the most annoying thing people say to you at work

"this one is going to be pretty straightforward"

Regrettably never said to me nowadays. “This is grief, can you deal with it” more likely. 

"can you just... "

It's the 'just' that annoys me.

In my experience nobody ever extends the courtesy of acknowleding complexity in tax.

Which is weird tbh.

"you can take on this one as well"

As if I were twiddling my thumbs all day.  

There was one case I took a couple of years back. Grim. GRIM. It actually made me cry. Given to me on the back of a “oh but you’re just perfect for this because you’re good at dealing with grief”. Right. Cheers for that. I refused any others like it post that experience. 

Could you just is the devil’s own expression. 

Inevitably starts a sentence which is anything but “just”. 

 

Instructing banker: " It's a tight timetable I'm afraid " 

ie the fcuking MD is going on holiday in 2 weeks

I’ve had “it’s a bit of a quick turnaround” to preface a request to take an 8 week trial. Starting in days. 

because you’re good at dealing with grief

If they're not good, they should do more of it to get better! Grief is a bugger but you need to the practical voice...

I just get emails with forwarded enquiries which say "please deal" - which basically translates to "I can't be arsed, so over to you...."

I fairly often get emails at 5pm on a Friday which ask for a "response by 930am on Monday - apologies for the right turnaround!"

Sometimes I could reply by then but I never do, people like that do not deserve it.

ps I really want to know what the "makes the lawyer who specialises in horrible cases cry" case involved

Some here will remember being handed bulging files barely tethered together with an old elastic band and a lurid post it note on the top one bearing the immortal words “PLS DEAL”

Usually after the previous FE has left and you can't discuss their non existent explanatory memo with them (I had two of those last year, could have wrung said exiting colleague's neck)

 

Clergs - I wouldn't ask, it sounds like it would have been horrible :(

Can’t say Clerg. Frankly you wouldn’t want to know and I would feel irresponsible telling someone who didn’t need it in their heads. The human condition is fucking horrible at times. Most of my cases are nowhere approaching that one. 

"Pls deal" and "over to you" are utterly appallingly ways to communicate with people.

Heh, I get the local equivalent of "please deal" a lot.

"I fairly often get emails at 5pm on a Friday which ask for a "response by 930am on Monday - apologies for the right turnaround!"

Sometimes I could reply by then but I never do, people like that do not deserve it."

-------

where is the problem? people do not in earnest expect you to deal with it on a WE, so you look at it on monday and ignore until then

 

 

Haha are you suggesting I seriously think they speak German where you are?

Occupez-vous s'il vous plaît.

Heh!

No.

"Tu gères ?"

"tu gères" is more of an inquiry whether you manage, no?

Haha are you suggesting I seriously think they speak German where you are?

Heh. A lot of them do, but not so many in this office. And thankfully the English speakers I work with don't say "pls deal".

One pager people need a face papercut with that one page

"I have just been so busy"

 

but then can never actually tell you any work they have been doing

When someone tells you "I've just been so busy", what they mean is, "I couldn't be arsed to reply to your email that you sent 10 days ago because I've just been so busy watching cat videos on YouTube and now I need to think of a figleaf excuse to explain why".

and for today in particular

"the weather forecast is for snow I am not sure I can come in"

Overseas office:

We have already agreed your budget with the client 

'That's a very good solution old chap, but the devil is in the detail and I'm not sure some of my people will accept it.'

Which means its bleedin' obvious, but for various personal, self-interest reasons, nothing will happen.

Frustrating sometimes.

heh @ strutter too. 

Also generally when some teflon desk khunt passes you a matter "I thought this would be a good one for you because of x, y, z". No just ask me to do the work instead of making out like you're doing me a favour you shitebag. 

I think for me clive it's the phrase "ohhhhh you've had a haircut".  always delivered with a revelatory tone as if one had not gone to the barber and asked them to cut off your fckng hair in return for money.  whatbresponse are they expecting?

 

"Holy fuck really? my hair is shorter? that is so totally weird!!??.  amazing how it's fallen out in such a neat line from my sideburn to my ear!??!"

