Long term relationships

What advice would you give yourself at the start of one knowing what you know now, for a better relationship?

Me, find a good hobby that gives you an outlet when things get tough. 

  • Black Ops second mobile.
  • Safe deposit box with multiple passports, various currencies, gun. 
  • Canoe

How do you know when you're at the start of a long term relationship? 
 

 

I think these days hoolie you have to confirm with each other you are in an “established relationship” before the government allows you to have sex, so it avoids all those worries

How do you know when you're at the start of a long term relationship? 

Accidental pregnancy?

Reminds me of Piet Hein’s advice on timing toast:

There's an art of knowing when.

Never try to guess.

Toast until it smokes and then twenty seconds less.

How about

”put their happiness first, on the anticipation they’ll do the same and repeat . Talk about it when this skips a beat.

Talk honestly and listen a lot and don’t put off talking about the big stuff, esp money 

Really really appreciate how rare it is to find someone who’ll do 1 and 2

I am “shocked “ when I hear about couples who break up 5 ish years in cos of some massively obvious difference of opinion that neither is prepared to shift on , but had never discussed before.... until remember that’s exactly what happened to me in my 20s 

 

Yeah money is a tough one, lot of emotion caught up in that one. I like the idea of putting their happiness first, sometimes your own hubris can get in the way.

Hoolie, if you could go back and tell yourself rather than having the foresight in advance.

"Me, find a good hobby that gives you an outlet when things get tough"

I don't know how to break this to you but if you were in a relationship with me and we were going through a rough patch and you fucked off to do your hobby... ...that wouldn't help.

The problems you have now will be the same problems you have 10 years down the line.  So, work out what you can live with.  If you don't trust them at the beginning, you won't trust them later.  If they leave their socks on the floor, they'll still do that in 10 years' time, but you can decide not to care.

I find it gives me a sense of space and therefore perspective to come back to an issue to try to resolve it while taking the sting out. To each their own. 

"The problems you have now will be the same problems you have 10 years down the line"

Trufax 

Nothing.  I have successfully avoided ever being in one.  

Definitely get on the same page about money as best as you can. Nothing dooms a relationship faster than fights about money, except possibly infidelity/cheating. Just agree best course on splitting expenses (we do by take home pay ratios) and make sure both are saving properly for retirement and big ticket items.

Don't sweat the small stuff as best you can, and when you inevitably DO fight about shoes not put away or laundry or dishes or whatever, recognize that it's a stupid thing to fight about and take the high road. When things aren't heated, calmly and rationally discuss chore sharing or whatever set you off so that next time it happens you have that to draw on.

Don't cheat on your significant other. If you WANT to cheat, examine why and if you should be in that relationship or if you can be adventurous together (not that taboo it once was).

Hmmm money, sex, and chores? Think that covers it except for kids which I have no experience in so I will shut up.

Happily married 1 week today!

 

How many times have you been swinging in that week then?

Oh yeah - definitely encourage them to have their own hobbies and friends and a space/time to be alone if they want that. Just as important as their couple-happiness points, they should not become isolated from what made them happy as a single person either.

 

We're happily monogamous, but most of our gay male friends are in open long-term relationships so we don't judge it. They seem happy.

Been with my wife for 20 years and agree that the problems we had near to the start of our relationship are the same ones we sometimes have now. But we have both made an effort to reduce them so that our respective faults are tolerable to the other. If you don't want to make the effort then you might want to look at why that is the case.

You can't really predict. It'll be our 11th anniversary on Sunday, no real arguments along the way, we just get on.

She stays away from my guitars and I stay away from her gardening stuff. Hobbies again, I agree.

Just like fucking try not to be a knob head and remember the shagging will stop

I’m just going to leave this one right here after my recent news...

 

the shagging must not stop. when the shagging stops, the relationship stops*

*this, imo is the general rule though obvs not in all cases. Some people don't care about sex but generally, in my experience, through the sex you stay close emotionally. 

I think the biggest mistake anyone can make is getting into a long term relationship with someone whose attitude/appetite for sex fundamentally differs to theirs. People kid themselves it doesn't matter and that it's shallow to care. It matters a lot and being unhappy about frequency of sex (either not enough or partner constantly 'pestering') is the biggest gripe I hear about relationships 

it doesn't matter if sex isn't important to you, but if it fgs don't marry someone who wanted it once a week at most even in the early days. Or if you do don't be surprised you have sex twice a year, if you beg 

Look at their parents and their parents relationship. It’s not a given that they will be exactly the same, but it tells you what their “normal” is.

Jinxy my family is pretty weird to look at. My parents have been married for over 50 years. My two siblings that are married are going strong, but all my cousins are divorced or separated.

Last LTR was 14 yrs ago,  I am not LTR material and as I have got older I dont really think I can be boothered to put in the effort now

 

I mean I wouldn't live with me

@Diceman : she was 30s and wanted babies and I was in 20s and was defo not ready for parenthood back then (love it now BTW and have 3 with Mrs A) 
 

timing, as it turns out really really matters 

We re still mates , she is godmother to my oldest, but I’ll always be a little bit little sad and guilty that her subsequent (otherwise happy) marriage is childless and I prolly contributed to that 

Don’t waste each other’s time. 
 

if you know it’s not going to work out long term don’t string someone along. 

  • Everyone in a long-term relationship or marriage is full of advice
  • They think they've reinvented the wheel and wear their relationship as a badge of achievement in their otherwise ordinary, uneventful or otherwise depressing lives.
  • Then they breakup or get divorced and have a breakdown in their 40s or 50s, or they don't breakdown and continue being smug, pushing any relationship issues under the carpet.
  • People in relationships age faster. If they have kids, it's game over.
  • The only person who can make you happy is you. Relying on an outside source to get a drug high for your brain to feel happiness doesn't end well, what comes up must come down.

I thought Canadian was straight.

I have not been paying attention or have just been skimming his/her posts

No  he/she is married and I am way too old for all that nonsense

Sod being happy Biggie I just want a shag