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What would you think of someone who has little or no contact with their child?

Not for social services reasons, just a breakup with the other parent followed by estrangement.

And would you feel differently if the estranged parent was a woman or a man?

Assume the other partner would be open to contact there's no obstruction or serious bad blood.

(Ps my answer is each to their own maybe the kid is a nightmare)

depends

I can only think of one person who I know (or knew, since none of his former friends see him either)  who fits the description and to the extent that I think about him I judge him harshly because he chose not to see his children instead of having the court required supervised access after he had been convicted of child porn offences

Actually, leaving aside judgement of the gross offending, I can understand choosing not to do supervised contact. 

I hadn't thought of the excluding because of a new partner thing. The person I am thinking of is now single and i think just not suited for parenthood and I know mutuals judge but I can imagine being the same tbh. 

The little person didn’t choose to be here. Or know or care about it’s parents ifs, buts, maybes, hopes or dreams. 

By no fault of its own, here it is. And the people who wrought this have an eternal responsibility to deal. 

there is no defence of “but I didn’t want that”. Even if you had a vasectomy and triple bagged (yeah. right. lol) D’you think it puts it on the little person rather than you? 
 

 

I guess I don't agree, gannicus. But fortunately it is not my problem. I think it must be a nightmare to have to keep that a bit secret in the knowledge that people would mostly judge you for it.

I would judge it because I think it is vital for children to feel loved by their parents, especially when they are young. I would judge it harder if it was a woman because I think it’s unnatural to give birth to a child and then not want the best for it, and also because I have seen the consequence of a mother’s rejection.
 

My Aunt left her 2 y/o son in the primary care of her husband (partly because my cousin was a handful but mostly to punish her husband for cheating on her). After that she rarely bothered to see my cousin, who was raised by his wealthy but incompetent father.  Thanks to his fooked up childhood (and despite being sent to top schools and inherenting millions at age 21) my cousin had at least one stint in prison that I’m aware of and died of a drug overdose a couple of years ago. My aunt did not attend the funeral. She’s a fooking aunt. I’m getting mad just thinking about it. 
 

I've seen pretty horrendous cases where the mum and dad have hated each other so much and been such aunts to each other that it was barely impossible for either to raise their child without focusing on point scoring over wellbeing of child. 

 

I'd like to think if Mrs B when mental and was insistent on ruining out kids' lives so long I was around, I'd love them enough to walk away. It would fooking hurt but if it meant they were raised properly and unfooked up I'd do it 

I dunno hools. There is that but if I'd been a right aunt and sent her mental against me...

I'd prefer it if she went back to normal if I was out of the picture and the kids got a normal upbringing albeit one without their dad

 

I agree it's an unlikely scenario

Depends on the reason.

was estranged from my mother for 8 years and my father for 2 for different reasons.

i don’t like either of them but swallow it for the sake of the kids to whom in their own way they are trying to be a bit better towards (they are always supervised by me when have access)

Bam I agree in such a scenario walking away may be better. Just like giving a child up for adoption may be better.
 

My response is to a scenario where there’s no obstruction or significant hostility etc by the other parent. 

I couldn't do what Bam described.  I just couldn't. Not saying there aren't circumstances where maybe it is the right thing but I couldn't do it.

My parents got divorced when I was very young (under two) and both my mother and my father shacked up with other people with frankly unseemly haste (they were both in their early 20s). I think there was a fair bit of pressure on my father from all sides to effectively walk away from me. I am very glad he didn't.

It's funny because I just find children so annoying I can't imagine not being like "ahhh phew no more of that tedium since you INSIST mad ex spouse". Is possible am unnatural in the style of Betty's aunt but then at least it's only imaginary in my case.

I also just can't judge parents who do this because I'm frankly amazed everyone doesn't. It must just be constant nip nip nip at your nerves until you go numb.

OPC’s are annoying and sometimes your own are annoying and sometimes they’re really fooking annoying

but if they weren’t there and even when they are, the thought of them not is beyond heart and gut wrenching.

it's like if you dropped your deep fried mars bar when a junkie was grabbing your handbag and you headbutted him and he fooked off greetin' but that's not going tae bring the mars bar back is it

is actually more scottish

'Child free' women are the female equivalent of 'Men go their own way'

both claim to not be interested in a thing (kids/women) and yet their whole raison d'etre is to bang on about them endlessly

its Aesopian

I would judge them extremely hard (unless there was a long and complicated backstory that involved them being a broken man for the rest of their lives due to non contact with children). Men and women who walk away from children without remorse are not good people. 

