A suicide bombing instructor stood up in front of the class.
He said, "Now pay attention. I'm only going to show you this once."
I’ve got this new hobby.
I pay for the services of multiple prostitutes, but I do NOT have sex with them. I just place them together and “fold” them into interesting shapes like cranes and flowers.
It’s called “Whore-a-gami”.
The man who invented auto-correct has died.
His funfair is on sundial at moon
I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with
She said I was yes, all the others had been at least sevens or eights
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...
"I want you to try to convince me to buy this."
So I grabbed it from him and ran out of the building
Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "£600 and it's yours."
I really think I’m in with a good chance of getting this one…
My doctor think’s I am paranoid
She didn’t say as much, but I know she is thinking it.
I found out last night that my neighbour thinks I’m creepy.
She’s not actually said anything, but I saw her write it into her diary.
Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.
"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"
"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."
"What about if I were just to think it?"
"No sir. You can think whatever you like."
"In that case, I think you're a cunt."
If the bigger your shoes, the bigger your dick, and the bigger your car, the smaller your dick...
...then no wonder so many women are afraid of clowns.
I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,
"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,
"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
I accidentally sent a dick pick to my entire address book
It was not only embarrassing, but the stamps were so damn expensive.