Actually, for me it’s “did you have a good weekend” - I don’t want to tell you about it, you don’t want to hear about, and yet “yes thanks” is always greeted by a pause as if they’re waiting for you to add some more details.  None of your fvcking beeswax*

 

 

*in years gone by this is because I spent the weekend caning it and then slept through Sunday, now it’s because I spent the weekend clearing up after and entertaining a toddler. 

I tell you what else: those emails that go "I have left some fleidelscnauzers from Utrecht in the 3rd floor kitchen from my holiday! enjoy"

why the fck do people go on holiday to buy rank cakey things for people they hate?

I've never understood the holiday treats thing either. 

Ditto bringing in cake on your birthday. It's my birthday, you should be giving me cake you fvckers. It's the least you can do as recompense for basking in my reflected charm and grace for the past 12 months. 

what's wrong with people bringing cake? I am always happily munching away

 

I never bring in holiday cakes either! I can never be bothered to carry them.

Ditto re holiday cakes. But I’m always at court so that’s my excuse. At the end of long trials I always buy the court clerk and usher some chocolates as a thank you. Their work is unsung and underpaid and they always deserve it. 

I never bring in holiday cakes either! I can never be bothered to carry them.

This. I'm not wasting my meagre baggage allowance buying some biscuits that no one will like anyway.

I'll eat them! don't stop people from bringing choccies and cake

I was once told by one of the partners "I'll excuse you for not taking account of X" to which my silent response was "I should bloody well think so given that you didn't tell me about it, you tw*t".

"We'll keep this week's meeting brief"

 

 

LIES

 

I need an employment reference which will ask , X, Y, and Z by way of confirmation please.

 

HR" I will see what I can do"

Yeah because you are so bloody busy and ran off your feet, that the best you can do is to say I will see what I can do. Tossers.

Back in the day it was a combination of the below the day after a work night out:

 

"You were pretty far gone when I left last night. What happened with all you stragglers?"

 

"What were you talking to the (head of dept) about. It seemed quite animated

"How did you get home"

someone has brought in an office tray of cheese and biscuits

I cannot stop looking

þetta reddast...

...it does my head in. Things don't friggin' work out unless you work them out or at least boot them along a bit.

Someone also actually said (and you can guess there nationality): "you eat what you kill"

WTF, I write things... ...when do I kill things?

Over IM:

"Hi Anna. Do you have five minutes to discuss the email you sent on Friday?"

*thinks of different ways to say "piss off, what I said was perfectly clear"*

*considers pretending to be stuck in meetings afternoon*

*gives up*

Me: "Hi! Yes of course! What's up?"

To paraphrase typical instructions from "lead counsel":

"Whilst we have no idea of the amount of work involved or the legal implications of the questions we have asked you to consider, in our view you this is clearly very straightforward and we anticipate (a) your fees should not exceed 10 whole peanuts in addressing the questions we have raised and (b) your responses to be provided within 30 nanoseconds of your confirmation of the instructions set out in this email. We also attach a 48 page background memorandum, prepared from the perspective of an entirely irrelevant jurisdiction, which is likely to be critical in interpreting the questions we have raised." 

"What's your capacity like?"

 

 

How long is a piece of string, fucker

end meeting early. say, 'have the time back'.  grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I don't like being asked about my weekend either. if I answer, do I have to answer again when some other bloke on open plan asks?

 

When you are copied on an external email that states [your name] will do [task].

Where is the follow up email/call out of politeness asking you to do [task]? That's right. There is none.

Being asked “How are you?” in a tone of voice implying lifelong friendship by someone I’ve never spoken to before.

 

When clients say: 

just have a quick look and rell me its ok to sign...

translation: I want you to take all responsibility for any consequences and I don’t want to pay anything either.  

Any time somebody opens with "Sorry, I know it's your lunch break but..."

 

Doesn't even matter if the ending is 'there is cake in the post room' as my hackles are already up. 

If you are sitting at your desk during your lunch break then more fool you.

There's nowhere else to go and I don't always want to eat out every day so very little choice but to sit at the desk.

my new rage is for people who do no actually work but put away the washing up from the draining board and then make passive aggressive signs about how they are not your mum