"So, when I was a lad, Pokemon was played by the types who wore their school tie properly and probably have still never felt the warmth of a woman."

"But this new version has more players than the number of users of facebook and twitter combined. Am I missing out on something that's quite enjoyable, just because I consider it to be for the turbonerds?"

So fretted 'intheregions' on the RollOnFriday discussion board this week.

Yes, is the answer. Unless you're scampering giggling into the middle of the M4 to flick a Poké ball at a super rare Vileplume, you are missing out. You're old. You've given up. You won't ever go clubbing again. You will only dance at weddings, doing something static and bum-waggly where you clomp your feet up and down and wave your arms but it's not dancing, is it, why can't you dance anymore? You will not recognise any of the bands on posters for festivals. You will get buzzed about going to bed at 9.30pm because it means 10 hours sleep. You will not understand the next social media phenomenon. You won't notice when the Singularity happens. By not playing Pokémon Go you have surrendered your interest in new things and might as well set your life in aspic because this is it for you.


    Even they love it

"Ok, I have just started this", said 'just 1ng of those things clive'. "There was one conveniently on my desk which I nabbed. WTF am i supposed to do now?"

Yes, even as 'intheregions' expressed culture-shock at our brave new augmented world, other readers were busy downloading this year's loom bands. By that afternoon, 'Clive' was lost to the game and didn't care that he looked insane: "I just got a bat thing on a crowded train".

Other grown-up actual lawyers were no less susceptible. "I caught a Tentacool lurking behind the Globe Theatre this morning", said 'bookem'. "I have sent my trainee to see if there are any in the office. I suspect not."

For years, 'sort out this filing' has been the go-to instruction to trainees and students when there's nothing else to give them. But not any more. Now they will get to enter in their training diary, "Swept for Blastoise - 2hrs." 

Some remained lost, like '3dux', who ventured, "I understand it's a craze involving telephones."



But if you aren't playing, it's highly likely the person in the next cubicle is. All the time.

"Yeah, my office building is a Pokestop," boasted 'Captain Mal'. "Also managed to catch one pokemon outside Liverpool Street and two pokemon when I popped to the communal area of the building for a quick break."

"There is a pokestop within range of my office," said 'Horace Rumpole'. "This is going to hamper my productivity every five minutes."

Christ we sound like children. "My office is a pokegym", said 'Meh', "but I am not allowed to play in it."  

  "Hey guys, stop Pokegyming a second because we've gone bust and also - I've hatched a Charizard!"

One good thing: you walk to make your eggs hatch, which means traffic jams are now a blessing. "A taxi to the West End is just about perfect hunting territory," said one poster. "You're going at so close to walking pace it counts your kilometres and you go past hundreds of stops."

"Having just had an Uber over to Holborn I was about to say the same," said 'Captain Mal', for whom reaching meetings is now of secondary importance to capturing Nidoqueen and Weepinbell, "but the driver disappointingly found a way out of traffic at one point.


Not everyone is on board the Poketrain. "You're all weirdos" said 'Montagu', realising to his horror that everyone he knows is now these guys:




But there is something for black letter lawyers to get their teeth into - the t&cs. This, from consumerist.com:



The solution to this sneaky corporate skullduggery is to email Niantic and opt out of the clause within 30 days of downloading the game. Of course sensible people like me won't need to, because only idiots would consider spending money buying the add-ons. And if there are no credit card details to be hacked, there'll be no need to sue.

 

No harm, is there? Just in case I need to buy an emergency Egg Incubator.

Turbonerd Appendix: The Pokémon featured in this blog and a fact about each of them

  Vileplume. "The larger its petals, the more toxic pollen it contains. Its big head is heavy and hard to hold up."
  Tentacool. "It will sometimes wash ashore and become shriveled and dehydrated, but may be revived if it is thrown back into the ocean."
  Blastoise. "The jets of water it spouts from the rocket cannons on its shell can punch through the most stubborn stains."   
  Charizard. "Drinks the blended livers of our young."
   Nidoqueen. "Nidoqueen and its male counterpart Nidoking swing."
   Weepinbell. "See a doctor."

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Comments

Anonymous 22 Jul 16

Go and Pokémon is what your Geordie mates tell you when they want you to entertain a young ladies norty parts.

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