But I also judge men* who split from their first family and then shack up and start procreating with another woman with unseemly haste. Have 2 friends in this position atm; both with men with multiple kids (and “crazy” ex wives) who started trying for babies within 4 months of meeting. One friend , who went on to have said baby pretty much immediately, called me last night saying she could now see why wife no 1 left him. Um, no sh1t Sherlock, any man who’s happy to bring a child into the world with a woman he barely knows when he has an existing family he doesn’t see is unlikely to be father of the year  

 

 

* would judge a woman who does this too, just haven’t heard of it happening 

I judge hard. My cousins lives with us and then our grandma because their useless bitch of a mother walked out and never came back (we later discovered she’d done it before- we thought my uncle had one stepson but turns out she left her first husband and two kids and then went back and took *one*, leaving the other forever). One cousin is dead, drugs likely involved. The other is fantastic but had his demons in his 20s before he quit booze and drugs and took up with an excellent woman. 

I just feel like everyone who is good deserves some medals rather than everyone who is crap deserving pelters. Most people are shite with the day to day how can they be expected to cope with this??

I dated a guy off bumble for a bit, who was lovely to me, skinny, ginger,tattoos.

 

however he had a 13 year old son, that he saw maybe once a year because he wanted to live in London and the kid lived in the north. It turned out that bothered me much more than I thought it would 

dunno, my father had fook all to do with me and these days I cant be arsed with him. don't especially hold a grudge but you cant repair 30 years of neglect so why bother. see him once or twice a year.

as a father of 2 I'm fooked if I could ever understand his position and dont need to hear him justify it, he couldn't, hes basically a asperger's idiot.

 

However, if there was a weird situation where it genuinely was the best for them. I would consider it. it would probably kill me though

 

Unpopular opinion alert!

'And would you feel differently if the estranged parent was a woman or a man?'

Yes sorry to say I would. I accept that there are a multitude of reasons why either parent will decide to leave their child, but I find it deeply unconcionable if a woman had little or no contact with their child. Why, hard to say, but it's to do with having physically carried the child for 9 months and giving it life through birth...I mean...what is understood needs no explanation...that's your child! Yours! Through and through. Flesh of your flesh. Blood of your blood. As a mother who raised mine on my own, I could NEVER do that to mine. No chance now since all grown up! HAH!

There's statistically more of a chance for the woman to be left holding the baby so to disconnect from your child is a pretty low move. 

I find the value judgement weird tbh. If loving your child is hormonal surely the absence of those hormones is just bad luck? If you don't get the rush of hormones you are looks like at something that damaged your body, caused you pain and now keeps you from enjoying pleasure. 

Faod the person I am thinking of is a man it just occurred to me that it's probably even harder for women from a judging point of view.

And I think this is half the problem, like I say, what is understood needs no explanation but here you are trying to analyse that need based on the presence of hormones. Look, it's a pain you forget (hence why it's done repeatedly in many cases, the body repairs and pleasure if lost returns. The unconditional element of loving your children prevails whether they're unloveable or difficult, no idea if it's hormonal or just as it ought to be.

 

god...this thread is a bit closer to my heart. 

When i was separating and divorcing, although the underlying reasons were ex cheating, like Bam (3.09pm post), for the better future of the little one, I had to and did decide to separate and then seek a divorce as quickly as possible so that the effect of that on the little one was minimal. When you are in it, there is simply no other choice left. It was spiralling into horrific chaos otherwise. 

It did create an excruciating year of painful separation from my little little one and limited time together, but over time it has paid off. 

The ex swiftly moved on to remarry and have her own new family. I have since sought to stabilise my life and career, maintain time and build on my relation with the little one and no doubt these last 5 years have been exhausting and thrilling in equal measure. The only other person i have seen put in same level of miles, time and cost to make sure that connection and love with the kids is, alive as I have, is clubbers. 

Yes I will measure anyone (man or woman) who walks away from a child (as against never having had a child) harshly simply because, as other parents on this thread have commented (particularly bettsters comment), when you have a child, it is no longer about you. It is simply about the little one. And you have to (no ifs and buts) priortise the child. Yes it requires effort and putting yourself second or even third at times, but it is essential. 

Strutts succinct comment above says it all. 

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