Not waving

But drowning.

I feel like I am sinking slowly under my carer's responsibilities. There is no light at the end of the tunnel and nobody to whom I can vent. I need some ROF humour to cheer me up. Where is Os and his jokes when you need him? 

Sorry to read this Gwen, you have a lot on your plate I know.  Have a mug of hot chocolate, it’ll make things feel better for a little while.

Cheese sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint.

Barman says “sorry we don’t serve food here.”

After years of complaining from my wife, i have finally found the "G" spot,

Turns out her sister had it all along...

I knew I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

hang in there, Gwen.  

Reminds me of the dyslexic devil worshipper.

Sold his soul to Santa.

A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane...

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, he was asked: “Why did you stay put?”

“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never feckin start”

ME: See, read this Doctor's note, it says I have to have sex daily, so NOW do you believe me?

GF: Suggers, this Doctor's note says you have dyslexia... 

Also consider that Scotland just got a penalty right in front of the posts and are so scared of the welsh defence they went for three points heh.  That’s enough to cheer up anyone of welsh nationality!

Two very different tries, utter speed for the first, utter patience for the second, absolute class for both.

COME ON WALES!

Hastings on as Scotland’s full back.  It’s official, we have gone back in time! 

So I was at the bar the other day and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my arse.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, "Do you have a pen?"

She replied "Of course!"

"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone."

Man walks into a bar and waitspaitently to be served.  he hears a small little voice say

"you are handsome and wise"

he looks around and sees no1

then the voice again

"you are strong and sensible"

still no1

finally the barman takes his order and he asks

"not being funny mate but I keep hearing this little squaeky voice saying nice things to me"

"that will be the peanuts sir" replied the barman "they're complimentary..."

 

 

Daughter to Jewish mother - mummy, mummy they're doing a Nativity play at school, and I've been given the part of Mary

That is good my child, but who is Mary?

Mary is the mother of Jesus, mother

That is excellent . And you my son, what part have they given you?

Joseph mother 

And who is Joseph? 

Joseph is Mary's husband mother 

Husband? Could they not have given you a speaking part?

MI6 had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents.

For the final test, an MI6 recruiter took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances and be totally loyal to us.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The recruiter agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." 

 

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The recruiter said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home." 

 

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some fkin idiot loaded the gun with blanks" he said. "I had to beat that bitch to death with the chair".

And probably my all time favourite...

 "Squirting isn't real right? It's just urine being released isn't it? No-one comes fro that long do they?

"I meant any questions about the job." the interviewer sighed.

 

Had to go to A+E today and whilst there I was surprised to see an old friend being dragged through A+E by 2 burly porters, one had each arm, and there was an army of concerned looking medics rushing along behind him shouting things out to the other medics.

I see him quite regularly out & about round my area, but sadly I had never realised he was so sick.

Apparently they'd caught him masturbating over a dead body in one of the cubicles.

Thank you ROF especially Mr Sugden.

It gets worse. As per Young Gwenners, I am unhelpful, useless, unenthusiastic and don't eat enough. She is stuck with me because there is nowhere else.

More jokes please.

What goes....

(!)

(!)

(!)

(o}

(!)

(!)

(!)

{o)

(!)

(!)

(!)

(o}

(!)

 

 

Dear Gwen

First, a fist pump. You're one of the good ones. Keep the faith and KBO. We're all in this together*.

 

Second, I don't know whether you enjoy Curb Your Enthusiasm, but if you do or are not aware of its best moments, please watch the episode "Palestinian Chicken"

 

A taster https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIdn5KmA-zU this and the follow-on Yamulke bit make me laugh like I have never laughed before. And God bless the late Bob Einstein (Marty Funkhouser here).

I won't spoil it by posting the clip but when you watch the whole episode there is a truly brilliant bit where Funkhouser turns up to Larry's house and he's shagging the Palestinian.  I saw this on a BA flight and was laughing so hard I inhaled a peanut and nearly died.

 

 

 

*not you 3-ducks, you're paddling your own turd round the u-bend of life.

 

In an attempt to make my racing snail go faster I took off his shell.

But if anything it's made him a bit more sluggish

I picked up a hitchhiker today and he was getting in the car he said,

"Thanks, I’m really very grateful you stopped to give me a lift because for all you know I could be a serial killer"

I laughed and replied,

"I think you’ll find the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical"

 

Heh

that's the same joke dressed in different clothes as my favourite statistical joke.

