Did YOUR head fall off when you tripped over a negligently-laid paving slab while checking how sharp your secateurs were on the sensitive skin of your neck?

Did YOU break into a high-rise office block, lever open the elevator doors, jump laughing down the lift shaft and land on recklessly accessible concrete, damaging your spine?

Did YOU scald your facial cheeks after vaulting over a McDonalds counter and plunging your head into the vat of boiling chip oil because of inadequate labelling?

If the answer is, "Yes, I'm an utter weapon", then you're in luck, because Accident Injury Solicitors is not only happy to represent you, it has a wonderful prize with your name on it, if your name is Leaf.




A free car sounds fantastic. Let's not visit their blog, because who reads blogs. Let's take a look at the small print.



Now let's make it bigger and break it down.




I make a claim I get a car? That sounds too good to be true.



Oh Accident Injury Solicitors, you masters of puffery. Carry on then. Let's assume my claim is successful.



A complimentary Car would make things easier for me. My brother won a car in a raffle at Edinburgh zoo and it made his life easier, even though it's painted like a penguin and his wife won't let him drive it because he grinds the gears. But before I go any further with my claim, what exactly is a Car, Accident Injury Solicitors?



I see. Interesting. I've never heard of cars being described as gadgets before. Are you terribly, terribly old?



Isn't the car known primarily for its wheels and-



The lack of a computer screen or keyboard on a Car, and the sheer bulk of a Car, might make it appear at first glance to not be a perfect way to communicate by email. In fact, quite a challenging email device. But apparently, according to Accident Injury Solicitors, its lawyers and claims managers are themselves out there right now, endeavouring to contact their clients by tapping emails into cars. I wonder how that's going for them, thrashing away on the bonnet of a Citroen C4 Cactus, touch-typing the footwell of a Vauxhall Insignia, repeatedly pressing what they hope is the send/receive button on an Audi TT's headlight, to no avail, nothing coming in, no replies, just the soft sound of their fingertips on the car's metal and plastic and upholstery, frustration mounting because no-one is coming back to them, or if they are it's not appearing anywhere on the car that they can see, and people are staring at them crouching in the gravel drumming on the fender, people who don't have to lug around two tonne vehicles for work emails or leave the office to dash out a meeting request on the exhaust pipe of a Mondeo to seemingly no effect. I hope it's not baffling and upsetting.

The Amstrad Taint 1.2 0dr, yours if you stuff your hand in a John Lewis display blender

Of course dreadful accidents could occur if someone were to actually mistake a car for an emailing gadget. I picked up the phone to Accident Injury Solicitors to get their advice. Here's what happened:

AIS lady: Hello, Accident Injury Solicitors.

Jamie: Hi. I'd like to make a claim please. I was told I could write emails using a car and I tried to type one out on the engine and I damaged my hands.

AIS: Oh. So it's a personal injury claim?

Jamie: Yes.

AIS: Can you give me the details now, or would you like to fill out the form online?

Jamie: Now is fine.

AIS: Where did you see our details?

Jamie: On the internet.

AIS: Ok. Bear with me a second.

[Hold music]

AIS: Are you the owner and driver of the vehicle?

Jamie: Yes.

AIS: What's your first name?

Jamie: Jamie.

AIS: And what's your last name?

Jamie: Hamilton.

AIS: H-A-M. ...?

Jamie: I-L-T-O-N.

AIS: And what's your address?

Jamie: Can I give you the details of the accident?

AIS: I'm taking the details.

Jamie: I tried to type out an email on the different parts of the engine and I damaged my hands. It pulled them off.

AIS: Is that how the accident happened?

Jamie: Yes.

AIS: Oh. So you weren't actually driving the vehicle.

Jamie: No. I was emailing on it.

AIS: ... Bear with me a second.

Jamie: Sure.

[Hold music]

Sarah: Hello, I'm Sarah.

Jamie: Hello. I read on a website that a car was perfect for communicating by email, and so I tried to type an email into the engine and it ripped off both my hands.

Sarah: Sorry. You were working?

Jamie: Yes, I was trying to work.

Sarah:  And you put your hands in the engine?

Jamie: In the engine, yes.

Sarah: When did this happen?

Jamie: This morning.

Sarah: ...

Jamie: I read on a website that a car was the perfect way to communicate by email and I'd like to sue. I don't have any hands now.

Sarah: A car?

Jamie: Yes. It was on the website for - hang on, let me check on Google - Accident Injury Solicitors.

Sarah: OK. Bear with me.

[Hold music]

[Call disconnected by AIS]

Hopefully they'll follow up with an email.

Thanks to the reader who alerted RollOnFriday to Accident Injury Solicitors' fabulous offer. If you've seen something of interest, please do send it in.