Solskjaer developed into a pretty handy winger later in his career and notched a fair number of assists. He was a bit of a goal bastard for most of his time at Man Utd though.