Who was it that wanted jokes

Gwen ?

 

A suicide bombing instructor stood up in front of the class.

He said, "Now pay attention. I'm only going to show you this once."

 

I’ve got this new hobby.

I pay for the services of multiple prostitutes, but I do NOT have sex with them. I just place them together and “fold” them into interesting shapes like cranes and flowers.

It’s called “Whore-a-gami”.

 

The man who invented auto-correct has died.

His funfair is on sundial at moon

 

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with

She said I was yes, all the others had been at least sevens or eights

 

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try to convince me to buy this."

So I grabbed it from him and ran out of the building

Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "£600 and it's yours."

I really think I’m in with a good chance of getting this one…

 

My doctor think’s I am paranoid

She didn’t say as much, but I know she is thinking it.

 

I found out last night that my neighbour thinks I’m creepy.

She’s not actually said anything, but I saw her write it into her diary.

 

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?"

"No sir. You can think whatever you like."

"In that case, I think you're a cunt."

 

If the bigger your shoes, the bigger your dick, and the bigger your car, the smaller your dick...

...then no wonder so many women are afraid of clowns.

 

 

I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

 

I accidentally sent a dick pick to my entire address book

It was not only embarrassing, but the stamps were so damn expensive.

 

Have you been raiding Tim Vine's Monkhouse-style joke book?

"I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with

She said I was yes, all the others had been at least sevens or eights"

Genuinely lolled at this one.