A thread to act like it’s LinkedIn

i’ll bite

”Absolutely honoured and humbled to announce to the world that I have accepted a training contract offer at Bumble Shite Dickinsons - my absolutely dream job since I went to my first year insight day there and met all the amazing trainees, associates and graduate recruitment, who have been complete stars. 

Since starting my degree two years ago I have a searching for a firm that would enable me to realise my dream of helping people and making a difference in the world. To now be able to do that at BSD - a firm who culture and purpose align to my core values - is an indescribable opportunity.

I would like to take thus moment to thank all my friends, mentors, brother, sister, my parents and their sperm and ovaries without whom I wouldn’t be here. 

Really really looking forward to starting the LPC in September!!!”

thanks chill I look forward to two years of exciting, fulfilling and intellectually stimulating work ahead of me!

I fooking love linkedin, it’s miles better than ROF

Wonderful news 👏🏼 now don't forget to update your profile so that your job title reads "Future Trainee Solicitor" or "Aspiring Solicitor" or some other drivel.

I once sat opposite Frank.

Frank never sought cultural synthesis nor did he ever talk about permanent internal revenue revolution.

No one has heard from Frank in years.

Don’t  be like Frank

Big shout out to my amazing colleagues at Floating Turd LLP on the 18th anniversary of lockdown.  Humbled and inspired in new ways every day.

great to have you om board @jamiestone!  why not join the firm's mental health committee? (the whole firm is on it!)  - there's nothing more important than the well-being our our people during this unprecedented crisis 

Linkedin for anything other than posting/stalking bland CV type details is utterly tedious.

Saw a good column the other day which noted it was:

...more than a business networking or self-promotion website.

It is a cultural force that not only propogates values throughout the business world, but shapes them, through the relentless self-praise that appears on its feeds and the portrayal of obvious solutions as insightful...

A couple of weeks ago, a partner of seven months in the Sydney office of EY, a financial services firm where staff specialise in LinkedIn-style communications, posted on the site after EY was named the most popular graduate employer in its field.

The message contained four examples of what is wrong with LinkedIn speech: hyperbole, humble bragging, exaggerated titles and pretending that the object of business is to do good.

The partner said he was “excited” about “amazing” boot camps for graduate recruits. Presumably he was referring to classes, held in bland office rooms or online, where EY’s new workers were instructed how to write pitches – or “craft stories” – to potential clients based on the firm’s “Transformation Realised” strategy.

If EY’s graduates genuinely found the lessons “amazing”, maybe EY should change its hiring practices to recruit more curious and interesting staff.

“Thanks for sharing [name removed] because I am also excited to share that we are also expanding the Grad Experience with amazing boot camps across the ecosystem and more importantly we are doing more and more ‘learning by practicing’ and not just ‘learning by powerpoint’,” the post said.

“In fact yesterday I attended our Transformation Realised Unpacked: Delivery and Case Study Virtual Classroom and it was fascinating to learn from so many colleagues from APAC from the comfort of my home office while putting into practice (and under time pressure) the need to craft stories in minutes and not in days.

“I want to continue to help my colleagues at EY to make this place the one that my son and my daughter want to be part of too.”

*voms*

*voms again*

*voms some more and weeps for the state of the world*

 

 

@jamiestone, ignore the hateful posts. haters gonna hate!

"I fooking love linkedin, it’s miles better than ROF"

Yeah but you can't honestly comment on the drivel people post...

kudos @jamiestone1 - so we’ll deserved 👏

@jamiestone1 you used to be a great guy now you're a aunt. 

 

 

 

sorry. did not mean to post this to all. Still getting the hang of this social media business. Jamiestone1 is a great guy.

*Rates him for freefall tennis, five-a-side javelin, underwater basket weaving and sex logistics.

 

 

"One day, one of my teachers told me I was not very good at drawing and could be a bit of an arse sometimes.

I worked hard and achieved a Desmond from the University of American Samoa (go landcrabs!).

Seventeen years later, that same girl is now a middle manager at some professional services firm in the midlands! :) :)

#achieveyourgoals #youcandoanything"

Having attended a state school myself [Henrietta Barnett or Tiffins] and therefore as someone more than acutely aware of the baseless prejudices that this can create and that must be overcome, your achievement of Level 1 Cup Cake Baking Certificate (merit) shows that anyone can make it and break through if they believe in themselves. #breakingthroughbarriers 

Is there any more meaningless gesture than "Congrats" on LinkedIn? I'm so pleased for you I used the autotext option. 

worrabout saying 'well deserved'* so as to avoid using an autotext option

 

* this may in fact be n autotext option

FAOD I am a qualified solicitor and merely paraphrasing the “success” of a Linkedin contact of a contact

Coffee that one is hilariously awful

heh at diceman 

thanks mutters - if you post your address I will send you an artisanal hand crafted underwater sex basket (I have loads spare)

Oh, I forgot.

