Roman poetry thread

 

On the Pantheon it's written:

M.AGRIPPA.L.F.COS.TERTIUM.FECIT

The Pantheon still stands but

Agrippa did not make it.

 

Caesar et sum iam forte

Brutus aderat

Caesar sic in omnibus

Brutus in isat 

O sibili si ergo,
Fortibuses in ero.
O nobili, demis trux:
Sevatis enim? Cowsendux!

I'm rather partial

To a bit of Martial

Of Rome he's taught us

Much more than Plautus

Latin is a language, as dead as dead can be,

First it killed the Romans and now it's killing me.

There was a young lady of Rome

Who couldn't find her way home

She walked every street

Getting very sore feet

That wayward young lady of Rome.

Tony and Cleo

Struck out for the free-o

Down Egypt way

But Caesar

Had squeezed her

In Rome on his quilt for a day

To Egypt Marc Anthony came,

to seek Cleopatra by name,

but that old dog, Caesar,

had already 'pleased her'

"I saw, I conquered, I came".

There was a young man called Domitian 

Who was working on nuclear fission 

'Lucretius!' he declared

E equals MC squared

Thus ended his war of attrition.

 

Pity the Roman lawyer

Fretting in the senate's foyer

He wants to be Ciceronian

But will surely turn out baloneyan

Jeremy10 Jun 21 14:02

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Caesar et sum iam forte

Brutus aderat

Caesar sic in omnibus

Brutus in isat 
 

 

i learned that one as 

 

Caesar ad sum iam forte

Pompey aderat

Caesar sic in omnibus

Pompey sic in at. 

Said Dante Alighieri
To Virgil on the ferry,
“What is that stink, what is that smell?”
“That is the Styx, and we’re in hell.”

In exile mused the sad poet, Ovid,

"By the Black Sea is really quite horrid.

I miss my friends from Rome

and my family at home,

but at least here I've escaped from COVID"

The trouble with Ovid's vaccine doses,

is they don't cope with Metamorphoses.

It was a misunderstanding

When she turned up on the landing.

Nero, as befits his teen age,

Wanted to empty his sexual rage.

The fault was partly Agrippina's

Who mis-heard his "I grip penis".

It's true to say his deeds were heinous 

He married  a boy, cut off his penis. 

 

 

 

 

 

The great emperor Caracalla

Left a legacy like no other

A great house he built

With steam to be filled

Which of all baths was clearly the 'mother'. 

 

Hadrian's Wall, back in the day,

Kept those troublesome Scots at bay,

but the next referendum,

May serve best to send'em

Back home forever to stay. 

"A lyrical poet, am I"

Said Horace to the maid on his thigh

"When my muse 'on fire'

I get filled with desire

But prefer on these 'spliffs' to get high. 

Lucan and Seneca

Both had AstraZeneca.

They thought it heroic

To take like a Stoic.

Julius Caesar 

preferred to take Pfizer

They jabbed him on the Ides o'

March. 

The great orator, Cicero

Liked pretty maids all in a row. 

He would please 'em and tease 'em

Before he'd seize 'em and squeeze 'em

But all before #metoo, long ago

The Emperor Claudius

Used to keep a bawdy house.

When he became more criminal

He opened a brothel on the Viminal.

Poor Aeneas had to go

His future country beckoned

That quickie he had in the cave 

it only took a second

Hidden in Plutrarch's many a tome,

 

Is that when they were never 'at home'

 

You could find Cleo and Caesar, 

 

in a tavern near Giza

 

secretly 'chinning for Rome'!

Liddell and Scott, Liddell and Scott:

One was clever, one was not.

Friends, gather round and answer me this riddle:

Which was Scott and which was Liddell?

And so these two illustrious ladies,

Bravely drove their car to Hades.

Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo,
Aureli pathice et cinaede Furi,
qui me ex versiculis meis putastis,
quod sunt molliculi, parum pudicum.
Nam castum esse decet pium poetam
ipsum, versiculos nihil necesse est;
qui tum denique habent salem ac leporem,
si sunt molliculi ac parum pudici,
et quod pruriat incitare possunt,
non dico pueris, sed his pilosis
qui duros nequeunt movere lumbos.
Vos, quod milia multa basiorum
legistis, male me marem putatis?
Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo.
 

The master can’t be surpassed

^ I had "Catullus 97" on a football shirt once.  (Couldn't get it as XCVII.)

Odi et amo.

Quare id faciam,

fortasse requiris.

Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.

Martial Epigram 7.18

Cum tibi sit facies de qua nec femina possit
    dicere, cum corpus nulla litura notet,
cur te tam rarus cupiat repetatque fututor
    miraris? Vitium est non leue, Galla, tibi.
Accessi quotiens ad opus mixtisque mouemur              
    inguinibus, cunnus non tacet, ipsa taces.
di facerent ut tu loquereris et ille taceret:
    offendor cunni garrulitate tui.
Pedere te mallem: namque hoc nec inutile dicit
    Symmachus et risum res mouet ista simul.             
Quis ridere potest fatui poppysmata cunni?
    Cum sonat hic, cui non mentula mensque cadit?
Dic aliquid saltem clamosoque obstrepe cunno
    et, si adeo muta es, disce uel inde loqui.