"When I travel on planes I worry about bombs in the luggage.   The chances of a bomb on board is now 1 in 2million.  But the chances of two bombs on board are 1 in 200 million. So just to be on the safe side I always carry one on".

No meltdowns to deal with so far but, as usual, I feel very, very weary. 5 years of this has worn me down. I am too old for this.

And thank you for asking LovelyMutters.

I am not sure generic 80s session beer will help mutters

Entirely sound advice Wang.  I think this is a Hobgoblin situation.

I realise I've let you down Mutters, let down ROF and let myself down. (slinks away).

You have. You need to think on this. Perhaps on a desert island, alone, for a decade.

loving suggers work on here.

Rof at its best here

 

Gwenners - Sorry to hear about the stress. Do feel free to vent as and when you like or even if you don't want to talk about it, just come on here and say you want to be distracted. We will throw all sorts of nonsense at you. 

 

Some of our intellectual stuff is all very grim (like sugger's) but you know this is rof. 

talking about desert island - 

 

name your two favourite songs

and

one favourite memory from childhood days - say when you were in primary school

My two favourite songs are 10cc's "I'm not in love" and Prince's "Little red corvette".

A favourite childhood memory is returning from a bloody awful week-long orchestral course to find that my family had acquired a new dog. It was a corgi. She was orangey-yellow and was running round our back garden. She proved to be the friendliest, most amiable dog.

My desert island choices seem to be so poor as to have choked the thread. So what about "Golden Brown", "Love Shack" and "The whole of the moon"?

I like the corgi anecdote. How old was she and you? Was it a good life that she had? 

Any key moments with her apart from her chewing your socks through. 

Ok Wang. Jumping Jack Flash, The Cure's A Forest, Blue Monday, Love will tear us apart.

I like loads of stuff. What do you like WangM8.

And I would like a second opinion from someone like Badders tho he probably isn't  reading this.

Gwen is steeped in the 1980s, and is all the better for it.  Wang is a yoof by comparison and was therefore raised on 90s indy stuff and probably thinks the Manic Street Preachers compete with Bach for their impact on the whole of music.

I like the 10cc song, don't like Little Red Corvette. Golden Brown is one of my all time faves. Love Shack has been overplayed and is now the Fat Dad Dancing song of choice of a certain generation so has been ruined. I think of Monty body popping his moobs to it. Wobbling around like a tasered milk cow.  No thanks. Love Shack is dead to me.

As to the Waterboys, good shout. Whole of the moon is nice but the album Fisherman's Blues - anything from that - better still.

Jumping Jack Flash - if I had to have a Stones song in there it would not be that. Brown Sugar for me Clive.

The Cure? OK, but Just Like Heaven please.

Blue Monday. Ofc.  12 inch version please.  Duh duh duh duh dugga dugga etc thinking of that kunt Graeme Gray in my room with his flickknife and winklepicker shoes being a complete psycho trying to stab me in the arm while this song was running until I finally lost it and set about him with a golf club and put him in hospital with a hole in his forehead. Straight down the middle as Bing Crosby would have said.  He is dead now. Not Bing, Graeme Gray. Surprised he made it beyond 20. His dad was a deep sea oil rig diver and he was disturbed.

Love will tear us apart. No, gloomy song.

Of a similar vintage I would take Ian Dury's What a Waste or the Jam's That's Entertainment.

 

Love will tear us apart. No, gloomy song.

Oddly enough, I've just bought a pair of Joy Div Oven Gloves.

That 10cc tune was massive and I still love it to bits tbh.

probably not the merchandising they originally envisaged

I've been talking about it for quite some time.  Only just bit the bullet.  It's a Dukla Prague replican away kit next.

As to picking two all time faves that’s plainly lunacy 

But Party Fears Two by The Associates always sends shivers down my spine. 

They were but Buzz loved them too much and it tore them apart.

Bought them because Half Man Half Biscuit is one of my unknown pleasures.

oooooh oooh tropical diseases

 

I loved HMHB - time flies by when youre the driver of a train etc.

 

For a Stones track, you cant look past Paint It Black for me Clive.

It's basically about 6Uwood

It's a big yes from me to Party Fears Two, Brown Sugar and Paint it black.

Most 80s music was shite. Culture Club, Duran Duran - aaagh.

Coffers the corgi was a puppy and I had just had my 12th birthday. She never chewed anything of mine but she delighted in stealing my father's cigarette packets. Didn't like going for walks and would instead head for the car. Greedy and overweight. Everybody's friend and even people who didn't like dogs liked her. She died when she was 7 from cancer and is buried in my parents' garden. Nice surprise in due course for whoever ends up buying my parents' house.

