First name and likely profession
  • Steve - electrician. 
  • Mikey - handyman. 

Tiffany - stripper with the option of post-club home visits if she likes you and you are prepared to fork out extra dolla.

Tarquin - army officer.  Posh cavalry regiment like KRH or 9/12 Lancers.  Gets his name abbreviate to 'Tarqs' or something equally gay.

Francesca - air hostess with some revealing Instagram photos from her travels.  Prefers 'Fran' but uses her full name at work to keep up appearances.  Knocking off a married Captain on layovers and genuinely thinks he will eventually leave his wife for her.  

Nick - graduate estate agent.  Works somewhere gash like Foxtons but has totally bought into 'the company' and the idea that he can boss the dolla if he puts enough hours in.  Works from 8am until 8pm 6 days a week.  Lives in a HMO in Clapham.


Dominic - massive bellend, but has access to the golden joystick

Excellent, doggy.

I no longer have a dog. She died. And she was not really mine. 

However, I do have a cushion reading "Puppy love" not 1 metre away that will, forever, remind me of you.

ps. Do you have Tiffany's number? Asking for a friend. Not Tarquin's. i don't need that. I am not going to invade any countries until after I meet Tiffany. Anyway there have not been any "Polish cavalry Regiments" in the British army for generations.

Richard - 747 Captain currently not doing much and desperately hoping to remuster to A350 or 787 rather than suffer the indignity of going back to short-haul.  Pulls a tonne fifty but never sees any of it because he is on his third marriage and has 4 kids at boarding school.  Drives an old Jag.  Enjoys fucking Francesca but will never make it a permanent thing because he couldn't afford another divorce.  

Not sure about Mikey - wasn't Mikey P a character in the early Sopranos? 

Eric - zany guy at school that did things for a dare. Turned a bit boring in his 20s. Got into amateur triathlon very seriously in his 30s. Married and divorced by 35.

Lucia - Magic Circle Solicitor who makes no secret of the fact she is chasing dolla.  Impressive handbag and shoe collection.  Genuinely hard work and extremely annoying but you totally wood because the norks are amazing and she will keep her Lou Boutins on when you bang her.


Timothy - classic nice but dim.  Solicitor and Lt Col in the Army Legal Department and thinks he is a leader of men (it's basically an honorary rank).  Knows fuck all about law and certainly wouldn't know one end of a rifle from the other.   


The thing is...all of the above people are 'real' and I have met them.  I've just changed the names and some of the details.  

Ron/Reg/Dave - coach or bus driver. Love short sleeve shirts

I've just changed the names

Isn't the thread about the names though?  It's not "wankers I have met". 

I slightly changed the names of the City Solicitor and Army lawyer because it's RoF and they would be easily identifiable if I used their real ones.  The rest of the names are unchanged.  

Arabella - art gallery assistant

Ben - professional rugby player

Neil - building society manager

Marcus - upmarket estate agent

Jane - classical musician

I have a massive prejudice against women called Rebecca, they have never caused me anything but problems 

Lee / Sunita / Gaz / Stu - lower tier bank back office

Tom / Peter / Nigel / Jane - law firm partner

Shay / Paolo / Fabrice / Etienne / Olivier - private bank relationship manager

@ escaping puppy, lol at Nick the Foxtons Estate Agent. I knew of someone who fitted that description to perfection. He asked on a viewing where I went to Uni, and I said. I asked him the same, he replied "Oxford" I said great " Which College " Back came the reply Oxford Brookes. Dear god

James - good steady middle class middle management.

Jamie - wears a shiny suit and pointy shoes and does something in sales.

Lolz at the amount of people who say where they went to uni with pride when they actually went to the ex-poly next door.  

Nicole - born Nicola but uses Nicole because she thinks it makes her sound classy.  Did the LPC 5 years ago but can't get a training contract.  Works in a PI battery farm who keep promising her a TC that never materialises.   

David - slightly creepy 40 year PQE solicitor who can't take the hint and retire.  Hopelessly out-of-date with everything and a professional liability.  Often disappears for 2 hrs lunches and comes back stinking of booze.  Has been kept on by the firm as a sort of care in the community project.

Jerome - 14 years old with 25 previous convictions.  Runs 'product' for Big D.  Will eventually end up getting shanked, at which point everyone will say what a nice guy he was and how he was going to be an extremely successful footballer / rapper.  

Nigel - has a place at a seminary, discovers girls and becomes a geography teacher

The graduate estate agent is a terrible breed.  Not quite as bad as the graduate recruitment consultant though.  

No-one goes through uni aspiring to be either.  And putting BA (hons) on your business card doesn't make it glamorous or sexy.  

