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Let your next career move come to you.

Things other people seem to need but which have no place in your life

Trendy thermos flasks/cups/beakers/keep vessels.

Yup skiiing for me too.  Never tried it, never wanted to.  I am as clumsy as fvck and there is way too high a chance of body/head smashing accident involved for my liking.

See also children.  Not the body smashing accident part of them (although having witnessed two births its not far off) but the people "needing" to have them/talk about them/convince you to need them also.

Music festivals is a great shout, though not necessarily for the same reasons as clergs.

One gig= potentially one epic night out.

One music festival = four days of gradually losing my love of live music, getting grumpier and filthier and more sleep deprived.

Re skiing: don't worry, naysayers, I have done it so you don't have to.

- it is really easy, way easier than ski tedes would have you believe

- it's mildly fun for the first couple of goes, then it's a bit samey

- other skiers are all cocks, but they are not as bad as snowboarders, who are also cocks, but really smelly and more boring

- the apres ski is just like being in a pub, but more expensive and full of cocks talking about skiing

 

1. Children. They are annoying and parents lose the ability to talk about literally anything else. 

2. Placing bets on sports fixtures. 

3. Using social media and w**king about on Tiktok or whatever. You’re 45, Dave. Stop wasting your life watching kids try new dance moves & telling you “life hacks” and go and do something productive. 

Crowded noisy environments. 
Currently sat in a chic, quiet restaurant in Harrogate on my lonesome, very soundly fed and watered, good music, avoiding the crowd I will necessarily have to mingle within tomorrow. 

Hair straighteners - come to coastal Norway and see how your hair looks within 5 mins of stepping outside the door most of the year. 

Umbrellas - I love watching tourists get off the cruise ships with umbrellas. They don't help with sideways rain and will blow inside out within 15 mins. We spend a lot of time trying to work out how to recycle the mountains of broken umbrells left here each day. Today has been a spectacular day for it. 

Instagram foodies - who finds endless pictures of someone else'd dinner interesting?

 

Michelin star restos or really "tasting menus" of all kinds

Tapas. I'm like Smitty, I don't want to share my order with you, Karen. I'll go eat what I got in the car by myself.

Strip clubs.

Gardening 

Football (or more generally following a "team" and giving a shit about how well the ever-changing group of players - with whom you have no  connection except a general hope that they will perform better than an alternative collection of players - performs)

Hard disagree on skiing and bicycling. They both give me a great thrill without having to be particularly well-coordinated.

 

Tasting menus are an excuse to bump the cost of a meal by 50% and dictate what the guest is going to eat at the same time. 
 

We had a superb restaurant near us that cancelled its a la carte menu completely in favour of a tasting menu. It’s still going so is presumably working for them but I like to choose what I’m eating and don’t mind paying to do so. 
 

For me the need to avoid cycling is easy. 
 

<5 miles: walk

>5 miles: drive

sociopath who wants simultaneously to hold up drivers by going on the road v v slowly AND half-kill pedestrians by ignoring things like level crossings and pelican crossings and pavements: cycle 

Agree on umbrellas. A hood and a hat much better, backpack preferably with waterproof compartment, both hands free for emergency situations. 

sociopath who wants simultaneously to hold up drivers by going on the road v v slowly AND half-kill pedestrians by ignoring things like level crossings and pelican crossings and pavements: cycle 

I'm glad someone pointed this out. Cycling is an absolute existential danger for people going about on foot. It makes a mockery of the hard won 100% traffic law compliance by people in cars. It's borne out in statistics too, with the vast majority of pedestrian casualties being cause by collisions with people on bikes. 

Remember when that blind woman went to jail for manslaughter for shouting at a cyclist to get off the pavement and in attempting to do so the cyclist went under a car?

Every time I think of that I wish all cyclists would be swept into the sea.

I quite like the cycling as a physical activity and have a bike to get around town but hate everything surround the cycling culture in this country (less so abroad where bikes are just a normal means of transport used by everyone) - the attitude, the get up, ignoring the rules of the road, the smug culture etc etc.  

