Roman poetry thread

 

On the Pantheon it's written:

M.AGRIPPA.L.F.COS.TERTIUM.FECIT

The Pantheon still stands but

Agrippa did not make it.

 

Jeremy10 Jun 21 14:02

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Caesar et sum iam forte

Brutus aderat

Caesar sic in omnibus

Brutus in isat 
 

 

i learned that one as 

 

Caesar ad sum iam forte

Pompey aderat

Caesar sic in omnibus

Pompey sic in at. 

In exile mused the sad poet, Ovid,

"By the Black Sea is really quite horrid.

I miss my friends from Rome

and my family at home,

but at least here I've escaped from COVID"

It was a misunderstanding

When she turned up on the landing.

Nero, as befits his teen age,

Wanted to empty his sexual rage.

The fault was partly Agrippina's

Who mis-heard his "I grip penis".

The great orator, Cicero

Liked pretty maids all in a row. 

He would please 'em and tease 'em

Before he'd seize 'em and squeeze 'em

But all before #metoo, long ago

Hidden in Plutrarch's many a tome,

 

Is that when they were never 'at home'

 

You could find Cleo and Caesar, 

 

in a tavern near Giza

 

secretly 'chinning for Rome'!

Liddell and Scott, Liddell and Scott:

One was clever, one was not.

Friends, gather round and answer me this riddle:

Which was Scott and which was Liddell?

Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo,
Aureli pathice et cinaede Furi,
qui me ex versiculis meis putastis,
quod sunt molliculi, parum pudicum.
Nam castum esse decet pium poetam
ipsum, versiculos nihil necesse est;
qui tum denique habent salem ac leporem,
si sunt molliculi ac parum pudici,
et quod pruriat incitare possunt,
non dico pueris, sed his pilosis
qui duros nequeunt movere lumbos.
Vos, quod milia multa basiorum
legistis, male me marem putatis?
Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo.
 

The master can’t be surpassed

Martial Epigram 7.18

Cum tibi sit facies de qua nec femina possit
    dicere, cum corpus nulla litura notet,
cur te tam rarus cupiat repetatque fututor
    miraris? Vitium est non leue, Galla, tibi.
Accessi quotiens ad opus mixtisque mouemur              
    inguinibus, cunnus non tacet, ipsa taces.
di facerent ut tu loquereris et ille taceret:
    offendor cunni garrulitate tui.
Pedere te mallem: namque hoc nec inutile dicit
    Symmachus et risum res mouet ista simul.             
Quis ridere potest fatui poppysmata cunni?
    Cum sonat hic, cui non mentula mensque cadit?
Dic aliquid saltem clamosoque obstrepe cunno
    et, si adeo muta es, disce uel inde loqui.

 

How offensive. 

"To the South Coast without delay"

said Caesar, when he came England's way.

"I know it's all in the name,

but I must see that game

And it's kick-off at 9 at Pompey"

Said Virgil to his mate Flaccus 

If you want the patrons to back us 

To increase your billables try hendecasyllables 

Who cares if the critics attack us?  

 

Said Caesar to Marc Anthony "You swine,

with you, Cleo has been having a good time. 

Although she claimed that I pleased her,

in Rome when I squeezed her,

it seems yours is clearly bigger than mine"

Said Catullus to Lesbia in the buff,

"of your charms I just can't get enough,

but if in the hay we now roll,

I'll lose all self-control,

and you may end up up the duff"

With Ovid, you know what you'll get:

verses by the score - but rhymes? Not yet!

He's still working on metre

to endear the reader

to yet another clever, but risqé couplet.

Old Pliny, as most scholars may know,

Was invited to see a volcano.

Such was the ash pluvius

Caused by Mount Vesuvius

That his nephew most wisely could say no.

While sitting in the Gardens of Lucullus,

mused a scion of the poet Catullus,

to some in the US it's a must

to shout "it's Bernie or bust"

just as once it was "aut Caesar aut nullus"

There was an old stoic called Cato 

Who couldn't resist mashed potato 

When told: 'think on your virtue!', 

and that 'abstinence will not hurt you'. 

He continued to fill up his plate-o. 

 

The poets left a legacy more lasting than bronze, 

Recorded in men's minds and in their hearts. 

Passed down in manuscripts then books

and now preserved as noughts and ones. 

 

Ancient Rome, on the banks of the Tiber

was not known for its great moral fibre;

and as there was no contraception,

its maidens were, from inception,

quite happy to take it 'up the Khyber'. 

As the world's greatest learner,

Elder Pliny swore by Moderna.

His nephew preferred to drink bleach.

'Have you seen the cost?'

The younger Pliny wrote to his uncle 

'Moderna's about thirty pounds each!'. 

 

Claimed McEnroe to his friends, quite delirious,

"You know I'm descended from Marcus Aurelius,

and like an Emperor I've fought

other 'kings' of the court" 

But said they: "You cannot be serious". 

