Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo,
Aureli pathice et cinaede Furi,
qui me ex versiculis meis putastis,
quod sunt molliculi, parum pudicum.
Nam castum esse decet pium poetam
ipsum, versiculos nihil necesse est;
qui tum denique habent salem ac leporem,
si sunt molliculi ac parum pudici,
et quod pruriat incitare possunt,
non dico pueris, sed his pilosis
qui duros nequeunt movere lumbos.
Vos, quod milia multa basiorum
legistis, male me marem putatis?
Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo.
Cum tibi sit facies de qua nec femina possit
dicere, cum corpus nulla litura notet,
cur te tam rarus cupiat repetatque fututor
miraris? Vitium est non leue, Galla, tibi.
Accessi quotiens ad opus mixtisque mouemur
inguinibus, cunnus non tacet, ipsa taces.
di facerent ut tu loquereris et ille taceret:
offendor cunni garrulitate tui.
Pedere te mallem: namque hoc nec inutile dicit
Symmachus et risum res mouet ista simul.
Quis ridere potest fatui poppysmata cunni?
Cum sonat hic, cui non mentula mensque cadit?
Dic aliquid saltem clamosoque obstrepe cunno
et, si adeo muta es, disce uel inde loqui.
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Caesar et sum iam forte
Brutus aderat
Caesar sic in omnibus
Brutus in isat
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O sibili si ergo,
Fortibuses in ero.
O nobili, demis trux:
Sevatis enim? Cowsendux!
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I'm rather partial
To a bit of Martial
Of Rome he's taught us
Much more than Plautus
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Thread designed to bring Judo back?
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Latin is a language, as dead as dead can be,
First it killed the Romans and now it's killing me.
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There was a young lady of Rome
Who couldn't find her way home
She walked every street
Getting very sore feet
That wayward young lady of Rome.
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Tony and Cleo
Struck out for the free-o
Down Egypt way
But Caesar
Had squeezed her
In Rome on his quilt for a day
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To Egypt Marc Anthony came,
to seek Cleopatra by name,
but that old dog, Caesar,
had already 'pleased her'
"I saw, I conquered, I came".
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There was a young man called Domitian
Who was working on nuclear fission
'Lucretius!' he declared
E equals MC squared
Thus ended his war of attrition.
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Pity the Roman lawyer
Fretting in the senate's foyer
He wants to be Ciceronian
But will surely turn out baloneyan
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Jeremy10 Jun 21 14:02
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Caesar et sum iam forte
Brutus aderat
Caesar sic in omnibus
Brutus in isat
i learned that one as
Caesar ad sum iam forte
Pompey aderat
Caesar sic in omnibus
Pompey sic in at.
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Said Dante Alighieri
To Virgil on the ferry,
“What is that stink, what is that smell?”
“That is the Styx, and we’re in hell.”
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CAESAR adsum iam forte
Sed Brutus, passus sum.
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In exile mused the sad poet, Ovid,
"By the Black Sea is really quite horrid.
I miss my friends from Rome
and my family at home,
but at least here I've escaped from COVID"
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The trouble with Ovid's vaccine doses,
is they don't cope with Metamorphoses.
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Heh@scep
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In AD 54 it's said,
Nero took his mum to bed.
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It was a misunderstanding
When she turned up on the landing.
Nero, as befits his teen age,
Wanted to empty his sexual rage.
The fault was partly Agrippina's
Who mis-heard his "I grip penis".
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It's true to say his deeds were heinous
He married a boy, cut off his penis.
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The great emperor Caracalla
Left a legacy like no other
A great house he built
With steam to be filled
Which of all baths was clearly the 'mother'.
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Hadrian's Wall, back in the day,
Kept those troublesome Scots at bay,
but the next referendum,
May serve best to send'em
Back home forever to stay.
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"A lyrical poet, am I"
Said Horace to the maid on his thigh
"When my muse 'on fire'
I get filled with desire
But prefer on these 'spliffs' to get high.
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Lucan and Seneca
Both had AstraZeneca.
They thought it heroic
To take like a Stoic.