 

How offensive. 

That's the first use of the word "poppysmata" I've, er, come across.

Ist's great that he wanted to give his ladyfriend a voice but what is that noise she's making exactly? 

ποππύζω 1

I. [select] to whistle, cheep or chirpAr.

II. [select] of an inarticulate sound, commonly used by the Greeks in case of thunder, as a sort of charm, id=Ar.

III. [select] in bad sense, to play ill on the flute, let the breath be heard in playing, Theocr.

 

That reminds me.

Many years ago, some one called "Catullus" used to be a regular poster on RoF. 

Whatever happened to him? Anyone know?

"To the South Coast without delay"

said Caesar, when he came England's way.

"I know it's all in the name,

but I must see that game

And it's kick-off at 9 at Pompey"

Said Horace to Virgil one time,

"I know that you think it's a crime,

but try as I may,

it still hurts me to say

that I just can't get my lyrics to rhyme"

Said Virgil to his mate Flaccus 

If you want the patrons to back us 

To increase your billables try hendecasyllables 

Who cares if the critics attack us?  

 

Said Caesar to Marc Anthony "You swine,

with you, Cleo has been having a good time. 

Although she claimed that I pleased her,

in Rome when I squeezed her,

it seems yours is clearly bigger than mine"

Said Catullus to Lesbia in the buff,

"of your charms I just can't get enough,

but if in the hay we now roll,

I'll lose all self-control,

and you may end up up the duff"

With Ovid, you know what you'll get:

verses by the score - but rhymes? Not yet!

He's still working on metre

to endear the reader

to yet another clever, but risqé couplet.

Ovid left the imperial system

While feet and yards he missed em 

He preferred working in metres 

Changed pints for litres

And gave up LSD in his wisdom. 

 

Old Pliny, as most scholars may know,

Was invited to see a volcano.

Such was the ash pluvius

Caused by Mount Vesuvius

That his nephew most wisely could say no.

While sitting in the Gardens of Lucullus,

mused a scion of the poet Catullus,

to some in the US it's a must

to shout "it's Bernie or bust"

just as once it was "aut Caesar aut nullus"

There was an old stoic called Cato 

Who couldn't resist mashed potato 

When told: 'think on your virtue!', 

and that 'abstinence will not hurt you'. 

He continued to fill up his plate-o. 

 

The poets left a legacy more lasting than bronze, 

Recorded in men's minds and in their hearts. 

Passed down in manuscripts then books

and now preserved as noughts and ones. 

 

Ancient Rome, on the banks of the Tiber

was not known for its great moral fibre;

and as there was no contraception,

its maidens were, from inception,

quite happy to take it 'up the Khyber'. 

As the world's greatest learner,

Elder Pliny swore by Moderna.

His nephew preferred to drink bleach.

'Have you seen the cost?'

The younger Pliny wrote to his uncle 

'Moderna's about thirty pounds each!'. 

 

Claimed McEnroe to his friends, quite delirious,

"You know I'm descended from Marcus Aurelius,

and like an Emperor I've fought

other 'kings' of the court" 

But said they: "You cannot be serious". 

 

It's known that the gods prefer cricket 

But Olympus is a terrible wicket. 

Mercury has pace and takes catches 

But the rest of the team throw the matches. 

And when Jupiter's bowled out he'll be wicked 

And declare that the ball is 'non licet'. 

Said Tiberius to his mother, Livia,

as election fever gripped all forms of media:

"from this manifesto you wrote,

the main thing I note,

is you're more right wing than RoF's famous Lydia". 

A short-sighted boy named myopticus

Was trying out recipes for octopus

Said Caesar: "it's all there for the world to see",

as he watched the Euros live on TV,

"we've defied all the odds

and we play like the Gods 

- it's now 'coming back home' to Italy"

 

 

 

 

Hannibal the brilliant strategian

marauded the Cisalpine region 

Crossed the Alps trans to cis 

And kept in one piece 

The whole of his elephant legion. 

 

There was an old man from Modena 

Who went off and married his cleaner 

Although she lacked polish 

her carnal knowledge,

he said, was enough to redeem her. 

The courtesan known as 'Lydia'

Has seldom been much busier 

In spite of her Chlamydia.

And though she harbours scrofula

With clients she stays popular. 

Virgil a pretty maid once spied,

and with a smile accepted her ride. 

But not long after that passionate hump 

there appeared a profound baby bump

and she sure now feels that kick inside. 

You'd think that Jugurtha

Would be more worth a

Poem than the callous

Prose of dull Sallust.

From those risqé scenes in Cabaret

to those in Fifty Shades of Gray,

I know they're not for wokes 

but I did like the jokes

of Lurcio, the slave, in 'Up Pompeii'. 

To RoFette, Hools, so they say,

said Caesar (when in Bristol he did stay):

"A word of advice, if I may,

as I heard you and G shag 'most every day,

but with six kids already, best be prepared for more on the way".

When Caesar was at Aquae Sulis 

He made a quick visit to Hoolis. 

Said the Pontiff to our own Judy Carter:

"No need to behave like a martyr,

but just let your self go,

give in to your own libido

and we can both be consumed by our ardour"