Lloyd’s bank wtf

A/C 7660 23May. Your remaining balance overnight was £9732.65. As this is near your limit, please ensure you have enough money available to cover any payments. 


Err what?

OMG did you literally just post your bank balance on the board?

Have a word.

Only payment from that account is my broadband at a mighty £35 a month.  Have I neared their max limit by mistake or something?  

Who bloody cares ,you are just showing of, and there isn't any need for it.

Mate, it’s just my current account.  I’m more baffled why they think sending me a text about it is worthwhile.....

That isn’t showing off.  I used to take home more than that a month. Ffs.

You’re an odd fish at times m8.

I get what you are writing about but, like the sex-with-crack-goth mojo, we don’t need the details. 

One can only conclude that ‘woohoo I have nearly ten grand in my current account - look at my wedge’ was the true message, disguised as a ? about LBG’s weird mobile banking message algorithm.


now stand by for being set upon like a piece of fruit in an ants nest

"Only payment from that account is...[£35]"

Heh, what a tool.

Have two words


lis23 May 19 08:54



 | DM

That isn’t showing off.  I used to take home more than that a month. Ffs.

But that wasn’t the message.  Honestly.  I wouldn’t brag about that shit.  Jesus I have more than a hundred and eighty grand in cash in a savings account I’d brag about that.

This was literally just me staring at a weird text from Lloyd’s.

"I have more than a hundred and eighty grand in cash in a savings account"


God I give up.  I should have removed the numbers or something.  And fuck, for some reason this feels like a weekend for me but I just realised you’re all at work.  Bugger. 

Err fuck. It’s my dad’s birthday tomorrow.  May be while I’m even weirder than usual.  Time to go pour a cask strength bottle of whisky on his grave. :(

Worst is still to come.  My wedding anniversary next week.  Maybe I should create a grave for that.

Dont think I have enough left.  I’ll bury it in shit. Where it belongs.

The responses here to your posts may not help your self-admitted mental conditions Tecco. Go easy.

Thanks for your concern chambo, I mean that genuinely.

But having taken a step or two back and looked at it, I can see where they’re coming from.  I just didn’t when I made my original post.  I’m actually a bit innocent in an odd way, cynical about so much but almost entirely oblivious to other things.

Im medicated mate so I can handle the heat.  But i do thank you.

See that bank advert with that Simon Cowell in it? If you look close you can see he's only got £3792 in his bank account. How can he afford hus lifestyle on that? I reckon he's up to no good and the tax man needs to pay him a visit.


is Teclis Theresa May?

like, serious question

because it he is then a whole heap of stuff would start making sense

Obviously you know this, but you might want to think about getting that cash spread around a few accounts so it is all covered by the FSCS 85 grand limit

Yeah I’m spread around my HSBC’s premier, Lloyd’s, citibank, UBS already and the four UK establishments.  The big liquid is there in case my mum dies in some foreign country really.

Splendid. All ticking over otherwise? Sun shining in the West Country this morning?

Sun is shining and I have the best view in Europe I Think.  A few hardy souls getting read for the wall over to the island.

Lots of Chinese people this year, I raised the issue of the warning signs being printed in mandarin at the recent council meeting.  I think it’s fair enough.

Sorry, I thought you lived in Cornwall, not Morecombe Bay

Lloyds sent me a similar text recently because there was virtually nothing in my account but it was also pay day.

I do live in Cornwall strutter.  The view from my flat is basically overlooking mounts bay with a mile of beach with st michaels mount as the backdrop.

Finest view in England.

I know where you live old chap.

I was referencing the chinese fellows cocklepicking the other year who got caught out by the tides in Morecombe Bay.

these texts are how they justify then leveraging an unauthorised/over-limit day/week charge


But seriously Tecco, the first post was naiive at best. Some would not give you the benefit of the doubt as to interpretation.  Then you make it much worse and beyond doubt with a load of guff about how much money is sloshing around.

I think it's important to STFU sometimes.

these texts are how they justify then leveraging an unauthorised/over-limit day/week charge


But seriously Tecco, the first post was naiive at best. Some would not give you the benefit of the doubt as to interpretation.  Then you make it much worse and beyond doubt with a load of guff about how much money is sloshing around.

I think it's important to STFU sometimes.

Muttley's just jealous tecco because he spent all his cash on pet bees 


Now I'm not a miwwitary man but when did our armed forces stop teaching people not to point the gun at their own faces?

Mutters is correct.

what a lot of people will miss is that I can’t work.  So those days of £10k post tax months are long gone.  You lads sitting on your £190k jobs well that’s great but I can’t do that anymore.

So what I have is what I have, and that’s it.

I am looking forward to Tecco humblebragging about his entire set of NatWest Saver porcelain pigs that he collected in 1990.  

(I was a griffin saver myself and still have the somewhat battered holdall.)

TBF Tecco, given what you said about your last tax bill, you're still caning five figures a month net anyway.

