Things that immediately alert you to a person being a d***head

1.  Personalised number plates

2.  (for men) rings other than a wedding ring

3.  ostentatious expensive watch

4.  excessive aftershave (forgivable in over eager young men but nobody over 25)

5.  use of the word "woke" as a pejorative term

Doesn't know what CAMRA stands for.

Wants to go to Tiger Tiger in his 40s.

Greets me with a shortened version of my name despite having never met me before then proceeds to address me as "mate" within ten minutes of having met for the first time.

anyone who Y’s no.6 should be disenfranxhised

1. Generally yes, but I know a few people who have them for giggles and are good blokes

2. Disagree. Wear what you want.

3. As 2, but if they feel the need to brag about then yep

4. Yep

5. Yep


People whose sole opening conversational gambit is to parrot whatever they’ve heard about their football team’s tactics on their podcast of choice. 

Come-on Salio, don't be like that mate

Casual littering

More than one shirt button undone

long hair on any male over 40 

I love number 2

Brilliant, never thought of this before.

What kind of unmitigated piece of arse sludge actually buys a fvcking ring for themselves.

I can forgive wearing a ring if it was your grandads, who made it out of a dead krauts penis during the war or similar.

Them having a largely arbitrary list of criteria by which they judge people without getting to know the person.

(and no, I don't do any of the things on your list, not even the watch). 

“People whose sole opening conversational gambit is to parrot whatever they’ve heard about their football team’s tactics on their podcast of choice.”

Nobody like this actually exisfs 

Just long experience DD, may be exceptions, have yet to meet them.

I’ve met fvcking loads but possibly because I live in a proper football city. 

They are usually other dads at school or other halves of your mrs’s m7s. 

Their ID badge is normally a clue. If it says Dr on it then they’re likely a Dickhead (including me). 

I agree with Donny (again).

Judgmental people are just awful, and the worst of them (small town Crown Court Judges) should be subject to some kind of Roman Games ordeal as pennance.

any rentadullard with a view on expats

again, if you Y number 5 you should do twenty in a federal supermax IMO

I love the Germans. I don't think you can legally be racist towards them, they are not protected by race laws.

Anyway fvck them, they used to make tobacco pouches out of ball bags.

Anyone who is not actually Palestinian with a Palestine flag on their Twitter bio

I'll second that linda.

Ditto white people pretending to care passionately about BLM or whatever other cause they think they can get prissy about.

Why is it only white people who do this? Usually spoilt brats without an actual care in the world.

Other people usually care about things which affect them.

Fvck white people, they need their little spotty cracker asses whipped.


Warwick you're not allowed to say that nowadays, even in jest.

1.  Personalised number plates

I do generally find this a bad sign.

2.  (for men) rings other than a wedding ring

Of course not! I wear one myself.

3.  ostentatious expensive watch

No problem with expense, but take issue with men who wear oversized watches they can't get their sleeve over.

4.  excessive aftershave (forgivable in over eager young men but nobody over 25)

No problem with that.

5.  use of the word "woke" as a pejorative term

No problem with that.

I still think blokes wearing even a wedding ring is kinda funny.  My dad and most of the adults I knew growing up didn't.  

I like my watches but I've nothing ostentatious.  And by rof standards I'm barely above a Timex.

And unfortunately for the purpose of (4), I was the impressionable younger brother of an over-eager young man. So I like the stuff.  I like to think it's by no means excessive.  But like halitosis and BO, you never know...

I once worked with a gentleman who had a tattoo of a watch on his wrist where a watch would go. I thought he was of limited intelligence.

Rex Kwon Do

Wants to go to Tiger Tiger in his 40s.


Is Tiger Tiger still a thing?!?! I remember the first time I went to that mahoosive one in London with my uni mates after graduation, when we were all new to our jobs and I visited them for the weekend. We had endless jugs of cocktails. It. Was. Epic.

Over 20 years ago, mind you. But there you go. 

Also: Y,Y,N,N,Y

I've never got the aftershave thing.

But he's right twice a day, Peat. 


1. No - but have a visually appealing number. It came with the car. So was a nice bonus. Doesn't mean anything, just had a nice symmetry to it. 

2. Certainly not. But may wear my grand dad's ring, which my dad wears, when my dad dies. He was not a wealthy man, and the ring was probably the only fancy thing he owned. 

3.  It's not a Casio but doesn't draw looks and not the size of a dustbin lid. 

4. Used to give the balls a waft of JAZZ back in the day. More subtle now. 

5. People who think being woke is a problem are the problem, but feel more comfortable blaming other people. 

I'm getting a personalised number plate but it's from the Rolls that my dad's dad had his fatal heart attack so has a strange sentimental value.  The gentleman I once saw with S55EXX on  his car was clearly a mega ocean going copper bottomed dickhead.

Anyone with a modified car such as lowered suspension, blacked out windows, wings etc.

People who genuinely taste the small bit of wine first pored by the waiter. Loudly sucking in air, working it around their mouth. Hideous. 

Putting your seat all the way back back from seat belt sign going off to announcement of landing by the captain. Christ, I miss travel.

Anyone who insists of pulling out a guitar to play for you after a night out.


Heh - I am toying with a remap and lowering of my car

anyone who calls themselves “Dr” but isn’t a medical Dr. 
(academics in a limited number of specific circumstances excepted - generally the sign of a nobber)

Tiger Tiger was hell on earth.

It's no longer there thank god.

4x4 or any Audi / BMW.  

