A list for the maddest/most random conversations you have overheard

A couple of weeks ago I was waiting for a bus when it was kicking out time at a posh super academically public  day school, where the A Level students had just finished an exam. All dressed immaculately , a student asks his mate why he wasn't about the weekend.


He replies. " I robbed 200 pounds of vodka from sainsburys was caught, and the security guard stopped me, and tried to wrestle me to the ground. I wasn't having any of it so I wrestled with him, and threw a few punches until I was detained by staff. The police came arrested me for assault and theft, and I spent 6 hours in the police station. I was charming, parents were called and no further action was taken. I am lucky the school didn't find out" Jesus dear lord .

On the bus. Teenage couple.

Her, searching her handbag: 'Did you give me my money?'

Him: 'I did, yeah'

Her, still searching: 'You didn't'

Him 'I did. I took the twenty and gave you the fifty. You put it in your bra'



my spell checker is rubbish, I was trying to order a bag of wotsits and ended up with a wetsuit....

(c) themanwhofellasleep.com

Two stand out:


1.  Bristolian couple arguing at a fast food van.  Her:  "You don't really love me.".  Him:  "What do you mean I don't love you?!!  I buys you chips, I fucks you, dunni?!".  Greater love hath no name...


2.  Couple overheard arguing at a bus stop (skinny crack whore type and skinny tattooed erk):  Her:  "[Incomprehensible yammering]".  Him:  "Stop 'avin a go at me.  You knew when you got knocked up that I wasn't in a fit state.  You knew I was on crack!".  Lovely.

I haven’t had the pleasure of that kind of random public event in about a decade. Mainly because even if they happen here I never understand them since they aren’t in English. 

Therefore the closest contribution I can make to this thread was the conversation I overheard on the train last time I was in the UK.   

I spent at least 40 minutes listening to the two elderly gentlemen sitting behind me whilst they were debating, quite vigorously,  the proper and correct type of cheese for inclusion in the cheese sauce to be served over the cauliflower on Christmas Day. 


Further discussions then centred on the difficulty in obtaining said cheese and how one of their wives always burnt the cheese sauce without fail. 

Putting the boot on the other foot, my family have always wondered what any eavesdroppers would have thought if they'd overheard us discussing Terry Pratchett characters on the Isle of Wight ferry about 30 years ago:

"Death's my favourite"

"Oh of course, Death"

"Well obviously.  Everyone likes Death"

Says the man who put the "moron" in that particular word.

Can't have been that academically selective, this imaginary student didn't know the difference between theft and robbery.  Also why didn't the imaginary vodka smash when he was causing the affray?

in a piazza cafe in a tourist European city, an elderly American woman addresses young couple on the next table who are both tall, rangy, blonde, and snogging.

”Say, are you two related?”

In a hotel bar in the Cotswolds, two elderly chaps chatting over a G&T.

I've started to take The Times.

Really? Why so?

The "Berliner" format. Makes it easier to read on the train when going up to London.

Oh I see. The Times?  Hmm. Is it any good?

No. It's dreadful.


£200 quid is only a few bottles of expensive vodka so I assume he put them down before the wrestling started...

The value is a weird way to describe the theft though eh? Surely you would normally try to nick four bottles of vodka rather than £200 of vodka?

Wouldn't the police have done the calculation and told him during the interview?

Wang it was not imaginary . So you are saying the bottles should have smashed in the midst of this fracas yes ? And it is super academically selective, not that you would know . You do seem uptight and chippy dear boy.

??? I have no idea of what vodka it was

what sails said 

I am not chippy, I am just vonvinced that you are a total bellend.  hth

I think the flaw in Sailers' argument is in assuming the police can add up.

I once heard someone say their watch cost less than £10k. Hard times. 

Overheard two ladies chatting on the tube: "His leg to willy ratio must be incredible."

I completely question the OP based on the fact that a public schoolboy would never say “I robbed”.  He would say “I stole”.

That aside, the worst random conversation ever was sadly between me and a friend called Eggy at a kebab van in Stoke Gifford, North Bristol.  He was making sure I didn’t mind that he was shagging my ex girlfriend.  Bit chubby but the most captivatingly beautiful blue eyes that to this day I’ve not seen the like of.

I digress.  

Eggy: “so we’re cool yeah?”

Me: “no worries I’m dating that stuck up blonde bird now mate, knock your socks off, she’s great in bed”

Eggy: “oh mate I know, I was shagging her, had my thumb up her bum in that nightclub last week and she goes ‘but I’m not a slag’.”

Cue vast laughter from the 10 or so people we had failed to notice had formed in the queue behind us.  I still cringe.

I'm walking down the airbridge to get on a plane at the end of my holiday- flight is going from San Fran to Zurich.  As I go past a set of mobile screens there is the sound of Velcro ripping and an American voice says "Is that all the money sir?" 

Heh. Being called "dear boy" by someone a decade younger than you.  That's always going to go down well.

I completely question the OP based on the fact that a public schoolboy would never say “I robbed”.  He would say “I stole”.


hang around a lot with public schoolboys, do we? 

My mate overheard this gem, whilst having the world's longest induction on an inner London anti-natal ward from behind a cubicle curtain:

"Get dahn ere now.  I'm ten meters dilated and you're the farver"

Cue visions of a "birth canal" the size of the Channel Tunnel and the baby strolling out twirling a cane, Stewie Griffin style.

Dusty- well I was one myself and I have nephews and am aware of sons of friends...

I know lots of public schoolboys who, especially as teenagers, would adopt supposedly working class words and phrases.  My entire school talked about going for a 'bine rather than a cigarette.

Aww bless. A really excellent survey group, then. I doubt they talk they same as you did back in the early 20th century....and why would they talk to you in the way they talk to each other? You’re just an old dude to them. 

Dusty - I get the impression you want to have a snark at me about something.  That’s fine, snark away, but don’t expect me to take it as anything than you just being a bit snarky. heart

Nah, just think you’re a bit of a cockeared fuck thumper whose posts are just endless bullshit and I get a bit bored of them. Also, if you post it, it’s up for criticism, so deal with it muthafucka. 

Someone posted a good while back about 2 old buffers arguing about 'estoppel by convention' at the Strand crossing, and carrying on jammering on about it even after falling over and being covered in blood and holding up the traffic 


I like the expression "cockeared fuck thumper" just as much. 


Dusty doesn't pull her punches, but she has a heart of gold.

CCF camp at some naval base or other many moons ago.  About 30 boys falling asleep. Suddenly the rather random comment "have you peeled it yet" comes from one of the bunks on the other side of the room.           

3-ducks19 Jun 19 22:38



 | DM

"public day school"

Isn't this an oxymoron? 

eh? st pauls is widely considered one of the public schools now, not just the original seven