 

It's known that the gods prefer cricket 

But Olympus is a terrible wicket. 

Mercury has pace and takes catches 

But the rest of the team throw the matches. 

And when Jupiter's bowled out he'll be wicked 

And declare that the ball is 'non licet'. 

Said Tiberius to his mother, Livia,

as election fever gripped all forms of media:

"from this manifesto you wrote,

the main thing I note,

is you're more right wing than RoF's famous Lydia". 

Said Caesar: "it's all there for the world to see",

as he watched the Euros live on TV,

"we've defied all the odds

and we play like the Gods 

- it's now 'coming back home' to Italy"

 

 

 

 

There was an old man from Modena 

Who went off and married his cleaner 

Although she lacked polish 

her carnal knowledge,

he said, was enough to redeem her. 

Virgil a pretty maid once spied,

and with a smile accepted her ride. 

But not long after that passionate hump 

there appeared a profound baby bump

and she sure now feels that kick inside. 

From those risqé scenes in Cabaret

to those in Fifty Shades of Gray,

I know they're not for wokes 

but I did like the jokes

of Lurcio, the slave, in 'Up Pompeii'. 

To RoFette, Hools, so they say,

said Caesar (when in Bristol he did stay):

"A word of advice, if I may,

as I heard you and G shag 'most every day,

but with six kids already, best be prepared for more on the way".

Said the Pontiff to our own Judy Carter:

"No need to behave like a martyr,

but just let your self go,

give in to your own libido

and we can both be consumed by our ardour"

 

Said Tony to Cleo, with a smirk and a smile:

"Since the last time we 'did it' has been quite a while,

and at the sight of your bust,

I have to surrender to lust;

so now just you lie back and 'think of the Nile'"

An architect by the name of Vitruvius 

Whose qualifications were quite dubious 

Confounded his clients 

By ignoring the science 

And built a house on top of Vesuvius. 

 

Said Caesar: "This Hancock affair reminds me"

as he cuddled his mistress sat on his knee,

"my wife, Portia, is not at all aware

of the time together we share,

so let's make sure we're not caught on CCTV"

Said Augustus to his wife, Livia

"The Euros are much more than just trivia.

They're consuming all of Rome,

and to bring the Cup home,

we may first have to beat Britannia"

According to Tacitus' history,

Germanicus' death was no mystery. 

 

After crossing the channel,

so says the Annal,

the German was slain

shots from Stirling and Kane. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There once was a man called Petronius

Whose theories were often erroneous

He'd bet big on the French

Leaving Pog on the bench

And denied de Ligt's foul was felonious.

Alternative version to octo's 09:29 -

The marriage of Julia Augusta

was boring and lacking in lustre. 

Her only joy,

was to play with her 'toy'

as deep as the strength she could muster. 

 

In Britannia, the land of the rain,

they're worried about beating Ukraine. 

Said Caesar, "Why all the fuss?

Even if they park the bus,

you're ok, you've still got Harry Kane"

To the dismay of the great Julius Caesar,

read a big sign on the Pyramids at Giza:

"You claim your wife's above suspicion,

but is that a wise decision? -

as you're a cuckold, and I've already 'pleased' her!"

 

Said Obelix to Asterix the Gaul,

"That performance had much to appal, 

France were a team of quitters

and missed too many sitters,

while the Swiss seemed to be having a ball!"

Asterix asked Getafix the Druid,

To give him some magical fluid, 

To help him with menhir erection. 

The man misconstrued

While strength was imbued

Growth his member accrued 

And he displayed his love and affection. 

 

Said Caesar, as he lazed by the sea,

"I've become as woke as woke can be. 

I'll head back to Rome

and on my way home,

I'll tear down all those statues of me". 

Keeping with the wokerati 

Caesar held a toga party. 

Following a strict agenda, 

He assigned each guest another gender.

All the girls were dressed as vicars

and all the guys as tarts wore knickers. 

Pompeia the pious admitted to Gaius,

clutching her breast, she was torn.

"I fear that latterly,

I've succumbed to flattery.

I'm in the third trimest. It's not your'n. "

 

Said Caesar, impressed by Italia,

"In the semis we now meet Hispania: 

but we'll be away from our Rome,

and with so many games at home,

the favourites must sure be Britannia"

Caesar rested himself in a bar near Brussels,

 With a plate of chips and a pot of mussels. 

"We've beaten the Belgae two-one, we keep winning. 

Now get in some Stellas and let's do some chinning."

 

Aeneas, when a young student at 'Caius',

many fellow students did brazenly tease. 

When about his conduct he was pressed,

said "your charges don't leave me stressed:

as son of a god, I can do as I please"

 

 

"Caesar, pay heed to what I've been telling ya'

and beware that team from Britannia. 

They've just won in Rome

and claim "it's coming home"

and have no fear of playing Italia"