All 3 attract a certain type of person.

Pretends to think porn is degrading and exploitative and claims therefore never to watch it.

Cares enough about cricket to follow the English team abroad.

Instantly hates you if you exhibit greater ability at work.


Anyone cis-gender who states their pronouns on LinkedIn or their email signature.  


the wedding rings for men is a generational change. do any married male roffers not wear a wedding ring?

"anyone who calls themselves “Dr” but isn’t a medical Dr. 
(academics in a limited number of specific circumstances excepted - generally the sign of a nobber)"

Medical doctors in the UK are generally Batchelors of Medicine or equivalent. Few of them seem to be actual doctors of medicine. "Dr" for these people is a courtesy title. Lots of dentists call themselves Drs these days but on the brass plate it generally says BDS not DDS. So, it seems like it is medical "Drs" (and dentists) who "call themselves" Drs without a qualification to back it up.


Anyone, regardless of if they are an academic Dr, medical Dr or dentist, who gets their credit card or passport changed to say Dr, in the hope it will get them a free upgrade at the airport.  

I don’t wear a wedding ring since a Naval officer I served with degloved a finger with his when it caught on a hatch he was descending through and his leather-soled shoes slipped on the ladder.

I sometimes wear a wedding ring, depending on the sort of woman I am looking to attract and how long I want to spend in her company.

Pocket squares 

Anyone who did a black square last June and nothing to support BLM since

People who boast about their children, (makes me cringe) 100 x more if child under 5.

People who leave before they buy a round 

People who tell you the price of wine without being asked

99.9% of red and green Gucci clothing + accessorises 

I just drove past a car with the number plate:  'G1 DOUG'. I thought Doug was probably ok. 

I used to have an imitation Casio called a Casino. 

Anyone who uses the term "matey-boy", even if ironically.

There are no exceptions to this rule.

People who feel compelled to defend everything Israel does just because the have a loose link to Judaism, or even worse because they think it is just what right wing people should do

I think Warwick is taking umbrage at the post re Germany and making the point.....I know that's a bit chambo of me. soz

1.  Owning a 4 x 4 and not regularly towing horse boxes/living in a National Park

2.  See 1.

You may be right Roger. Just suprised me and that it's still there.

Warwick is German and gets racial abuse on here a fair bit Clive

Ah not nice. Did he used to be TCV? Get the point but for example if he'd used n word instead of p word would post have stayed?

Suppose if German maybe p word not a slur or as bad a slur there,.


Saying "I'm more of a rugby man". Its fine to be more of a rugby man or even dislike footy. Just fooking say so rather than that slightly sneery phrase designed to shut down the discussion which could mean anything between of I love rugby and am not interested in footy sorry or I am not interested in footy and couldn't care less about rugby either but definitely don't want anyone to think I might have an interest in footy.

Frankly, anyone who wears a watch at all these days (apart from an Apple Watch or some sort of run

monitoring device) is quite tedious. 

Use of the phrase “matey boy” is a worthy addition to the list.

Anyone whose first reaction to a public transport delay is to tweet about it

Ringleaders in delayed passenger groups

Members of political parties


YotP what if your back garden is the size of a national park?  Does that count?

Erm ... what's 'excessive' aftershave?  I may be guilty of this.

Think you can mark people out as d*ckheads by their brand of aftershave though...

those who passively aggressively/sarcastically (is it usually both?) use the expression “hope that helps”.


People who indicate quotation with twitching fingers either side of their heads. 

Anti vaxers, specifically the bill gates conspiracy ones.

Mr Coffee

Anyone cis-gender who states their pronouns on LinkedIn or their email signature.  


My main contact at a client did this for about 2 weeks, then mysteriously stopped.

T pot, which Gates conspiracy? 

1. The "Vaccine is 5g remote control" one?

2. The "He's buying all the farm land to control global food production and reduce the population" ones?

3. The "He's buying all the houses on the market to force us all to live in enriched urban hellholes" one?

4. The "bill is a transman and Melinda is a transwoman" one?

People wearing a Casio watch as an indicator of how chill and unbothered by material things they are

People who boast about nailing their husband in the morning on an internet forum


*runs and hides

Those slightly shapeless woolly hats worn on the back of the head sagging at the back.  You know the kind favoured by trustafarian ski bums doing a season with Hugh and Tarquin in Val.

Dave - did someone post about pegging their husband?!?!

Expats who drone on about nailing hot Asians life overseas.

Someone who genuinely loves John Mayer/Jason Mraz. 

Getting “custom suits” at Suit Supply (or other) and acting like you’ve been down Saville Row

Sunglasses on string around neck (>40 is age appropriate

White guys who say “NINJA” when singing along to black rappers/singers

City lawyers masquerading as travelling football supporters. 


1. Any sort of jewelry other than a watch (which should cost less than £250) and a wedding ring.

2. Designer sunglasses and stubble. The more obtrusive the branding on the sunglasses the bigger the warning sign.

3. Garish ties worn to work.


1. Cosmetic surgery, enhancements, botox, fillers etc.

2. Expensive handbags.

3. Driving a massive SUV on the school run.







I wear ties to work.

And I may or may not own at least two ties by Etro. 

School run mums dressed to kill at 7am and acting like they have to be presenting to the G20 or hitting the catwalk in ten minutes. 


haha @ Linda having another racist swipe at Palestinians again. Can she be banned already?

Imagine being annoyed at someone supporting a country which has children being kicked out of their homes and blown to bits.