"Coffee is an highly motivated talker of kittens, with a demonstrated history of talking kittens, a proven track record of making his interlocutors bleed from their eyes and extensive experience causing others to die of boredom."

Once upon a time, back in 2005, some coked-up* spotty-faced kid in whatever garage in Palo Alto Linkedin was operating from, decided that "demonstrated history" was essential in every CV. And today, all 7 billion people on Earth seem to have taken his advice.

 

 

* sadly by "coked-up", it was most likely coca-cola.  And pizza.  And rating chicks on "thefacebook.com" who would never have slept with him anyway.  Although they probably would now if he'd held on to the $100 bucks fo shares he'd got from his mate Mark in the Series A funding round of thefacebook.

SO grateful I got to attend [FIRM'S] open day! It was great hearing from [PARTNER A], [ASSOCIATE], [PARTNER B] and learning more about what the firm does. I'm doubly certain I want to become a solicitor to accomplish [THINGS PARTNER DOES BUT TRAINEES DON'T].

Thanks to [JUNIOR GR] for organising a great 10-minute session on TC application pitfalls to avoid! Will certainly be using some of those ones you pointed out to us ;)

#blessed #godswill #teambuilding #lawyer #lifegoals

heh at coffee

rumpy - nailed the future trainee spiel

the ones that are doing the LPC who do blogs opining about life as a trainee are my favourite...

“I’m happy to be certified as a Happiness Coach :D”

 

I kid you not, I didn’t make that up! 🤦🤦🤦

Jigga have you seen this latest trend of “life coaches” specialising in bullshit stuff

eg

Jamie Stone 

Experienced Life Coach and Counsellor, certified Breathwork (TM) and Reiki practitioner. Former lawyer. Vegan and mum of two.

"So proud to have achieved such a good result for my client, X. Even though it was a team effort, here is an email i received, praising me for the work I did. "

 

A story I want to share with you.

Today I went for an interview.  When I arrived I spent 5 minutes talking to the man in reception.  I asked all about his family and he wished me good luck in the interview.

HE WAS THE MOTHERfookING CLEANER.

The lesson?  Never forget to condescend to speak to the people who are quite clearly below your station in life and clean all your shit up.  We are all equal.  

#keephumble #everyoneisequal

(p.s. I didn't go forward with job because they weren't for me)

 

THRILLED and HUMBLED to be invited to the GLS' assessment day for their training programme. Forever indebted to the amazing GLS HR team for the opportunity to practice at the intersection of law and policy and to fulfil my dream of commitment to public service. #blessed.

 

Today marks thirty years since I joined Throbber, Spaz & Bukkake as an articled clerk. We have all come a long way then and as I now contemplate retirement I like to think that I have made a noticeable contribution to the body of law that is bottomry. My mentor and friend, Darren Divvy, sadly left this world too soon on the occasion of his tragic prostitution accident, but I know that if he was still with us today he’d be up for a pint and a curry to mark the occasion and say something encouraging like ‘leave it out Dave you cocksucker’.  I write this from my desk at 4pm on a Friday and I accept that I may not be sober. But some things need to be said. First, I’m no racist but the law is not a profession for foreigners. Second, the management of Throbbers can go fuc itself. In the ear. Twice. Third, young people know shit. Fourth, I never touched her, the slag.  Finally, advice for those of you still hanging on: ride the bastard hard. 

I’m available for NED roles and other possibilities on [email protected] 
 

"But some things need to be said. First, I’m no racist but the law is not a profession for foreigners."

Gets a heh from me

"So proud to have achieved such a good result for my client, X. Even though it was a team effort, here is an email i received, praising me for the work I did."

heh at all the trainees who post articles about the deals they were conscripted to work on.

Such as

"Thrilled and elated to have played my part in Spasm, Wrinkle and Flem's recent work advising Associated British Retail Dinosaurs on its recent restructuring, which involved a £500 mn refinancing via a new revolving credit facility provided by Xinjiang State Bank (motto: we exchange cash for intel on Muslims), strong-arming all creditors via a cross-class beat and cramdown into accepting a 90% haircut on existing debt, and right-sizing 1,500 staff. A real win! Funds raised through the new debt facility will be put into improving executive remuneration incentives and develop a new online customer cloud platform and multimedia channel to reduce disintermediation and leverage targeted millennial payment attraction strategies.

I don't know what any of that means, but here is a link to an article on my firm's website that doesn't mention my involvement and purports to comment on the legal and commercial ramifications of this matter in what is essentially a poorly disguised press release."

(Bit unfair perhaps as I know that some partners require that the juniors post and share the stories on LinkedIn)

This thread made me curious to go back on LinkedIn for the first time in a long time. It always was an echo chamber of self congratulation but it's ridiculous. Every second post is someone liking someone announcing that they are proud to have submitted their dissertation!

i saw someone put a post up of a gift they had received from a client and they wrote something along lines of 'so grateful to receive this from a client for all of my hard work'

 

i mean ffs you dont tell put that on linkedin its tragic