The greatest Goal Bastard in history

An player who contributed virtually nothing except scoring lots and lots of goals.

King of the Goal Bastards is obvs Pippo Inzaghi.

we heard an anecdote abar him. When he joined a new team, his team mates were in tears laughing at him during the first training session at how shit he was. Couldn’t trap a ball, pass etc. He scored a hat trick on his debut.


honourable mentions for Mario Jardel and David Trezeguet

He was a decent enough player though. I think Van Nistelrooy was more of a goal bastard

Nah, he was garbage

Miroslav Klose was an international level goal bastard

Jardel was the first one that came to mind.

Also: Phillips, Papin, Huntelaar, Morientes, A. Cole, Higuain, Immobile

Football’s been cancelled, soz. The money is needed in other parts of the economy. We’ll let you know if and when it’s back in stock.


immobile is a fine example of nominative determinism.

klose is a great shout. Klinsmann too perhaps

If you're talking players who do nothing but "poach" then inzaghi and lineker are in a class of their own.  John Fashanu and Shane Long are lesser known examples 

Mido has to be up there.  He was comically shyte.  I recall watching him at whl against Newcastle I think where he accidentally scored with his bum by just generally being in the way when someone shot

All the good ones are taken. Van Nistelrooy must get a special mention for being such an utter bastard as well as scoring shedloads of tapins. Literally a goal bastard. 

Top player all the same. 

ML unfortunately Shane Long wasn’t much of a goal bastard when he managed to go about a year without scoring 

Shane Long is a terrible shout. He barely ever scores goals.

Van Nistelrooy probably one of the best shouts. Simply always in right place at the right time.

Klose and, to a lesser extent, Thomas Muller. Neither are particularly fast, or strong, or good in the air. They're not really good at any particular attribute, they just have a knack for scoring goals. 

Couple of other shouts - Robbie Fowler and Romario

As soon as I saw the thread title I thought Van Nistlerooy.

It’s good that the game has improved so much that this type of player doesn’t exist anymore at elite levels.  You have players like Cavani instead, who as well as poach, track back and are good at set pieces.

this type of player doesn’t exist anymore at elite levels

Thomas Muller

I thought Thomas Muller was nearing the end of his career, but appaz he's only 30!

Fair point re Shane Long. I was thinking of people who had managed to get to a pro level without having any discernible football skill

Dean Holdsworth? He scored a fair amount. Ditto Michael Owen who was simply fast (and a poacher)

Yeah Shane long is pretty much the opposite of a goal bastard 

whoever said vieiri needs to behave themselves

Javier 'Chicharito' Hernandez.


The ball just seemed to bounce off him into the goal while he was at United.

Michael Owen was much more than a goal bastard. Shame about his ghost knees.

Great thread Heamo. I won’t pretend to have a definitive answer, and I agree Inzaghi’s claim is strong. 

I’d just like to mention Mick Quinn. In his own words (paraphrase): I was shit in the air unless I was in the six yard box. I was shit slow except over five yards in the penalty area, when I was fast as fuck. My first touch was crap, unless it was a shot.

His memoirs are a decent read

owen was more than a goal bastard, but he was still a fucking brilliant one

the baby faced boy wonder with the nerveless callie of the gjostface killer

his finest moment, the almost imperceptible shoulder-drop to sit the Brazil keeper down, for the opening goal in the 2002 QF

Ruud Van absolutely got under the skin of everyone as well, complete goal bastard. 

John Aldridge was a bit of a tap in merchant, although tbf had a bit more of an all round game than Rush or Lineker

Early era Owen was a pocket ronaldo

late era Owen was a goal bastard 

Shearer has to get a mention too here doesn’t he?

No. Shearer is the absolute opposite of a goal bastard, and got more so the older he got. Even when he was 36 I saw him running the channels tirelessly while Craig Bellamy buzzed in the middle. Shearer would come to the half way line to collect the ball. He was a fucking trojan.

nah, shearer could take a fk which takes a certain level of talent imo

imagine inzaghi trying to score from outside the box? The ball wouldnt even reach the 6 yard box


shearer had an absolutely immense amount of talent and versatility

if he hadn’t have remained an outstanding centre forward until his mid thirties, he could have played centre half

yes, and he knew what forwards get up to

he also worked well in partnerships

thats basically what being a CB is

he could also pass better than most defenders, or for that matter most number 9s

Shearer was a truly world class footballer

u mancs just be sobbin’ because he fucked off the shite United and chose the right 1

nearly all target man type strikers could play CB

SHEARER was brilliant at CF so he’d have been brilliant at CB

Being a CB is mostly about positioning, and there's no guarantee that Shearer would be any good at that.  Being strong and good in the air isn't enough imo

Think scoring is quite a different skill to anything else on the pitch.  You can see otherwise complete footballers who fall to pieces inside the box when they have a chance to score.  I think a big striker would be better at centre back than a defender would be up front.  But very few strikers would be any good in defence at the top level. 

U can't argue with shearaz goal record.  He cocked out by not going to manU to win something.

Chris Sutton and Dion Dublin both pretty decent CBs in their day

"But he was not exactly a world beater in either position. Indeed, his name being read out on the teamsheet was often met with groans by fans inside White Hart Lane".


Would Inzaghi have had a career if VAR had been around then? At the very least every game would have taken about double the time with all the checks. Wasn’t he caught offside 19 times in a game once?

Just seen Adebayor was the most offside player ever in the PL with 328 instances (I was 4th somehow on 238). 

wasn't there anothe rblacburn player , not sutton, who played centre abck and ctre forward?

Don't think he played at the back

every team had a player like this abar 20 year ago. An extinct species now. Shame.

A lot of the world cup golden boot winners of times gone by probably fit the bill.

linekar, gerd muller, schillaci (cunt), rossi, kempes...


worth busting another myth. Apart from 1970, brazil teams have never been good to watch and normally comprise 2-3 tricksters in front of 8 functional hardmen and one maverick fullback who should really be played up front

dollapat, Solskjaer developed into a pretty handy winger later in his career and notched a fair number of assists. He was a bit of a goal bastard for most of his time at Man Utd though.

Jimmy Greaves,  didn't like to score if it was from more than 10 yards out!

pinkus, yes I was thinking of paul warhurst who i thought was pretty good.  I think he had a bad injury