"Ladies", said a paralegal (F) at Trowers & Hamlins (68%), "the sanitary bin isn't there for decoration. Neither is the toilet brush. If you want to learn to tarmac, do it on your own watch". And so the descent into the U-bend of loo scores begins.

The facilities at Eversheds Sutherland (66%) were "cleaned and checked regularly and any issues such as blockages are dealt with expeditiously, even during the holidays", said a non-fee-earner. Just as well, because a junior solicitor said "I've seen messes which I do not believe are scientifically possible" which "would put zoos to shame". Maybe it was the banking team. They recently moved to another respondent's floor, and "the amount of swirling floaters or skid marks now left is unbelievable. They are pigs". Meanwhile a junior solicitor in Brum found the urinals had no flush, which "would explain why it stinks like we have been fermenting piss as fuel".

The Guildford loos at Charles Russell Speechlys (65%) "feel like a party space as they have changing coloured lights on the mirror", said a senior solicitor (F). "Not so good for make up application". "The raw materials are good", said a junior solicitor (M): "nice thrones to sit on in well appointed surroundings". "What is done to them by some of my colleagues is, however, unacceptable - the sheer spread of speckled shit coating the interior of each bowl within a few minutes of the morning post-coffee rush beginning is truly obscene".  

    But in a certain light, quite beautiful. 

"Last year's submission hit the nail"
, said staff at Norton Rose Fulbright (63%). "You flush and it sounds like a whale's mating call". "Oh Jesus, not good", said a non-fee-earner (F). "The 8th floor ladies' has been out of order once or twice a week for the last 5 years". The toilets "are a disgrace", said a partner (F). "By 10am every day two of the cubicles are out of action after 1 person has sprayed poo all over the bowl and up above the rim and the other one has floating debris that would block a shipping lane. The stench is absolutely off the charts". Next year's refit "will help", vowed another partner (F). Things have improved at one DWF (62%) office now that staff were "no longer sharing with HSBC animals who shit in bins", said a solicitor (F). "Apart from the day that someone wiped poo on the wall of trap 4", said another. And the time the cubicles were in such a state that "in protest someone went for a wee in the cleaner's cupboard". And the flooding, AKA "the 11 O'clock urine tide".

"I moved here shortly before your 2017 survey results were published and could not believe that SH was top in the loo category for 'Firm of the Year'", said a senior solicitor (F) at Stephenson Harwood (61%). "They are AWFUL On my very first trip to the loo on my first day, I was treated to the sight of someone else's unflushed turd in the toilet bowl. Things have not improved much since". It was a tale of two toilets at Travers Smith (56%). The men's in one building were fine, but those in the other "continue to be absolutely ravaged by our co-tenants", said staff.  Their "entire IT team is based on the same floor so about 700 men use the same five traps, with varying degrees of success". Their familiarity with the traditional toilet system was lacking "to the extent that there are now, honest to god, instruction stickers stuck up in each cubicle". Plus "they stick bogies to the cubicle walls".

A design flaw at DAC Beachcroft's (56%) Minster office meant the gents loos were an en suite to the kitchen, so a modesty screen had to be installed "to avoid seeing the gents at the urinals while making a brew". Recently "it was so cold in the office that I had to stand to one side of the urinal to use it", said a trainee at Plexus (50%). "This was to ensure that the cloud of condensation from my own urine didn't billow back onto me. This is why I'm glad this is anonymous". Other issues included a cracked toilet lid ("no one knows who did it or how") and "empty booze bottles hidden in the ladies". Still, said a junior solicitor (F), it "beats a turd on the seat like last year".

"We refer to him as the Phantom", said a trainee at Baker McKenzie (49%). "He strikes without mercy and without a trace of loo roll. Quite how he manages to dedicate in 4 stalls simultaneously and not wipe once, we have no idea. Even the client floor is not safe. We now have a whatsapp network set up for sightings with a hope of capturing the perp but, as yet, we are yet to catch more than a whiff of him".

    The Bakers poo squad is on the case.  

"I've smelt longdrops in Bestival that smell fresher than the bogs in Plantation Place",
said a BLM (43%) paralegal (F). "Going to the loo in Manchester is like staring into the abyss", said a partner. "I only ever poo at our clients' offices". The cleaners "clean the toilet seats, door handles and sinks with the same cloth", claimed one staffer. Plus it was "really warm. Not what you want from a shared bathroom". At least "the phantom pooer seems to have hung up their cape", said a non-fee-earner, so "you don't have to worry about stepping on King Kong's finger as you enter the loo".  The loos at Shakespeare Martineau (43%) "are vile" said a paralegal. "Toilet seats are all wonky and covered in piss". A senior solicitor delivered the enigmatic warning that "a frightening welcome awaits the unsuspecting visitor at the Birmingham office".

It was the ladies who let down Irwin Mitchell (38%). "Currently we have a person on the first floor who is throwing used tampons on the floor", said a paralegal. "I have found 2 in the last 5 months". And, said a colleague, "we have a phantom vomiter who fails to flush properly, but I'm not sure I can blame the firm for that". People "actually shit on the floor!" said a junior solicitor (F). "On the actual floor". A colleague confirmed, "there have been emails sent about faeces on the floor". Down in the dumps, respondents at Slater & Gordon (29%) struggled to muster a kind word about even the cleaners, who "have no qualms about cleaning the cubicle beside yours when you're taking a shit". They might come in handy, since cost cutting meant there was "very rarely any loo roll" and "currently no hand towels". But coming right out of the bottom, Kennedys landed on 27% with a thud. "Not really the firm's fault", said a senior solicitor (F), "but there is a toilet vandal/maniac in the ladies' toilets at the London office". She "does disgusting but creative things with toilet paper and sanitary towels". Yikes.
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Comments

Anonymous 16 March 18 12:00

Seems like, at my old firm, the bogs have deteriorated since the days when the disabled loos were a favourite place for "romantic" trysts

Anonymous 16 March 18 19:18

Surely the state of the loo's is down to the staff that use them and leave them in that state, rather than the cleaners fault? I would not want to use the same toilets which have been used by the people in the office of Kings House, no wonder the loo's are also poorly rated.