I am locked in my own shitter

So I'm working from home and I come for a poo in my office toilet.  Somehow the handle mechanism has broken and the latch won't open on the door.  I am trapped.  I have no phone and Mrs Partridge is out.  The cleaner couldn't hear my cries for help and my mobile is outside.  Thank the lord I brought my laptop for a poo.  Am now emailing my friends and family.

Sweepstake on how quickly I can obtain assistance to break out of my shitter using only emails?

"Thank the lord I brought my laptop for a poo"

 

As you do,,, 

 

I never close the door when I'm alone.

And I never take my laptop. I do often take my phone if I go for a shit. 

hth

I only take a laptop into the bog to wank. not to rof

hth

 

(1) office loo (2) cleaner couldn't clear cries for help.

Just how fucking big is your house?

this has the potential to be one of the all time classic rof threads

How much battery left on the lap top?

How many windows in the bog and what floor are you on?

Can you tie your underpants to a stick or bogroll holder or *gasp* the end of a loobrush *vom* and then wave it out of the window and cry for help?

can you signal in to your cleaner by flushing SOS in morse? (assuming each part of your estate does not have separate plumbing).

Dude, you must be able to MacGyver your way out of this.

Surely there are some toenail clippers or scissors or something similar that you can use to force the latch / unscrew the door handle?

If you can get the door handle off you should be able to manually move the mechanism.

can you not just relax and hold a one man pron festival for the afternoon?

Assuming you can gain assistance from a mate via email, how do you propose they navigate their way into the property and past your front door?

Not as good as the Chippy one from years ago, who locked himself into his own flat for the weekend.

Kind RoFers assisted by hauling up regular supplies of beer, pizza and cigs by rope to a third floor window.

Assuming a standard handle set up, can you use a coin to disengage the lock?  Alternatively, use the coin to unscrew the handle to gain access to gain access to the square turny bar thingy that straddles the handle pairs.  If you can do that, take the bog roll and put the cardboard holder thing over the square thing and squish it for maximum grippage and turn.  

This assumes you can't just kick the door in like a proper man.

I love this thread

Can you take the mirror off the wall, catch a ray of sunlight to burn a hole in the door large enough to put your hand through and open the door from the outside?

Munch on the poo pourri and pretend you’re on a space station 

 

Good one tricky.

Is there a vent grate you could fit through if you used the hand towel to block the bottom of the door and left the sink running so you can float up to get in?

Are you able to fashion some kind of digging implement such as a spoon?

Wouldn't it be easier to just stand up on the loo itself? Just askin'.

Can you tap the pipes with that spoon and morse code the neighbours?

But to haul himself up he’d need to have the kind of upper body strength unobtainable by working as a doc blozza for the last 20 years.

Try to keep the suggestions practical tricky, sheesh.

Time for a Friday Wang challenge - escape the lav!

This is like a ‘day of the tentacle’ point and click style puzzle isn’t it.

grow some potatoes in your shit and you'll be fine. 

 

or break the door down. 

 

or just keep on pooing til someone finds you. 

tweet the fire brigade is quite a good idea

Hold on we haven't asked the key question - did you check wipery supplies before you commenced dispensement?  It would make escape much harder if you have to do the waddle of shame thru the skylight

Or just like email someone here he can trust and get them to call his mrs

log in to skype, or set up an account, and call the fire brigade

and don’t give me that hero shit about they’ve got better things to do. A man locked in his own commode is a bona fire emergency.

Guy Crouchback04 Oct 19 14:04

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(1) office loo (2) cleaner couldn't clear cries for help.

Just how fucking big is your house?

Even at a time of crisis I can brag about my house.  Six bed, 4500 sq ft.

I think I'll have to kick the door in.

I've managed to set up my laptop to send messages but nobody will get here for an hour.  I don't think I can wait that long.

If I can unscrew the screws on the handle with a coin will that make any difference to the latch being struck?  Will I be able to open it with my hands turning the square bolt bit?

No windows in bog.  Second floor, but no means of escape.  I do have a shower in here though, so could have a good wash before the fire brigade arrive.

Seriously you can't call the fire brigade if you could kick down the door could you?  Thing is I'd be kicking INTO the wood frame if you know what I mean.  Kicking down would probably need to be done from the outside.

DOOOOOOOOOOOM

Dude, there will be a thingy in the middle of the handle that has a coin slot to unlock the lock.  If you have to be locked in the bog from the outside, you really should cut down on the London Pride.

