Not much you can do other than gently tell him to see his GP as you worry that he may be depressed.  If he gets to the GP then hopefully some of the warning signs you mentioned might be noticeable.  Of course he might just be depressed, it can do weird stuff to you.  I never suffered from the smelly thing, I'm too fastidious for that, but becoming obsessed about something, in this case a fund management career, is also a clear sign of depression.

GP is a nice idea, but he's been depressed for some time. And he's depressed because his life is a mess, not because he has an underlying mental illness. The problem is that a GP will not tell him his life is a mess.

:(

Thing is, if he gets treated for the depression it may help him see things more clearly.  Worked for me to a degree. 

maybe, i suppose its chicken and egg. but he's been treated before, and seen a therapist, but things are no different....he's still living in this slightly delusional realm where he's still going to make it as a high flyer, despite no evidence whatsoever that this is the case

If he is that badly delusional and isn't getting any help it may be that you have to sit back and perhaps just be there to pick up the pieces, if you are so inclined. Can't make the horse drink the water and all that.

i'm thinking of telling him he's delusional, that his dream is never going to happen, but that he has plenty of options to do something else and have a good life. though feck knows how i do that

the problem of just leaving nature to take its course, is that i dont think there'll be any pieces to pick up, i think its binary. I think the point of no return could be close

When people are delusional it doesn't matter what you tell them they still think that they are secretly correct.  Trust me on this, I have lots of experience!

ah feck

another good friend of mine a while back became seriously anorexic (and now has ostoeperosis as a result). she recalls the time another friend wrote her a letter saying how concerned she was, and that all she felt was anger when she received it. at the time i remember thinking that i should have said something too, but i was too pvssy. anyway, she's fine now and very happy and married with child etc, but it took a few good years before she sorted herself out

Your friend sounds like me, but I've got a job (not a fund manager though). Lolz

plz smrz

Do NOT write a letter

Letters are such a dick move

That is like my friend who has serious delusions that she is going to be the next JK Rowling and has actually self-published literally the worst book ever.

She isn't smelly or depressed, owns her own flat in Notting Hill and holds down a well paid job, but she also genuinely believes that the SIS are following her, bugging her flat and that the woman in the flat above is running a crack factory.  also many other delusions.  it is actually a proper mental illness in the DSM, but you just can't tell her that she is delusional because then she gets weirdly paranoid that you are out to get her.

Those are some deeply concerning and very serious symptoms Judy.  At the least that sounds like schizotypal disorder.  Be careful around her, she could flip out unpredictably.

That is like my friend who has serious delusions that she is going to be the next JK Rowling and has actually self-published literally the worst book ever.

I have a friend who did this; the books were in plied up her garage for ages.  Its never mentioned now and I suspect the books have been pulped.    

we sort of fell out when I explained to her that copyright simply subsists in a work and is not a registrable right like trade marks.

She really flipped.  

This was in the context of my saying to her (before I read the turd) that the best way to make the impact that she is hoping for the book (Sunday Times bestseller list, profiles in Vogue etc) is to get an agent. 

She then said to me that agents and publishing houses will take her copyright.  We then got into a debate about IP rights (which I know slightly more about than she does) and she went on and on about people stealing her book. - she's nuts.

She has also told me how she was poisoned by the water supply in her last apartment.

I'm guessing that she's mid thirties and single. Or possibly has a married lover. Amirite tho?

Rhamnousia08 Nov 18 10:39

Do NOT write a letter

Letters are such a dick move

its that or do it in person.....which i think he might run away from

Hog tie him with a lassoo so he can't run away.*

*may have been playing too much RDR2.

she is single.

Early 40s. 

she is really secretive and cagey about her age so I looked it up on companies house.

Stalker!

well she was just ridiculously cagey about it, and it's not like she is wildly older than me!

I do interstalk her authorial social media though as it makes me heh

Bless. Don't be mean to mad people..., ??

heh

i rememeber from my internet dating days how easy it was to find information on people. I'd be an epic stalker/private-investigator

OP,  so he has spent 15 years trying to be a fund manager? how did he sustain himself meanwhile?

doing a string of temp jobs at funds, which he kept getting fired from. reasons for firing range seem to be a combination of bad luck and p1ssing people off. The exact ratio of this combination of reasons is debatable 

another good friend of mine a while back became seriously anorexic (and now has ostoeperosis as a result). she recalls the time another friend wrote her a letter saying how concerned she was, and that all she felt was anger when she received it.

So did this letter make any difference whatsoever?  People won’t listen if they aren’t ready to hear it. If you feel duty bound to say something (for your own piece of mind) I would stick to offering your support and suggesting that if he ever wanted to consider alternative career options that you’d happily discuss those with him. If he looks up to you then maybe suggest what you would do in his shoes, but without saying “your life is a mess sort it out m6” as that never helped anyone. 

As I say, this is more for your own benefit that you tried, he’ll only be ready to make changes in his own time and on his own terms. 

Good luck. 

Wot Fonders said.

reluctantly, i also agree. though the natural conclusion to this is doing, accept its his problem, and basically forget about him. which is what i'd decided to do after i last saw him.

my Mad friend went to the book reading of a girl who has just signed a 3 book deal with Penguin - all she could do was mock her - for reasons I could not fathom.  Mad friend objected to the phrase: the chair was standing silently.