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Julius Caesar
preferred to take Pfizer
They jabbed him on the Ides o'
March.
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The great orator, Cicero
Liked pretty maids all in a row.
He would please 'em and tease 'em
Before he'd seize 'em and squeeze 'em
But all before #metoo, long ago
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The Emperor Claudius
Used to keep a bawdy house.
When he became more criminal
He opened a brothel on the Viminal.
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Cato's verse was rather terse;
Cicero's was worse.
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Poor Aeneas had to go
His future country beckoned
That quickie he had in the cave
it only took a second
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Hidden in Plutrarch's many a tome,
Is that when they were never 'at home'
You could find Cleo and Caesar,
in a tavern near Giza
secretly 'chinning for Rome'!
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Liddell and Scott, Liddell and Scott:
One was clever, one was not.
Friends, gather round and answer me this riddle:
Which was Scott and which was Liddell?
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slightly off topic, but who cares
https://twitter.com/drnelk/status/1404195820950503430
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Hope that the insurance covers 'acts of god'
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And so these two illustrious ladies,
Bravely drove their car to Hades.
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Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo,
Aureli pathice et cinaede Furi,
qui me ex versiculis meis putastis,
quod sunt molliculi, parum pudicum.
Nam castum esse decet pium poetam
ipsum, versiculos nihil necesse est;
qui tum denique habent salem ac leporem,
si sunt molliculi ac parum pudici,
et quod pruriat incitare possunt,
non dico pueris, sed his pilosis
qui duros nequeunt movere lumbos.
Vos, quod milia multa basiorum
legistis, male me marem putatis?
Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo.
The master can’t be surpassed
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^ I had "Catullus 97" on a football shirt once. (Couldn't get it as XCVII.)
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Odi et amo.
Quare id faciam,
fortasse requiris.
Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
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Martial Epigram 7.18
Cum tibi sit facies de qua nec femina possit
dicere, cum corpus nulla litura notet,
cur te tam rarus cupiat repetatque fututor
miraris? Vitium est non leue, Galla, tibi.
Accessi quotiens ad opus mixtisque mouemur
inguinibus, cunnus non tacet, ipsa taces.
di facerent ut tu loquereris et ille taceret:
offendor cunni garrulitate tui.
Pedere te mallem: namque hoc nec inutile dicit
Symmachus et risum res mouet ista simul.
Quis ridere potest fatui poppysmata cunni?
Cum sonat hic, cui non mentula mensque cadit?
Dic aliquid saltem clamosoque obstrepe cunno
et, si adeo muta es, disce uel inde loqui.
How offensive.
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That's the first use of the word "poppysmata" I've, er, come across.
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Ist's great that he wanted to give his ladyfriend a voice but what is that noise she's making exactly?
ποππύζω 1
I. [select] to whistle, cheep or chirp, Ar.
II. [select] of an inarticulate sound, commonly used by the Greeks in case of thunder, as a sort of charm, id=Ar.
III. [select] in bad sense, to play ill on the flute, let the breath be heard in playing, Theocr.
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That reminds me.
Many years ago, some one called "Catullus" used to be a regular poster on RoF.
Whatever happened to him? Anyone know?
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"To the South Coast without delay"
said Caesar, when he came England's way.
"I know it's all in the name,
but I must see that game
And it's kick-off at 9 at Pompey"
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Said Horace to Virgil one time,
"I know that you think it's a crime,
but try as I may,
it still hurts me to say
that I just can't get my lyrics to rhyme"
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Said Virgil to his mate Flaccus
If you want the patrons to back us
To increase your billables try hendecasyllables
Who cares if the critics attack us?
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Said Caesar to Marc Anthony "You swine,
with you, Cleo has been having a good time.
Although she claimed that I pleased her,
in Rome when I squeezed her,
it seems yours is clearly bigger than mine"
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Said Catullus to Lesbia in the buff,
"of your charms I just can't get enough,
but if in the hay we now roll,
I'll lose all self-control,
and you may end up up the duff"
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With Ovid, you know what you'll get:
verses by the score - but rhymes? Not yet!
He's still working on metre
to endear the reader
to yet another clever, but risqé couplet.