God if it is really that bad just kick the door in, just remember to brace yourself against something to avoid comedy bouncing off door and breaking your head open on the sink.

Internal doors can be surprisingly solid.  Ahem.

you can seriously hurt yourself trying to kick down a door

 

Teclis04 Oct 19 14:14

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Assuming you can gain assistance from a mate via email, how do you propose they navigate their way into the property and past your front door?

It's all open as the cleaner left with me in my office so no need to lock

Dude, there will be a thingy in the middle of the handle that has a coin slot to unlock the lock.

NEGATIVE

Oh cool, what’s the address?  Got any iPads?  Nice telly?

Hold on, you have a 4,500 square foot house but you put in a toilet with no windows?   You absolute turbohmong

 can't you open the door using a credit card or something else thin and flat?

To be fair the office shitter is the only part of the house we haven't re-done ourselves.  Wasn't our doing so I can't blame myself.  The other 4 bathrooms all have windows if this redeems me?

Something else thin and flat

like your pride

You are stuck in your own prison of a toilet with no windows.

Nothing redeems you.

its an internal toilet wall - even laz could kick it down 

 

you probably need to delete history on your internet browser too before your wife gets back

Have you tried beating the door with both hands whilst loudly shouting Willlllllllmaaaaaa

 

Wang's Upon a Time04 Oct 19 14:35

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Something else thin and flat

like your pride

MEGAHEH!

 

 

So I've got a laptop and all my dignity is gone - do I just rub one out before help arrives?

Erm and your large and no doubt expensive furnished house is now on the Internet with people knowing the front door is open and all they will do is giggle as they go past your office big door carrying your belongings.  Well done genius.

you're stuck in a bog near Crewe? 

that is about as tragic as it gets

The answer to that will also depend on your bog paper supplies 

I'll take a shot in the dark Teccers that I'll be out before any dastardly ROFers can get the train up here to rob me.

I'll take a shot in the dark Teccers that I'll be out before any dastardly ROFers can get the train up here to rob me.

Heffalump04 Oct 19 14:38

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you're stuck in a bog near Crewe? 

that is about as tragic as it gets

We prefer to ignore Crewe exists thanks (unless getting the train conveniently to Londres)

I hope Mrs P comes home soon

hello Mr P, I found out I don't have cancer!

hello dear, I am stuck in the toilet and had a wank

Right the cavalry has arrived.  Thanks for keeping me amused m3s

Alan - I'm assuming you mean that when you turn the main door handle the latch is not moving, not that the toilet is locked.

That has been caused by children hanging off the door handle / adults not pulling straight down.  This causes the surrounding bit round the square bolt in the handle to break (the dark grey bit in the picture if it worked).

If you can get the door handle off you can generally either:

1. manage to get the pressure in the right way that you still manage to turn the bolt despite the broken bits; or

2. there is a little sticky out slidey bit on the bottom of the latch underneath the hole (as shown below) which you might be able to poke with something to retract the latch enough to get the door open.a

""" 

Wang's Upon a Time04 Oct 19 14:41

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I hope Mrs P comes home soon

hello Mr P, I found out I don't have cancer!

hello dear, I am stuck in the toilet and had a wank"""

 

had such a lol at this that someone in the office next door came to see if I was ok. 

 

Thanks Arbiter.  I have taken the handle off from the inside but the bit where the square is surrounded by a circle has basically shattered.  The latch thing is in the wood.  When I try to turn the inside of the bit that has shattered the latch won't move.

I am starting to suspect a rather good wind up here.   First,  I find it hard to believe anybody on rof would post a picture of exactly where they live.  Second, and the clincher for me, I find it hard to believe anybody on rof would live near Crewe.

If you really are stuck then I've got family down the road in Mkt Drayton, but being from Drayton they might actually do your house over first.

"I am starting to suspect a rather good wind up here"

 

SHUT UP GUY!

Why did you put up a picture of some sort of semi detached barn conversion?

 

If you don’t know who pinko is and exactly where he lives you’ve not been roffing long enough

I thought he had bought some sort of castle not a barn

Nice gaff, Pinko. I bet mine’s worth more though, and the bog door works.

I'm out everyone!  We dismantled the lock but eventually had to take the doors off its hinges.  

SUCH FUN!

It's days like this that make ROF worthwhile.

glad u made it out sun

was praying 4 U

gotta get loo this

I was impressed by the 4 "other" bathrooms. The most I've had was 3.

Glad you are out AP - just in time for Eurodisney.