 

And Love Shack has an ace video imo. Love the girls' hairstyles.

Feeling a bit brighter today. Don't know how long this will last but it is a relief. The jokes and the favourite songs definitely helped. Thank you ROF m8s

as The Naked Avenger always says, keep it dangly Gwenno

Glad you're on the up*, Gwen.

Stay strong and all the best to you and yours.

*I shan't link to the Dennis Waterman song... ;)

gwenners - that is not too late to get a pup. could you bond with her enough? heh @ overweight. she was properly spoilt. 

Planning to get a dog now or have one?

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis

Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.

Shortly after the couple was married, they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who amazingly also had a W Y on his penis.

The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"

The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".

___

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and shag her ten times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch”

___

Last night using a P2P link I illegally downloaded all the music from the movie Titanic and it was taking ages so I left it to get on.

I’ve just checked now and it’s still syncing

suggers mate that joke is really old. I was trotting that out in 1999!

The Wendy joke was in circulation when I was at school (and penises had only just been invented etc)

Coffers the puppy was a replacement for the previous corgi who appeared when I was 2 and who disliked me and everyone else apart from my dad. The contrast was so very marked. And yes she had a very good (though short) life. I remember her spending most of every Summer eating apples from the Apple tree in our garden and pears from the neighbours' pear tree. She could reach the apples on some of the branches of our tree and would pull them off if they weren't falling quickly enough to maintain her supply. Happy days.

We have a black Labrador who is wonderful in her own way. Also very aimable and greedy.

Black labs (compared to the brown or white ones) somehow live out a better life. No idea why. I am contemplating one now that things are firmly afoot in the UK and it wouldn't be a bad idea. 

How long have you had the lab around?

Did your corgis expect more (or less) exercise compared to the lab? I can imagine the second one was probably averse to any. 

Our black lab is 7. My parents have had 2 - one lived to 8 and the other to almost 15. They were both working dogs/ pets and got a lot of exercise. Our lab doesn't get as much exercise as she should but doesn't seem bothered. The corgis just seemed to need a brief walk each day and a decent size garden to run around.

Update for the "Gwen" cause...

 

Boss: "Suggers let's talk about Suzanne"

Suggers: *Looking wistfully into the middle distance* "Ah yes, Suzanne, the one that got away"

Boss: "The one that got away ? The one that got away ? FFS, none should get away, you're a fevcking zookeeper man!"

Thank you Mr S.

Jokes, favourite song choices and dog anecdotes gratefully received.

 

Not sure if this pointless anecdote assists. Not a joke but a light hearted tale for dogs and things.

So you’ll recall my rabbitmare, yeah? (Face eaten off by rat, one survivor, traumatised, living alone. I moved the hutch, burnt down the shed it was in, evicted the rats etc..., now lonely Charlie lives a solo life of pointlessness...)

So I bought a lovely secure flat pack nightmare construction chicken coop thingy. Some months back I fenced the pond area with two gates either end to create a sort of wild reedy wetland thingy that the ducks breed in and the dog was excluded from. Birds and ducks a go go. Dog a no no. I put Charlie’s new home in there. Sea view. Nice. No dog. 

On the weekend I found the dog in there lying by the rabbit hutch / coop. Rabbit lying by the edge of the wire. Standoff. 

I deduced that Dog was getting under the gates so wire mesh on them to the ground. 

This evening I got home and saw the dog there again. This time I took her out with bollocking and then walked around with her to see her tendencies. After a bit of charging about like a loon she said ‘right then, rabbit time’ and decided show me how clever she was and how she gets in. Climbs up the gate (see a Labrador do that and be amazed) and then ducks between 4th and 5th bar to hook the body in and stay from falling back then wriggle through and hop down. If she’d gone to the top she’d have fallen back off the gate. 

Infuriating but impressive. Now my move.

Heh. You have to admire the ingenuity of Mutt dog. That must have involved considerable planning.

My grandfather had a jack rusellish sort of mutt that learned to climb a 5 foot fence of square wire mesh to get out so that it could massacre next doors three rabbits.  We were not popular with the neighbours!

We have a black lab as well. Very friendly with people, but about the size of a small horse, deceptively quick and a bark like a Doberman if he doesn't like things. We used to have foxes in the garden but they seem to have thought better of it.

Good choices with Garbage and the 1970s TOTP clip. Less keen on the other two.

What about Debbie Harry? I thought she was just the coolest person. I wanted to BE Debbie Harry.

Do you think this might tun? It is tantalizingly close.