Swap shop

Two children 8 and 12

will exchange for a Buck's Fizz keyring or card 102 from the 1986 World Cup sticker book 

any takers?

Nope. If I had a Bucks Fizz keyring, I'd be keeping it. Those gals are proper Brexiteers. 

I can hear a Bernstein post of finely-honed ultracreepiness coming down the runway.

If my house was bigger I’d take them for the weekend....but it’s not and I can’t anyway this weekend. What have they done?

I know someone who at (a fairly immature) 18 agreed to "watch" her sister's 7 yr old.

She was charged with child neglect when the 7 yr old was found wandering a park, having left while my acquaintance was watching TV.

Seemed very harsh I thought.

(I have never babysat but the kids are hardly like "oh no auntie clergs we love her" anyway)

Looking for a swap for a week or so:

4 year old boy with very rare genes (aka a ginger) on offer -

will take anything on more than two legs in return.

the utterly banal process of cajoling, telling and shouting that is getting them ready for school Dusty. It's so tedious 

my dad once told me after a beer that you can't really trust ginger people

my sister is ginger

God you don't want to swap a child for a dog. Dogs are just like a hairier smellier toddler. 

you can lock them in a room all day and the police won't come tho

although there will be a lot of poo

(tho I had assumed woo was making a tripod reference if u know what I mean)

Have you met my toddler? I'll take the dog for a week or so. 

A tripod reference?? No. I was going for cat/dog/bunny.

4 isn't a toddler is it?

Just run away to another country where they don't have a child maintenance agreement with the UK. Or the Netherlands, I guess.

well more than two legs includes the option of three u see

I don't know any creatures with three legs. 

Isn't 4 a toddler still? Small human wotevs. So, what do you say? Just a week. I could do 5 days too. I don't want to run away, I just want to not see/hear/smell him for a few days. And not do play doh/football/fingerpainting/bathtime/Gruffalo/refusing to eat/refusing to get out of bed/refusing to get into bed/refusing to brush teeth/refusing to go to school/refusing to get dressed/refusing to JUSTFUCKINGLISTENANDDOWHATISAYFORONCEGODDAMMIT.

No fucking way am I going back to the "craft" stage. Uh uh 

I think children are a dreadful self-inflicted curse on women in a time of unparalleled freedom and opportunity. To breed is to flip off the universe for creating you in this space and time.

So I would do it if I could also have £1m and two full time nannies for the week.

"refusing to get out of bed/refusing to get into bed/refusing to brush teeth/refusing to go to school/refusing to get dressed"

this never stops IME

is craft not all right? I imagined that as being one of the all right bits.

"So I would do it if I could also have £1m and two full time nannies for the week."

Umm... I think you need Ceiling Cat for that one. Soz. 

Play doh leaves you with really strange coloured dirt under your fingernails.

Oh no clergs. You would think so, but they are so shit at it and make so much mess

best left to childminder / nursery for sure 

Well I spent yesterday cooing over newborns (weirdly as I am not generally bothered by them - I blame my age/hormones) and now I am just quietly grateful for necking my Cilest pill this morning.

heh! I actually dimly remember being made to "help out" in the nursery attached to my primary school and being like "wtf why are these kids so dumb"

"Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies" is a well worn trope.

They are REALLY shit at it. And they refuse to listen when you try to tell them they're doing it wrong. Dunning-Kruger for four year olds. And then they see you making something semi decent and they want it and take it or poke their fingers in your play-doh dinosaur that actually resembled a (very lumpy) dinosaur. 

I thought they made enviro glitter now

faod I do not use glitter

I coo over newborns, I love my children. But this morning I had just had e-fucking-nough of the feigned deafness/dumb insolence (daughter) and shouty hormonal uncooperativeness (son)


newborns just look like developmentally impaired monkeys I think

and I don't even like monkeys

I hate monkeys. Babies are more like naked puppies or kittens tho. That blind/bald/mewling phase. Sort of scary/almost cute but not really. Your own child smells really nice tho. The high I got from smelling his head was ace. Now I first check for lice.


I don't really believe I would find the scent of lifelong bondage pleasant but it's good there's some sort of payoff

We have definitely regressed 

Time was when children got their own breakfast,  walked to school, and if they didn't get there in time they got flak

The 'not getting up in time' syndrome lasted about one day

You are an admirable person , Hoolie, working full time and looking

after 2 kids

Clergs there is an almost proper scientific theory that humans are all stuck in perpetual juvenility - hence the naked ape thing (not you clubbers).  There are some salamanders that have the same thing and if injected with the right hormone they turn into proper big daddymanders. The ancestors tale by Dawkins covers this iirc 

  See Huxley's After Many A Summer for a weird fiction on this.

what do you think would happen to us if we became our adult selves??

I often think it would be much better if human children were more like sheep (running about in the fields and pleasing themselves for grass from an early age)

Huxley's book theorizes on just that.

You put me in mind of an Adams quote (apologies for misremembering) "mankind thought it was the most intelligent life form on earth because they had invented work and laws and taxes whilst dolphins just pissed about in the sea having fun.  Dolphins thought they were the most intelligent for precisely the same reasons."