"you're still caning five figures a month net anyway"

Which was after all the point of this thread

How does having £180k in savings square with all these benefits you claim.

Genuine Q

Buzz-: i was hoping people might have forgotten that...

i am unemployed!

you are all like those women who agreed to live in a cupboard and eat only a slice of mars bar a day because a barman told you he was in MI6

Hargreaves - it doesn’t, is the simple answer.


So PIP is not means tested.  I get that.

All other  benefits are.

So i get £600 a month via pip.

if I didn’t do the means test I would get 450+320+370 on top.

I'd be worried about that email tbh

Shows something seriously wrong with their systems

Wouldn't be surprised if they cleared the a/c 'by mistake '

Have a word with the manager pronto 


So the message of the thread is: "Look at me, I'm caning six figures a year net net, live by the sea, and can still claim benefits that you suckers are paying for"

You missed out that I was a griffin saver dux. playa



I would be more than happy to help you with this


Please can you let me know digits 1 and 3 from you 4 digit pin.


Then please can you let me know digits 2 and 4 from your 4 digit pin.


Many thanks and I look forward to assisting you with this issue.


I was also a griffin saver and I believe in a rare club of griffin savers who had cheques bounced on them by relatives.

Wang, someone on ebay is trying to sell their holdall for £50!!!


Heh, I don't think mine would sell for that, despite probably containin mud from the hallowed rugby ground of Anstey Park that would be 30+ years old

well impressed you still have it though

I think mine broke after a couple of weeks

I do still have my lovely large porcelain pig, which now acts as a repository for forrin coins.

dux I trust you mean the daddy pig with the bow tie, t?hree piece and pocket square?

i see they r going for 250 squid on ebay for a set

No it's 180 pretend K.  with pretend K you dont want to over egg the pudding or it juat becomes unbelievable.  like Duxta's 250mio trust fund or sailo's 30mio yacht docked in monaco.

Oh right. Soz, I'm still new to this pretend business.

I don't recall ever mentioning my yacht.  I assume that pretend figures are subject to exaggeration so that the £30m for my yacht translates to the real £300 I might spend on a used dinghy.

Is this a good place to mention my swimming pool and tennis court?

Only if your swimming pool has its own tennis court at the bottom

So Tec, your last job you were on over £200k PA basic yeah?

Doggers do you feed your pig money like the other peni on this thread? 

Not quite ebidta, actual basic was a wee bit north of 8k after tax but with bonii etc I had over 10 a month.

Youse are all hayseeds.

Nobody has any appreciable or important amount of money unless they have more than they can count.

to everyone except Teclis:   STOP POKING THE THING IN THE CAGE

to Teclis: I step away for meetings and come back hours later and you are still doing it. The cock is wrong with you? Don't answer that.

It does make a change to the usual tactics doesn't it?

Dear Mr Tecco,

I am Prince Joe Eboh. I have 20m. I will give you half.

First, you must prove that you have lots of money in lots of different accounts. Because I don't believe you on the internet. Give me account numbers and login details. Prove it. Or you're lame.


Prince Joe Eboh


Telephone banking security questions often include confirming your current account balance and a regular outgoing payment.  You've also posted four out of the eight digits of your account number.

You may have moved to Cornwall so this might not be the case, but account sort codes are based on the branch where the account was opened, and you've given your location reasonably precisely. 

Please be careful boys and girls.

I think we can say with a relative degree of certainty that nothing Tecco has posted here in any way compromises the security of his banking arrangements.

I missed a few episodes; why are you unable to work and on the PIP? 

He licked one too many hallucinogenic frogs and now he things he's a penguin.

i am struggling to work out how mad you have to be to be signed off work and on non means tested benefits when i see how mad most of the people working around me quite happily are.

After the frog licking, most people end up thinking they're Emperor Napoleon but that wasn't enough for Tecco, he had to go for an even better Emperor.

I understand that in his case licking was a gateway act, and he rapidly progressed to frog suppositories, and snorting them.

You haven't seen true dissolution until you've seen a grown man chop up a line of frogs with a credit card.

It's messy.

Very messy.

If I had 180k to spare I'm pretty sure I could find better ways of investing it than letting it depreciate in bank accounts paying 0.001% pa with inflation at 2-3%.  

Well quite.  You'd imagine the interest rate was a juicy 6% for starters.

I'm going to answer the mental health thing about why I can't work.  A while after I quit my job I was attacked, see rof passim.  I suffered a serious head injury which has had long term effects including hallucinations as well as psychotic episodes and different personality issues coming to the fore,  that's all there is to it.

I used to stand at the school bus stop in streatham as a kid, stare across at Nat West and have a little sob because I couldn’t have those pigs.

Heh i totally wanted the pigs.  Post office account was awesomely rubbish. :(

I haven’t been to Streatham since 1982. My parents met at the Locarno in the 1960s. All I remember is the ice rink and running with my brother on tooting common and obviously nat west but that’s it!

Frog licking is for amateurs ...

You’ve just not hallucinated until you’ve smoked toad.