This is an extract from my mad friend's self-published book: "'The house is so empty without you!' Zara's mum gasped. 'I know what you mean mum,' Zara stated knowingly.  For the first time in her life, she knew exactly what her mum meant."

heh

And was there a reason why none of his temp gigs didn’t work out? He must have had a few ?

some of them did, in so far as he was there a few years. Obv i dont know the details, but the way he talked about it it sounded like (on more than one occasion) he went over the head of his boss when he disagreed with decisions they'd made. Not a smart political move, unless you're a star performer, which he wasnt.

He also once told me a story about asking his boss for feedback/reasons why he'd been given poor mark for teamwork (or something similar). The told him "i think you'll need to ask your colleagues for more details". Now, that boss could have been a complete dick or, more likely, my mate is a bit of an aloof bellend at work. The irony is that outside of work he's polite and sensitive and a little bit effeminate.  

Well in that case you could encourage him to go on The Apprentice, plenty of like-minded fellows on there

ok done. no reply so far, i'm not really expecting one to be honest. but after running it past some friends on friday that know him, the consensus was i at least need to try something.....so i did the 'dick move' and basically told him he's got the potential for a great life, but he needs to a) open his eyes to his situation, b) recognise the guys he's working with are fvcking him, and and c) start washing. obviously i'm paraphrasing. 

probably an imperfect angle of attack, but every approach is flawed somehow or other

You are right to hit it head on.  I've a mate whose pattern has been to lose his job, lose his girlfriend and drink too much on a 3 year cycle (give or take) for 20 years.  He is charismatic and bright and likeable; it's the booze that does for him really.  When were were younger I didn't say much because it took a while for the pattern to emerge and I didn't really have the maturity to go about it.

But on the last round of booze/break up/job loss where he was blaming everybody but himself (again) I asked him what he thought the odds were that everyone was wrong about every instance where he supposedly drank too much and was an arse: his girlfriend, her parents, his family, her friends, his colleagues, his friends (including me).  I then said that even if he was right and they/we were all wrong, it still didn't matter because if he wanted to have any relationships/jobs/friends he had to fall in line with others' expecations.  For the first time he admitted that he understood and this was right.

Anyway he hasn't changed.

people need to want to change. i think a lot/some people who are alcoholics/homeless/whatever are so because of a feeling that it somehow marks them out as special or unique. My mate mentioned his sister the other night, she's a copper apparently and so is her husband. By all accounts a pretty average life, but still stable and probably happy. its exact opposite of what my mate wants. his approach is binary, its all or nothing. but the point he misses is that you cant have it all if you have nothing, you cannot start from zero and get everything, not in the time he's got left. so he persists in the believe that he's somehow better off where he is because at least he's not average

Hm

Maybe he is tho?

Better to live in a happy fantasy than a mundane reality probs

The special/unique point is an interesting one.  In discussions with my mate he more or less said that he was special and that one of the main reasons he couldn't do what others told him is because that would be him changing his personality.

And I told him yeah that's basically what being responsible is.  And he wouldn't have to change it anyway if he wasn't such a bellend.

But the 'special' thing probably never works, or works very very rarely. When i look at friends taht have had the most success, they typically just got there by methodically plugging away and being pretty boring in the process. 

like they say, it takes 20 years to make an overnight success

Yeah exactly, you can't just turn up, be a flash, pissed bastard and get paid millions for the privilege.   Which my friend thinks he can do.

WRONG.

Wrong wrong wrong wrong.

You totally CAN turn up, just a flash pissed bastard and get paid millions.

But you have to be born into it. 

Otherwise: LOL: sorry, no change, peasant. A ha ha ha ha ha.

Honestly, I can't believe I'm having to say this in 2018. 

Ah, to clarify, he's a mere peasant unfortunately.

Otherwise, with my serious head on, this is an interesting and thought provoking thread. Thank you.
I think I'm underpaid.
Met up with a uni friend last night who has set up own company and is doing well.
Said I was thinking about moving job.
He said "Why? You're probably on a good whack?" 
I asked him what he thought that would be.
He guessed correctly, stating "That's a good amount. What are you doing. And, besides, that's like £ x 0.4 in real money because you like in the regions and everything is free here because you all sponge off London."

He was, of course, too polite to say "Plus you'll inherit £3.5 million, WTF are you moaning about?"

Sigh. "what are you doing? And, besides, that's like £ x 1.4 in real money".

the “special” thing is interesting. I actually have respect for that attitude to some extent if someone is convinced they have to be true to themselves and won’t change for other people. But what usually gets left out of that analysis is that you have to be prepared to accept the consequences of being true to yourself and most people are not. 

thanks Cookie, i'll leave him to get on with throwing himself off a tall building then (his words, FAOD)

Grant - i'm not, he is. And, no, i dont understand either

So cookie do you think you just shouldn’t say anything if you’re worried about someone?  It tends to be more organic than a “staged intervention”.  

i haven't told him anything else, ever. also "It assumes all your friends want the same things and are equally dull", errr, no, it assumes all my friends want to make at least vague preparations for their future, which he hasn't, hence i'm worried that his life is just going to start getting a lot harder if he doesnt start addressing some of these problems

and when you add to this the fact he a) isn't washing, b) has joked about suicide, and c) is being screwed over by the people he's working for, i have legitimate concerns for his wellbeing

why are you being such a dick, m3? 

wow, what happened to you?

It sounds like he needs to change jobs. L3 drives a van and is as happy as a sand boy.

it sounds like the friend likes his food so he might even get a discount on that if he drives supermarket deliveries around - win win.

Heh you didn’t just type that did you Lydia!? In 2018 ffs you really can’t say that anymore!

Grant - no idea. probably because he thinks its 'posh'