Ewa woowa

to get to the other side

MOOOOO!

gravy poured out

Tooth hurty

The Aristocrats.

Nice belt.

Canaryjim

... as the actress said to the bishop.

Why the long face?

because my cap would fall over my eyes, sir

and then he claimed 2 have booked a sudden holiday

Solar powered torch

and the lettuce won!

Yes it does, doesn’t it.

No eye deer 

Dung 

Still no eye deer

Death by mau mau

A faster than light particle walked in to a bar.

"And what does the circus want a plasterer for?" said the duck.

And one that should give flashbacks to anyone I've told the joke to:

"So he shot him"

But yours was yum!

"I think I may be a Type O"

And she stepped on the ball!

Your Mum

Four.  Two in the front and two in the back.

I’m a polar bear - they help to keep me on the ice!

A stick.

For my third wish I asked for an orange for a head. 

…but you know how small minded people can be. You suck one fuc king c ock. 

Yah, you try an tell the young people of today that, and they won't believe you...

Sill no fvcking eye deer

Is it in?

Sits on a cherry pip and waits for it to grow.

Dug (Doug) 

...so I gave her a pearl necklace.

I've never had a lentil on my face.

Well fluck you Americans too. 

That's what she said!

Footprints in the butter!

Yes. And you’ve got pretty titties, too!

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, with mild green hairy lip squid

It's just vanilla ice cream.

look at that S Car Go

...if you think I'm gargling it after that lot have washed their arse in it, you can think again!

Sally Gunnell's minge during the 400 metre hurdles.

Fish, chimps and mushy bees

I'd buy that for a dollar!

Felipe Felope.

Claude

it's some cvnt from Preston

Is this some kind of joke?

police say that he topped himself

They're both fine, I'm doing Dry January

Nor me, but Edward Woodward would.

The steaks are too high. 

"And she stepped on the ball!"

Trading Places =  but always though it was the end of an unheard anecdote rather than a joke if I am being really picky.

There's 20 of them!

Cliff

Here are your cigarettes, have you seen my son's hamster?

"See, it's not funny when it's your mum, is it?"

Also, from Marty Funkhauser to Jerry Seinfeld

"PS, your c unt is in the sink"

"Put it in the microwave until it's bill withers". 

It's an entirely different kind of flying

Right. I had hoped this might get me a perfect tun but it has dropped away so, instead, I will satisfy my curiosity. There are several that I don’t know/can’t work out. Let me know, please the jokes with the following punchlines:

• Gravy poured out
• Nice belt
• Solar powered torch
• Death by mau mau
• “And what does the circus want a plasterer for?" said the duck.
• "So he shot him" (your first entry though Camenbert is my all-time fave)
• I’ve never had a lentil on my face
• Here are your cigarettes. Have you seen my son’s hamster
• It’s an entirely different kind of flying

  Based on the above, I think Camenbert wins overall.

Death by mau Mau is from

The league of gentlemen (or was it inside number 9)

Gravy poured out

Is from white men can't jump

Obvs need to watch more telly/films.

The ‘canaryjim’ one is from everyone

Lentil one is the difference between a lentil and a chickpea

Ahhh  - thanks Warwick

Lentil joke, Jim is, 'what's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?'.

The TR - Warwick had it covered!

Nice tits love, now where do you want these blinds?

A meltdown 

Fsshh

"he makes the knickers, I try them on and say Diesel Fitter"

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

"everyone knows you can only make two lips from hamster jam"

"sold his soul to Santa"

"sat up all night wondering if there really was a dog"

"one of it's legs is both the same"

"can't you tell, the black one is four inches taller than the white one"

"I don't like your horse either"

"got any bread?"

So it turns out he actually said it was acute angina.

"yeah, it's scary and I have to go back alone"

And what does the circus want a plasterer for?" said the duck

A duck walks into a bar: "can I have a cheese sandwich and a pint please?"

"Wow, did you just talk"

"Well, how else am I going to order? Hurry up, we only get 30 mins for lunch at the building site"

"But that's amazing - surely you should work for the circus" 

but you fvck one goat...

They're not laughing now.

That’s the explanation for my punchline, Foxy.

Ah, variations on a theme

"That's alright" said the man with the dog "it wasn't my 'at 'e chewed."

"Would you mind not throwing the skins out the window? You might choke moi dawg."

Camembert... you've tweaked my favourite joke...

A clown walks into a bar and the barman says, "You're a Clown!" 

"very observant of you, can I have a pint please"

"is the circus in town?"

"it is and I don't have a lot of time, can I have that pint please"

The clown drinks his pint and leaves and a short time later a duck walks into the bar wearing a hard hat and hi viz jacket.

"Pint of stout please" he says to the barman

"A Talking Duck!!"  says the barman,

"Very obesrvant of you" says the duck, "now can I have that pint"

"you know" says the barman, "The circus is in town, you should go and get a job"

"what would they want with a plasterer?"

Tonto Papadopolous

Camenbert - thanks for the duck explanation. Love it - not heard that one before.

Care to explain any of the others I didn’t get.

He said he'd cut them off if they won and he did. Fair play to him. 

That's not what I had in mind when I made a wish for a big black beaver to play with....

one of it's legs is both the same"

A-ha! A jigsaw fan.

summons the O-men

 Never mind your Yorkie, has anyone seen my truck?

"What, Eric?", says the horse.

"And if you live in Lissingdown, take an umbrella"

You had to be there

Delivered in a sack from South America

at least I didn't do it with a spoon

last one might be a misquote tbh

Someone reveal the joke for “Here are your cigarettes. Have you seen my son’s hamster?”

Please?

I would like to know that one too

It must be something about a carpet fitter losing his fags.