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Ovid left the imperial system
While feet and yards he missed em
He preferred working in metres
Changed pints for litres
And gave up LSD in his wisdom.
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Old Pliny, as most scholars may know,
Was invited to see a volcano.
Such was the ash pluvius
Caused by Mount Vesuvius
That his nephew most wisely could say no.
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While sitting in the Gardens of Lucullus,
mused a scion of the poet Catullus,
to some in the US it's a must
to shout "it's Bernie or bust"
just as once it was "aut Caesar aut nullus"
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There was an old stoic called Cato
Who couldn't resist mashed potato
When told: 'think on your virtue!',
and that 'abstinence will not hurt you'.
He continued to fill up his plate-o.
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The poets left a legacy more lasting than bronze,
Recorded in men's minds and in their hearts.
Passed down in manuscripts then books
and now preserved as noughts and ones.
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Ancient Rome, on the banks of the Tiber
was not known for its great moral fibre;
and as there was no contraception,
its maidens were, from inception,
quite happy to take it 'up the Khyber'.
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As the world's greatest learner,
Elder Pliny swore by Moderna.
His nephew preferred to drink bleach.
'Have you seen the cost?'
The younger Pliny wrote to his uncle
'Moderna's about thirty pounds each!'.
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Claimed McEnroe to his friends, quite delirious,
"You know I'm descended from Marcus Aurelius,
and like an Emperor I've fought
other 'kings' of the court"
But said they: "You cannot be serious".
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It's known that the gods prefer cricket
But Olympus is a terrible wicket.
Mercury has pace and takes catches
But the rest of the team throw the matches.
And when Jupiter's bowled out he'll be wicked
And declare that the ball is 'non licet'.
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Said Tiberius to his mother, Livia,
as election fever gripped all forms of media:
"from this manifesto you wrote,
the main thing I note,
is you're more right wing than RoF's famous Lydia".
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A short-sighted boy named myopticus
Was trying out recipes for octopus
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Said Caesar: "it's all there for the world to see",
as he watched the Euros live on TV,
"we've defied all the odds
and we play like the Gods
- it's now 'coming back home' to Italy"
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Hannibal the brilliant strategian
marauded the Cisalpine region
Crossed the Alps trans to cis
And kept in one piece
The whole of his elephant legion.
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There was an old man from Modena
Who went off and married his cleaner
Although she lacked polish
her carnal knowledge,
he said, was enough to redeem her.
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The courtesan known as 'Lydia'
Has seldom been much busier
In spite of her Chlamydia.
And though she harbours scrofula
With clients she stays popular.
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Virgil a pretty maid once spied,
and with a smile accepted her ride.
But not long after that passionate hump
there appeared a profound baby bump
and she sure now feels that kick inside.
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You'd think that Jugurtha
Would be more worth a
Poem than the callous
Prose of dull Sallust.
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From those risqé scenes in Cabaret
to those in Fifty Shades of Gray,
I know they're not for wokes
but I did like the jokes
of Lurcio, the slave, in 'Up Pompeii'.
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To RoFette, Hools, so they say,
said Caesar (when in Bristol he did stay):
"A word of advice, if I may,
as I heard you and G shag 'most every day,
but with six kids already, best be prepared for more on the way".
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When Caesar was at Aquae Sulis
He made a quick visit to Hoolis.
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Said the Pontiff to our own Judy Carter:
"No need to behave like a martyr,
but just let your self go,
give in to your own libido
and we can both be consumed by our ardour"
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Said Tony to Cleo, with a smirk and a smile:
"Since the last time we 'did it' has been quite a while,
and at the sight of your bust,
I have to surrender to lust;
so now just you lie back and 'think of the Nile'"
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An architect by the name of Vitruvius
Whose qualifications were quite dubious
Confounded his clients
By ignoring the science
And built a house on top of Vesuvius.
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Amo, amas, amat,
Tits 'n ass 'n twot.
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Romans was filf masters innit.
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Said Caesar: "This Hancock affair reminds me"
as he cuddled his mistress sat on his knee,
"my wife, Portia, is not at all aware
of the time together we share,
so let's make sure we're not caught on CCTV"
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Said Augustus to his wife, Livia
"The Euros are much more than just trivia.
