Last year I corresponded with a conman called Sadiq who wanted me to collect a fortune in gold bars from Syria. I pretended to be an old man with a silly name and sent stupid emails to Sadiq until tragically Mr Wibble died in a freak poisoning accident which reduced him to two large bags of mince.

With that, I thought I'd lost my chance to get rich. But good things come to those who check their junk mail folder, and a couple of weeks ago terminal case 'Michelle Davis' got in touch, followed by her bank manager 'Abdul Rasheed' and her lawyer 'Arthur Peter'. Their emails are edged in black for clarity and because you may want to skip bits of them (for someone at death's door, Michelle sure can rattle on). In the blue corner is Team Childish.

While Michelle digests Gordon's vision, he wastes no time getting in touch with her bank manager, 'Abdul Rasheed', to start the ball rolling on a transfer of funds:

While Abdul decides whether to bring his family to a church of the Dark Lord for the sake of a customer, Gordon Fathands' lawyer touches base with Michelle's attorney, 'Arthur Peter'.

Time for Gordon Fathands to check back in with Michelle.

While Michelle contemplates her extraordinary legacy, David Cretin reports back to black-haired, moustachioed karaoke tease 'Arthur Peter'.

So. Er. Let's see if anyone writes back.