Oh god. Musicals. Forgot them, but they are the literal worst. Sat trapped for 3 hours while people sing nonsense at you. Can't think of a worse torture outside of actual torture. I've had to leave at intermission in at least 3 musicals regardless of the social upheaval it caused with my companion. 
 

also cigarettes 

Rugby, Instasham, twotter, Skiing, aggressive cycling, 3* Restaurants, paying for stuff in a supermarket with a Apple product ( they seem to rarely work in a timely manner, and living in a 4000 plus square feet property for two/three of you. just why?

Proud parents: Fúck off, literally everyone in the world has kids, get over yourselves you self absorbed cúnts, I'd rather have unanaesthetised testicular surgery than watch Arlo ride his ironic unicycle in Hyde Park. 

Sharing food / ordering "for the table": Aaaaaaaaaargh fúck the fúck off, touch my chips and you'll get a fork through your eye you twát.

Dog people: Get down on all fours and beg for forgiveness you shítcake bakers. Don't give me that look as you eye me, then eye the dog, then eye me again as if to suggest I may want to either pet or simply recognise your animal. And no I won't yield from the pavement because your yappy little shít machine is covering the pavement with his lead, get in the gutter you freak. Get a life, or kids or something, just don't talk about them to anyone, ever. Fúcking arsehóles.

Neighbourliness: Oh yes, we have a great deal in common, we both like to live indoors in some kind of lodging. Now fúck off, and when you get there fúck off some more. I don't care if you fall feet first into a woodchipper ,we're strangers and we'll keep it that way, príck.

All people on the planet, and whatever it is they like or do: Oh fúck off.

tbf it is helpful to at least make neighbours believe you like them in case one day you set your kitchen on fire and need to borrow a mini extinguisher

suppose this would go a bit differently in your case

it was a pavement that the prosecution later tried to argue COULD have been a shared path

the cyclist was supposedly "confident and experienced"

why was she driving at a blind woman on a pavement then?

get on the road (or ideally the sea)

"Being against skiing is a form of class war. I don’t mind, just saying"

This is probably right actually. Far too many working class people make a bit of dough and then have to go skiing because that's what posh people do 

I did it, I admit 

Hated it. Give me two weeks in Tenerife with the working classes. Bliss 

Get yourself to Pas de la Casa in Andorra as it's Magaluf with snow.  There were 20 people in my snowboarding class first day and 8 for the rest of the week as the rest were too hungover to bother turning up for the lessons they'd paid for.

Luxury cars, especially when used as status symbols. No need for a car in you live in a city will a public transport network, i.e. London (but see     below), Paris, most cities in Germany and other EU countries.

Ski holidays (already mentioned above)

Luxury branded accessories, watches etc

Vaping

Alcopops

Wetherspoons pubs

London

Long-haul holidays to the Caribbean or The Seychelles

Hunter wellies; for London twots who go on hols to the above because they can't speak French, German, Italian, Portuguese or Spanish.

Surrey

Essex

The Conservative party and politicians generally

National Conservatism

Alexa (get a radio)

Laptop PCs without a CD Rom

Religion (deism or theism)

Trampolines in the garden

Kids

Marriage

Crufts; any dog show (only in England; pedigree dogs are in, migrants, especially non-white, out)

Animal 'rights'

Veganism/ vegetarianism

Censored books with language toned down to pander to sensibilities

Most of my blood relatives

 

 

 

Concerts (unless its an intimate one in a pub or something you may as well watch the concert on TV)

Theatre and Musicals - I just can't sit still that long.

TV - I don't watch it apart from the news which is sometimes on.

Olives - Yack, a mouthful of oil and a funny texture

 

Can't believe nobody has mentioned Facebook.

Never joined and seems my life is better for it.

Tried to join recently to see a menu but cünts wouldn't let me so I gave up.

Tattoos. 
Designer/luxury goods or services of any kind. 
School governorships. 
Lobster. 
Crab. 
Spirits (eg whiskey) of any kind. 
Cigars. 
Trendy smoothie makers - I already have a food mixer. 
Replica team shirts. 
Motorbikes. 
Ties. 
Piercings. 
Club memberships. 

 

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