They're consuming all of Rome,
and to bring the Cup home,
we may first have to beat Britannia"
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The marriage of Julia Augusta
Was boring and lacking in lustre
Her only joy
Was to plot for her boy
But even he could not trust her.
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According to Tacitus' history,
Germanicus' death was no mystery.
After crossing the channel,
so says the Annal,
the German was slain
shots from Stirling and Kane.
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There once was a man called Petronius
Whose theories were often erroneous
He'd bet big on the French
Leaving Pog on the bench
And denied de Ligt's foul was felonious.
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Scep, I reckon that Petronious must really be Laz or Wellers - not sure which of them yet, but I am very sure that they are both often erroneous!
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Alternative version to octo's 09:29 -
The marriage of Julia Augusta
was boring and lacking in lustre.
Her only joy,
was to play with her 'toy'
as deep as the strength she could muster.
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It's clear your manuscript's the best
and mine a later palimpsest.
Long ago a crafty monk
hid the words under layers of spunk.
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Heh at Aquae Sulis and also the death of Germanicus. Vg.
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In Britannia, the land of the rain,
they're worried about beating Ukraine.
Said Caesar, "Why all the fuss?
Even if they park the bus,
you're ok, you've still got Harry Kane"
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Caesar left his wife at home
Watching television
He thought he watch the footy in the pub
And that his wife was above suspicion.
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To the dismay of the great Julius Caesar,
read a big sign on the Pyramids at Giza:
"You claim your wife's above suspicion,
but is that a wise decision? -
as you're a cuckold, and I've already 'pleased' her!"
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Although the writing was in Coptics
no one mistook the massive cock pics
rendered all in hieroglyphics
and carved onto an obelix
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Obelisk*
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Pompey and Julius Caesar
Both claimed to be the richer geezer
They agreed "no-one can surpass us
'Cept Marcus Licinius Crassus."
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Said Obelix to Asterix the Gaul,
"That performance had much to appal,
France were a team of quitters
and missed too many sitters,
while the Swiss seemed to be having a ball!"
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The SPQR's football mania
Topped out when they lost to Hispania
"Just look at that final
Why play so vaginal
When all that was left was Britannia?"
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Asterix asked Getafix the Druid,
To give him some magical fluid,
To help him with menhir erection.
The man misconstrued
While strength was imbued
Growth his member accrued
And he displayed his love and affection.
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Ad Roma errandus sumus
eu est venii ad domus
quod venii domus
quod venii domus
quod venii domus
quod venii
eu est venii ad domus
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Said Caesar, as he lazed by the sea,
"I've become as woke as woke can be.
I'll head back to Rome
and on my way home,
I'll tear down all those statues of me".
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Keeping with the wokerati
Caesar held a toga party.
Following a strict agenda,
He assigned each guest another gender.
All the girls were dressed as vicars
and all the guys as tarts wore knickers.
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Pompeia the pious admitted to Gaius,
clutching her breast, she was torn.
"I fear that latterly,
I've succumbed to flattery.
I'm in the third trimest. It's not your'n. "
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The tearful girl looked up at him.
She only had eyes for Gaius.
Clodius took you by force
but we'll still have to divorce.
These things were sent to try us."
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Said Caesar, impressed by Italia,
"In the semis we now meet Hispania:
but we'll be away from our Rome,
and with so many games at home,
the favourites must sure be Britannia"
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Caesar rested himself in a bar near Brussels,
With a plate of chips and a pot of mussels.
"We've beaten the Belgae two-one, we keep winning.
Now get in some Stellas and let's do some chinning."
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Aeneas, when a young student at 'Caius',
many fellow students did brazenly tease.
When about his conduct he was pressed,
said "your charges don't leave me stressed:
as son of a god, I can do as I please"
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"Caesar, pay heed to what I've been telling ya'
and beware that team from Britannia.
They've just won in Rome
and claim "it's coming home"
and have no fear of playing Italia"
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Great tun. Well done, this threaded!
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