Dealing with certain death.

You guys may remember a short while back I asked for moons and boobs about an elderly family member I am quite close to being taken into hospital.  

Well sadly it hasn’t worked, and amidst his various infections and heart failure, he was given the choice of having a leg amputated (with a very high chance of death mid operation) or being made comfortable for his final moments.  He chose the being made comfortable route, which I suppose is understandable. 

Because of my back I can’t get myself to see him so a mate is coming over tomorrow to pick me up and visit him together.  Not quite sure how to prepare myself for something my brother told me was “a pretty disturbing sight”.

Any tips roffers? This is new territory for me, mostly people just cark it suddenly in Tecco land so I have no clue how to consider approaching this or even what to say to him.

Bit scared to be brutally honest.

Really sorry to hear that. 

for what its worth I think the first thing to do, which you already have done, is to accept that it will be upsetting and scary and don't try to fight that. Focus on the role you have to play here in being there to support someone at a difficult time. 

I would also say try not to beat yourself up about what you should and shouldnt do, how much time to  spend somewhere, what to say etc. Just do whatever feels right at the time. And if something feels too difficult and you shy away from it that's fine too. there is no wrong way of dealing with this so as hard as it is what will be will be and go and play whatever part you find yourself playing. 

I know that might not be very helpful but those are my two pennies :(

Think of yourself as a doctor on the Western Front

Everything you see will pale before that

Stoicism and sympathy are the watchwords  

Just spend time with him. Try to remember all the old good times. And give him a good bottle of Scotch and some fine cigars. They're not going to kill him now. Might as well enjoy the last bit.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts guys, appreciate your time.  Preparation, perspective and reminiscence are all good thoughts.

Not so much the whisky and cigar tho as he’s in a palliative care unit on fentanyl and oxygen, also he’s not really ‘with it’ but I’ll have a spiritual nip and cigar with him chambo. 

Firstly, I am very sorry to hear this. It seems as if you are quite shaken by this. It is clearly an upsetting thing to have to experience. 

Regarding the shock of seeing someone in a bad way, you should accept that this is the way it is and remember that it is okay to find that scary or upsetting. 

You said that in your family people tend to die suddenly. If there is a silver lining to this, it is that you will have the chance to tell this person how you feel about them, to thank them for all the things they have done and to tell them that you love them and will treasure your memories of them. This is a precious gift for both of you. 


Thanks :)

OK so that wasn’t much fun.  A lot to process.