EP, would she really keep the louboutins on?

Do you have Lucia's number?

Barry - Window cleaner

Richard - PE or property fund manager

Jeremy - Law firm partner

Sarah - Receptionist

Vanessa - HR or BD in professional firm


Avi, back in the noughties, that was basically the Foxtons thing! 

GSM - I'm pretty sure she would - and she's totally got stockings on under that pencil skirt.  

Lolz @ Vanessa in HR.  HR type always have posh names.  



Pat / Linda / Carol- Secretaries or Doctors receptionists 

Leanne/ Becky/ Aimee- Nursery school helpers 

Kyle/ Dan/ Darren- builders 

Sally/Julia/ Saul - Counsellors 

Richard/Tom/Anna/Kate- Doctors

Vicky/ Matt/ Andy-Police or Personal trainers


  • Anastasia - gym instructor.
  • Ivan - gym instructor. 
  • Victor - gym instructor. 

Keith - a mild mannered accountant or a geezer who does patios with rumoured links to the local traveller community.

Hamish - Lieutenant / Jnr Capt in a Scottish infantry regiment. Drones on about being Scottish constantly, doesn't sound particularly Scottish.

Terry - Boxing coach.

Matty - professional rugby league player

Jago - interior designer

Christophe - private equity associate

Rosalind - PA

Samson - security guard

Jonas - founder of start-up insurance app

Chris - deputy head of planning at South East London council

Hadley - business change consultant & coach



Hip2B I know a Rupert like that who supports France in international sport if they're playing England but he was born in the borders to a half Scottish father and an English mother and educated in England.

Malcolm/Colin - home counties, high street accountant, stalwart of the rugger and golf club (with apologies to my long-deceased father)

Lucy - born in 1972, MC solicitor, then a partner, married Rufus and decided law was rather dull (with apologies to the armies of Lucies I have worked with)

The late A A Gill had a habit of referring to BBC types as Tristrams. Kind of fits.

Hamish - Lieutenant / Jnr Capt in a Scottish infantry regiment. Drones on about being Scottish constantly, doesn't sound particularly Scottish.

Probably because he went to Eton but his father owns half of Scotland!

heh at Judo - I know a jonquil who is a massage therapist (& yoga instructor)

Helen- customer service, angry.

Christopher - eternal middle management and sad.

sue - supermarket checkout and super friendly. I like Sue.

Alan and Orla, a couple that can quickly make friends with anyone. 

Karen, blond, short-lived white middle-aged constant complainer........oh wait a minute!

  • Jeff - adult film actor. 
  • Daniel - funds associate. 
  • Mervin - stacks shelves at PC World. 
  • Stephen - actuary.
  • Melissa - barmaid. 
  • Megan - large American feminist scholar. 
  • Kim - cleaner. 
  • Basil - hedge fund principal.

Basil, a hedge fund manager?  More like a small time hotel proprietor in Devon!

Mr Coffee's real name: the inept slightly comedic sidekick in about a bazillion movies.



Polly/ Sophie- Art Gallery / Smart events organiser 

Theo/Freya/ Jude- Graphic designers  

Beth/Oscar/Jules - wholefood chefs  

Britney/ Justin/ Brad- recruitment & part time backpackers  

Gordon/ Frank/ Clive- Concierge 

Rachel/ Alison/ Helen/ /Rob- Teachers

Carter/ Taylor/ Jackson /Kaden - Future gym instructors

Maya/Harper/Layla- future beauty therapists    

Piers - a Client Director at a PR firm.  Went to a grammar school in Harrogate. Studied politics at University of East Anglia. Wears brown shoes. Supports West Ham. Lives in Islington with ...

Vanessa - from Brighton whom he met at UEA. Internal Auditor at Department of Health and Social Care. Used to shop at Debenhams.


Britney/ Justin/ Brad- recruitment & part time backpackers  



Well out of that in my immediate circle - covering all three names - I've got two top law firm partners, a fixed income trader and a soon to be top tier law firm grad.


Will nobody think of the backpackers!  :-(

  • Cindy - American graduate student in London moonlighting as a pole dancer.

William - Investment Banker/Fund Manager

Ted - Sheep farmer

Should perhaps have made it clear - Alan and Orla are actually sex therapists by profession. 

Douglas /Hamish -Architects

Lizzie//Kieran/Noah- Social workers or physiotherapists

Maggie/Comfort/Gloria- midwives 

Fiona/Ella/Euan- Symphony Orchestra 


Lulu/India/Bella/Jay- Models

Michelle/Sandra/Debbie-Customer services 

Kirsty/Gareth/Adam-Claims Handlers